In the Mind's Eye
by artamagedon
Summary: When Rigby develops severe Schizophrenia, it becomes Mordecai's duty to look after him. As Mordecai helps Rigby in his struggles with the difficulties of mental illness, they begin to fall for each other.
1. Dark Places, Sudden Changes

When you live in a quiet enough area, you might be surprised as to how often you find yourself waking up at night due to the sheerness of the silence. It was on such a night that Rigby suddenly awoke in the small hours. This morning, however, was different. He didn't feel particularly well. He woke suddenly, and glanced quickly around the room. He started to feel extremely anxious and paranoid, as if a sudden and terrible fear had gipped him. He looked around the room, his eyes adapting to the darkness, and saw his sleeping friend, Mordecai, in the bed across the room. Scanning the rest of the room, and seeing nothing, he slowly slipped out of bed, and began nervously pacing the room. It was a strange sensation, but it felt as though he didn't belong there. Feeling like something was greatly amiss, Rigby continued his pacing, now subconsciously wringing his sweaty hands. He couldn't stop glancing around the room, and sensing danger, he backed himself into a corner of the, his heart pounding. He looked over to Mordecai's bed, and saw the bird still soundly asleep.

"_Mordecai? Mordecai!" _ He whispered harshly, seeing if he would wake, but the bird was an infamously heavy sleeper, and continued lightly snoring. Feeling alone and frightened, Rigby remained in his corner, too afraid to move, for several hours. There he stayed, until the sun was rising from behind the hills, painting the sky a pale blue. With the faint light entering the room, Rigby finally felt safe enough to leave their bedroom and head downstairs. He crept out of the room, still wringing his hands together in front of him, and ever so slowly headed for the stairs.

Seeing nothing wrong, he climbed down the stairs and entered the kitchen. He took a seat at the table, unsure of what to do. After looking around the room for a while, he decided to make himself some coffee, having gotten little sleep last night. He could feel the familiar tired, heavy strain in his eyes, the kind you get after staying up all night, but yet the day was only beginning, and he would still have to work. The thought was tedious to Rigby, but he tried to keep himself occupied in making his coffee.

As he was pouring his drink, Mordecai stumbled into the kitchen, the evidence of deep sleep plastered all over his face.

"I _thought _I heard you get up," he said, groggily. Rigby, startled by Mordecai, jumped at the sound of his voice, dropping the coffee pot, and smashing it into a thousand pieces.

"Oh dude." Mordecai said, bringing his hand up and covering his face "Great. Now I can't have coffee." He said, slumping into a chair.

"You scared me," Rigby said defensively. Mordecai lazily waved a dismissive hand. _Fuck, I'm in deep shit for that_ Rigby thought, thinking of his caffeine depraved coworkers who would be arriving in the coming hours. Feeling bad for breaking the coffee pot, Rigby slid his partially poured coffee over to Mordecai.

"You can drink this. I'm already awake" he said. Mordecai perked up a little, accepting the cup of coffee.

"Thanks… you should consider cleaning this up." He said, motioning to the coffee and glass all over the floor.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it."

"What are you gonna tell Benson?" Mordecai asked. But Rigby's mind was in other places. He felt like there were more people in the room than him and Mordecai.

"Dude, let's go into the other room" Rigby suggested, as he dumped the remains of the coffee pot into the trash.

They both entered the living room, and Rigby turned on the TV, hoping it would calm him down. The news was on.

_"Good morning, and thank you for joining us. Today's top stories: The USSR has refused to cancel a nuclear test despite widespread condemnation from Western powers. A statement from the Soviet Ministry of Foreign Affairs stated that 'the West should not fear a nuclear exchange from the Socialist Republics. If an exchange does occur, it will be the result of aggression from the United States.' A counter statement was released by the federal State Department saying that 'it is impossible not to view the upcoming Soviet nuclear tests as anything but an aggressive provocation, and deeply troubling. The Soviet Republics make talks difficult due to their liberal application of the concept of aggression,' more to follow. _

_Also in the news today, researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have announced a breakthrough in the area of nanotechnology, we'll have the chief researcher behind the project in to tell us a little more about it shortly. Today's date is July thirtieth two-thousand-and-fourteen; you're watching World Today USA…_

"Dude, can you change the channel? I can't stomach watching the news anymore" said Mordecai.

"Uh… yeah, I guess" Rigby said, changing the channel over to a morning talk show. Just then, Pops came down the stairs, and strolled into the room.

"Oh good morning Mordecai and Rigby! Aren't you two up at an early hour? Enjoying the sunrise, I presume?"

"Sure, Pops," Mordecai said "oh, and Rigby accidentally broke the coffee pot."

"_Dude!"_ Rigby hissed, elbowing Mordecai in the side.

"Oh! Think nothing of it, Rigby. Everything is replaceable! It's never healthy to attach any significance to material possessions, I say!" And with that, Pops headed into the kitchen.

"Ugh, how can anybody be so cheerful in the morning. It almost makes me feel ill," Said Mordecai "and you're really quiet today dude"

"Uh, sorry. I didn't sleep so good last night" Rigby replied

"Aww that sucks man. Still you'd better do your end of the work today, dude. Last time you were to tired to work I had to mow, like, 3 acres of grass!" Mordecai said, throwing his arms up into the air.

"I know dude, I know, It'll be fine, I promise" Rigby said

"Yeah, it better be, dude."

The two continued to watch TV for a couple hours until their coworkers began shuffling into the park house.

"Good morning" Benson said passively, moving through to the kitchen. Rigby held his breath and, as suspected, Benson emerged from the kitchen seconds later.

"What happened to the coffee pot?" He asked, in his nasty, accusatory tone.

"It uh… dropped?" Said Rigby.

"Well you better thank your lucky stars that I had coffee before leaving the apartment this morning. And if that pot isn't replaced by tomorrow morning **_the cost of a new one is coming straight out of your next unearned paycheck!_**" Benson said, his voice quavering with anger.

"Oh Benson! It's fine. This gives me the perfect excuse to embark on an excursion to the town today! I will purchase a replacement coffee pot while I'm away" Pops insisted.

"Ugh. Fine. Just get through today without breaking anything else, _Rigby_" Said Benson

"Yeah, yeah, it's fine, I hardly break stuff"

"Uh, what!? You bre- actually, never mind… never mind," Benson said, pinching the bridge of his nose, and walking away.

"Dude, let's go kill one before we have to start" Mordecai said. The two headed outside and lit up a couple cigarettes. As the nicotine rushed through his bloodstream Rigby started to feel a bit better, and calmed down slightly. The edginess he had felt all morning faded.

But just as he was feeling comfortable, Rigby saw, in the corner of his eye, a dark shadow moving behind the tall hedges in the distance.

_Fuck, they're actually here _he thought, his heart pounding. _Maybe they don't know I saw them yet. I can't tell Mordecai, they might kill everyone… I guess I'll look busy working while I think of a plan_ he told himself. Shortly after, Benson came outside followed by their coworkers. Muscle Man, not having a coffee machine in his trailer, thwacked Rigby round the side of the head.

"Nice going loser, now we have to work without coffee." He said. And with that, Benson loudly tapped the side of his whiteboard, and called everyone to pay attention to the morning meeting.

* * *

_AN: Hey everyone, this is my first story. Hope you enjoyed the first chapter. All comments and critiques are wanted and appreciated, no matter how harsh! Thanks!  
_

_Also, I know this first chapter wasn't hugely eventful, but the next chapter should be up very soon._


	2. Reptilian Communist Ghosts, from Space

Benson started listing the day's tasks to be completed.

"Okay everyone, listen closely, because we have a lot to get done today. Skips, I need you to install the new rock features, they were delivered behind the house the other day get Muscle Man and Fives to help you if you need.

Muscle Man and Fives, I need you to cut down those trees around the snack bar. They're at risk of falling, and if we have more heavy winds like last week, they'll fall onto the bar. When you're finished, neatly stack the logs behind the building.

Mordecai and Rigby, I need you to spread the poppy seeds we got – put them on either side of the path leading into the park. Then get a garden hoe and spread the dirt on them –" Benson was interrupted by Mordecai and Rigby, who couldn't help but snicker at the word 'hoe.'

"Oh, I'm glad you find your job so funny, because you can get it done faster that way." Benson said, trying to keep his voice from rising.

"And after you're done with that, you can go collect the ground coffee beans for the annual charity coffee morning being held on Friday. I hope you'll find that job _equally _as amusing. Now get moving people."

And so the tired park groundskeepers shuffled along to get their day's assignments out of the way. Just as Mordecai was starting to walk away from the house, Rigby stopped him.

"Hey dude, I just gotta go get something, wait up." Said Rigby

"Dude, hurry up, we have stuff to do." Mordecai replied

Rigby quickly dashed into the house, and into their room. He scurried over to his trampoline-bed, and pulled a plain black t-shirt, and jeans from off of it.

Rigby didn't typically wear clothes, but he needed something to wear in order to confuse whatever was trying to get him. _I can't let them see me like this. I need some kind of protection _he thought to himself.

With the clothes on, Rigby hurried back downstairs and joined Mordecai outside.

"Dude, what are you wearing clothes for? You never wear clothes!" He said

"Uh… just wanted to get some use out of these," Rigby answered. _Damn, if Mordecai gets too suspicious of me, they might kill us both,_ he worried.

"Let's just get our stuff done, okay dude?" Rigby said, trying to move the topic away from his clothes.

Mordecai just shrugged.

"Whatever you want, dude" He said, and with that, they headed over to the shed to gather their seeds and gardening tools.

At the park gate, Mordecai and Rigby stood at either side of the path leading in.

"Okay dude, I'm gonna do this side, you do that side. We'll get it done quicker that way, then we can go get the coffee beans from the coffee shop, and I can see _Margret._" Said Mordecai

"You haven't got a chance with her, man." Rigby said. He hated how she was all he could think about. He would never stop talking about her, and even when they were hanging out and doing stuff, Mordecai would always make comments about how wonderful she was, and how they were going to get married, '_just wait and see, dude' _Mordecai had said.

"That's just what you think," Mordecai said "let's just do this, dude."

And with that, Mordecai began to sprinkle dozens of the tiny seeds around in the dirt. Rigby turned away, and followed suit. He needed to look like he was working hard. That way his stalkers wouldn't know that he was onto them, and he could formulate a plan.

Rigby finished sprinkling the seeds in his back, and picked up a garden hoe. He plunged it into the ground, and pulled the dirt over the planted seeds. _Maybe if I can find a way to tell Mordecai without them noticing, hecan think of something to get rid of them. But how can I get the message to Mordecai without them knowing?_

Rigby quickly glanced at the bushes behind him, in as nonchalant a manner as possible, to see if he was still being stalked. From the corner of his eye, he saw a dark shadow glide out of the bushes. Rigby quickly turned back, his eyes wide and his heart racing. The more Rigby thought about it, the more worried he became as to what was stalking him like this. _Aliens? Reptilians? Ghosts? Communists…? Oh God, its Communists, isn't it? _Rigby thought to himself. _But what kind of Communists are they? Russian? Chinese? Korean? East German? Czechoslovakian? Oh man, what's worse? East German, or Czechoslovakian? _His thoughts raced. He had to act now.

Looking up at Mordecai, Rigby quickly took his hoe, and flicked some dirt over to Mordecai.

"Hey dude, watch it!" Mordecai said. Rigby looked at Mordecai, his eyes wide, at quickly jerked his head towards the bush.

"Dude, what?" Said a confused Mordecai, his eyebrow raised.

_"Shhhhhh" _Rigby desperately tried to silence Mordecai, and gave another jerk of his head towards the bushes.

"What's in the bush? Is someone in there?" Mordecai dropped his hoe, and made his way to the bush.

"_Dude, no!" _Rigby hissed, "_Stop!"_

"Hey, whoever's in there, get out of the bush, you'll damage it" Mordecai said. He reached the bush, and glanced behind it. Nothing. He got on his knees and peered into it. Nothing.

"There's nobody in here, man. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing!" Rigby said defensively.

"You need sleep." Mordecai said, with a puzzled look on his face. "Look, we're actually almost done here, then we can get the coffee, and when we're done, you can sleep all you want."

They finished their task in silence, and headed to Benson's truck, which he had given Mordecai to keys to so they could fit all of the bags of coffee on the back.

"Man, did you hear Benson when he gave me these keys?" Mordecai said "_Don't you even think about coming back without this truck in one piece. Not a single scratch, blah blah blah." _Mordecai said, poorly imitating Benson.

"Ha ha, yeah dude" Rigby said, with little enthusiasm. Mordecai frowned. _Man, he must be exhausted_, he thought.

Mordecai drove them to the coffee shop where, as Rigby said, his 'pseudo-girlfriend,' the girl he could never ask out, Margret worked. They both loved coming to this coffee shop, for completely different reasons altogether.

They entered, the bell over the door chiming. Eileen, a mole with a cringingly obvious crush on Rigby who worked in the shop, greeted the two.

"Hey Mordecai and Rigby, how are you two?" She asked.

"Hi Eileen" Mordecai said, "We're good. Rigby's half dead of sleep deprivation though." He said.

"Well take a seat and we'll fix that" Eileen chuckled, "Oh, and I'll have Margret get those bags of coffee beans your boss ordered ready for you.

"Thanks Eileen" Mordecai said, taking a seat. Rigby looked around the room. He hadn't realized how tired he was up until now. Maybe that's why he had been feeling so off today.

"What's on your mind, dude?" Mordecai asked, noticing Rigby's vacant expression.

"Uhh... just… checking out." Rigby half-slurred. Mordecai gave an amused snort.

"If I had a penny for every time you said something meaningful, I'd be in debt, dude." He said. Rigby didn't respond.

Eileen came back with their usual orders, two black coffees.

"Anything to eat guys?" She asked.

"Uh, yeah, could I get a pizza slice and fries?" Mordecai said

"Sure thing! And for you Rigby?"

"I'm… uh… not hungry right now, thanks," He said.

"Oh, okay, well I'll send Margret over with your food shortly, Mordecai. I like your clothes by the way, Rigby," She said, giving an awkward wink, and walking off to the counter. Rigby didn't notice her obvious affection for him, and just stared down at the table.

"Dude, you should eat something. You haven't eaten all day," Mordecai said, but Rigby just shook his head slightly. He took a couple sips of his coffee, and started to feel much more alert. Margret came over with Mordecai's food, and they got to talking, leaving Rigby to his own devices. He was about three quarters through his coffee when suddenly he heard someone say '**_poison._**' He looked around the shop, but it was well past the lunch rush, and they were the only people inside.

"Did you guys hear that?" Rigby asked.

"No? Hear what Rigby?" Margret asked

"Yeah dude, hear _what_?" Said Mordecai, giving Rigby a terrible look for interrupting their conversation.

"I just heard someone say the word 'poison,' like really close by." Rigby said.

"That's stupid dude, nobody said that" Mordecai said quickly, eager to get back to Margret.

"Sorry Rigby, I didn't hear that" Margret said apologetically. Feeling embarrassed, Rigby turned his head down, and stared into his coffee. _Wait. What if it's the coffee? What if the coffee's poison _he thought to himself? He pushed his coffee away, no longer able to drink it for fear that it might be poisonous. Mordecai was finishing up his conversation with Margret.

"So… uh… hey Margret? I was uh… wondering if –" Mordecai started to say, but at that moment, a customer walked into the shop.

"Oh, sorry Mordecai, I have to go serve this guy. He's a really picky regular. He'll bite your head off if you don't wait hand and foot on him the second he sits down" Margret said, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, uh… okay, well later then" Mordecai said, giving an unwarranted, awkward half-laugh. Feeling rather dejected, he went over to the counter to pay Eileen, and get the bags of coffee.

"See you two later!" She said. Mordecai returned to Rigby, who was looking rather eager to leave.

"Okay dude, let's skedaddle, here, take a bag" Mordecai said, giving Rigby a bag of the coffee beans. Rigby jumped off of his seat and followed Mordecai out the door.

"Dude, have we paid?" Rigby asked

"Yeah dude, I got it." Mordecai replied. Rigby looked at Mordecai, he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of appreciation and emotion. All of these things were trying to get him, but Mordecai kept him safe, and cared about him.

"Thank you dude, I really appreciate it" Rigby said, with a little emotion in his voice, his lip quivering slightly.

"Uh… don't mention it dude" said Mordecai. He looked at his small friend with confusion. Rigby definitely wasn't himself today. It wasn't like him to thank Mordecai for anything. Not because he didn't care, but because they had been best friends so long, any 'thanks' was implied at this point. It wasn't so much that he had thanked him, but more the fact that he had appeared so… _emotional_?

They loaded the bags into the truck, and Mordecai drove them back to the park. Some new INXS song was playing on the radio. Mordecai tried to initiate conversation a few times, but Rigby's replies were all small and quiet. _I hope he feels better after sleeping_ Mordecai thought to himself. He was borderline concerned about the way Rigby was acting. He suddenly felt guilty for the harsh tone he had used on Rigby in the coffee shop. He hadn't deserved it, but Mordecai felt like he couldn't apologize… Rigby hadn't seemed to take much offense anyway.

Mordecai pulled up to the house, and they both got out of the car. Seeing them pull up from his office window, Benson collected a magnifying glass from pops, and went outside.

"I swear, this thing better look as good as it did on the day I bought it" Benson warned.

"Ugh, Benson, it's fine," Mordecai said, "We didn't have any problems."

"Ah ah ah, I'll be the judge of that," Benson said. He then got down on his knees, and began examining his truck with the magnifying glass. Mordecai raised an eyebrow, thinking that Benson was being a bit weird, but waited for him to finish his assessment.

"Okay, it looks fine… well done you two, I wasn't sure you would actually get any of your jobs done today. The rest of the day is yours." He said. Of course, the tasks Benson gave the two, were incredibly simple, but you couldn't be too careful when it came to Mordecai and Rigby.

"Thanks, Benson, later" Mordecai said, and with that, Rigby followed him back into the house.

"I'm uh… gonna go to sleep now" Rigby said.

"Yeah dude, you totally need it" Mordecai replied, "Sleep well, man"

"Thanks" Rigby said. He climbed up the stairs, removed the clothes he decided to wear that day, and curled up on his trampoline. He left the blinds up to make sure the room stayed light. He didn't want to be unable to see anything that tried to get him while he fell asleep.

And as his eyes started to close, he heard soft voices coming from somewhere. They all said _'sleeeeep, sleeeep, sleep now._' They sounded beautiful, and non-threatening, and Rigby drifted off, listening to the song of the voices speaking to him gently.


	3. Getting to Know All of You

Rigby ended up sleeping the rest of the day, and right through the night. As the sunshine of Thursday morning cast over his face, his eyes opened slowly, and he rolled over to his side. **_'Oh, he's waking up now' 'shhh, don't let him know we're here' 'so pathetic_**.' Startled by these sudden voices, he rolled over quickly, and punched out in front of him, thinking there were people breaking into the house. However, his fist met thin air, and because he put so much of his weight behind the punch, he fell straight out of bed and rolled over a couple of times. He ended up staring into the eyes of a confused and sleepy Mordecai peering over him.

"Uhh… morning?" Mordecai said. Rigby quickly up righted himself and glanced around the room. Nothing.

"Dude, did you hear those people? Is there someone in the house?" Rigby said, rather panicked.

"No man, it's just us. You must have had a bad dream. What time is it anyway?" Mordecai said, glancing at the clock on his bedside table. "Ugh. 7:30 already? It's time to get up." Mordecai swung his legs over the side of the bed, and held his head in a hand, sighing deeply. He hauled himself out of bed, and went in to use the bathroom. Rigby cautiously followed behind, but relaxed slightly when he couldn't see anyone around. _Mordecai must be right. I had a bad dream _Rigby thought to himself, and he climbed down the stairs, sitting himself at the kitchen table.

Mordecai shortly joined him, and began making the coffee for the morning with the new pot Pops had bought, as promised.

"I think I'll do this today, dude. We can't have another broken coffee pot." Mordecai said, grinning.

"Ugh. Stop talking, that was totally on you the other day! You shouldn't have burst in on me, all like 'oh hey! I'm Mordecai, and I don't give a shit if anything breaks'" Rigby said, in a rather whiny tone. Mordecai just shook his head, smiling. He was glad to see Rigby seemed to be back to his usual self.

"Whatever dude. Get the cereal ready." He replied.

Once their breakfasts were ready, they sat down on the sofa, and Rigby turned on the TV. Some commercial for a charity for starving kids was on.

"Awww, man, that's so sad." Said Mordecai. Rigby glanced up at him.

"If you're so sad about it, start a charity," he said, "Call it _'Mordecaid_!'" He started laughing a little, some milk seeping through his teeth, and onto his chin.

"Shut up, dude" Said Mordecai.

"Hey! That was a good one, you can't deny it!" Rigby whined.

"Not bad… I guess," Mordecai shrugged, "Though not as good as _Mordecool_ either."

"I never said that. You made that up," Rigby said bluntly.

"It's better than anything you come up with" Mordecai said. They watched TV in silence for a few minutes, until Benson entered the house. Ignoring the two, he headed straight for the kitchen.

"Oh good. It's not broken today." Benson called from the kitchen.

"I made it," said Mordecai.

"Of course." Benson said, rentering the room with a cup of coffee. Rigby sat bitterly, trying to ignore them.

"Where's Pops, by the way?" Mordecai asked.

"His family's pretty involved with tomorrow's charity event, so Pops had to leave early and make an appearance at the set up." Benson replied, sipping his coffee. Mordecai nodded, and turned his attention to the TV. Rigby, sitting beside him, wasn't having a very good time. He kept hearing what he thought were people talking, yet Mordecai and Benson weren't reacting. People were speaking to him, but he couldn't see anyone around. They didn't have anything particularly nice to say either. He looked up at Mordecai.

**_'He hates you'_** a disembodied voice hissed from somewhere.

'**_Kill him! Get a gun, shoot him, and then shoot yourself.' _**

**_'I bet he's too scared to do it'_**

**_'Is this what you do all day loser? Just sit here and watch TV with that weirdo? What a loser'_**

**_'You're a loser'_**

**_'We hate you'_**

The voices sounded like they were coming from everywhere. Like thoughts he wasn't controlling.

"Dude, who _is _that?" Rigby said, rather desperately. Mordecai and Benson looked at Rigby.

"Who is what, dude?" Mordecai asked.

"Nothing… I guess." Rigby said, giving a nervous laugh. It was obvious to Rigby that whomever the people were talking to him were the stalkers from the other day, and they wanted him and Mordecai dead. They were trying to use Rigby. He had no idea, however, how they were managing to communicate with him without anyone else hearing. Rigby tried to return to watching TV, but the weatherman on the TV turned directly to face him.

**_'Here's comes the weather, Rigby. You can't run away from the weather. Weather's gonna come and get you, loser'_**

Rigby panicked and turned the TV off.

"I was watching that!" Benson said

**_'Benson knows all about you. He's onto you, loser. He hates you. We hate you.' _**The voices said, in perfect sync.

"I have to go" Rigby said quickly, his voice quivering. He ran up the stairs, into the bathroom, and locked himself in. He looked at himself in the mirror.

'**_God, you're ugly'_**

**_'You're going to be alone forever'_**

**_'Nobody wants you'_**

**_'Not even your mother thinks you're handsome' _**

**_'You're so disgusting' _**

_That's not true, none of that is true _Rigby thought, pounding the side of his head.

**_'Oh, it is so true'_**

**_'We know best'_**

**_'You can only trust us' _**

**_'So true' _**

"_Please _stop talking to me?" Rigby said, emotion clearly in his voice

**_'You need to cut your hand so we can escape'_**

**_'Escape!'_**

**_'We can escape if you make the cuts'_**

**_'Snip snip snip'_**

**_'Free us'_**

Rigby looked around frantically, and found Pop's straight razor. Holding it by the handle, he took it and started wildly slashing his hand. Blood oozed out and dripped down his arm, and onto the floor. After about 20 seconds of tearing up his hand, he stopped, and looked at his hand, shaking.

"Now go!" Rigby said, half yelling.

**_'We can't leave'_**

**_'Why would we leave?'_**

**_'You only have us'_**

**_'You need us'_**

Rigby brought his hands up and clutched his head, and tried not to cry.

**_'Yes, no, maybe, affirmative, negative, probable, probably, possibly'_**

**_'North, East, South, West, up, down, left, right, North by Northeast'_**

**_'Do you like noodles? I love noodles, I want noodles, and do you want noodles? No wait! Stop let's wait here! No nooooodles! Yes noodles. Noodles for president 2016. Noodles for General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Noodles solve all problems. Noodle Now.'_**

**_'In the course of a lifetime, humans will consume 8 spiders per year while sleeping. Not filthy mangy, raccoons though. Raccoons don't deserve spiders. Humans are superior to Sentient-Nonhumans'_**

**_'This statement is false' _**

_Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! _Rigby thought as hard as he could, but the voices weren't responding anymore, just sprouting utter gibberish. Rigby looked down at his hand, and realized he couldn't let anyone see the cuts all over his hand. He quickly rinsed off the blood on his hand, and some that had gotten on his head, and found a gauze bandage. He wrapped the bandage around his hand, and then cleaned up the blood on the floor. As he exited the bathroom, Mordecai was coming down the hallway.

"Oh, there you are dude, we have start… wait, what happened to your hand!?" Mordecai asked.

"Oh, I accidentally cut it on a sharp bit of metal on my trampoline" Rigby lied, rather pleased with how convincing he sounded.

"Ouch, man. Will you be okay to work?" Mordecai asked.

"Yeah, yeah just give me a minute, okay? Tell Benson to keep his gumballs contained, I'll be right down" Rigby said

"Okay… oh and, dude? Are you okay? That was kinda weird with that stuff downstairs" Mordecai said, a little concern on his face

"Oh, what, that? No, I mean, it's fine, it's nothing" Rigby said half smiling and dismissively waving a hand.

"Oh… okay dude, well I'll see you out there." Mordecai said, heading back down the stairs for the morning meeting. Rigby headed into their room.

**_'Your body is disgusting, put some clothes on'_**

**_'You need to hide your ugliness, wear something'_**

**_'You can't let them see you like this' _**the voices were snapping at him again.

_Okay, okay fine, I'll put something on_ Rigby said, pretty upset. He pulled on a blue t-shirt, and a pair of cargo shorts. He climbed down the stairs, and joined the park crew on the porch for the meeting.

"How's your hand, Rigby?" Benson asked.

"Uhhhh…." Rigby had heard Benson talking, but he didn't understand. The voices in his head were so loud, and taking up so much of his attention, that he couldn't understand what Benson had said, despite hearing him talking.

"Uhhh…What?" Rigby managed.

"Your hand? How is it?" Benson said. Rigby noticed Benson seemed sympathetic, not angry, so he guessed that Benson had said something about his hand.

"Oh… um, it's okay… I mean, it's fine" Rigby said, hoping it answered Benson's question. Benson nodded, and said something else, to which Rigby half-nodded. Seemingly being satisfied, Benson turned to the board.

_I need to hear this, please stop _Rigby pleaded to the voices inside his head, and much to his surprise, a few of them stopped, and the rest quieted down. Finally he could mostly understand what Benson was saying.

"- So most of today will be in preparation for that. I have your lists and instructions here, please be sure to follow them _to the letter_. This has to be perfect." Benson said, and with that, the park workers stood up at took their lists of tasks from Benson. Rigby heard Muscle Man complaining about their workload.

"Hey Fives, check out this bunk list! We'll be busting our asses all day. This stinks." He said

"Yeah man, but we need the money for… that _thing_," Fives said, with a stupid, knowing grin on his face.

"Awwww yeah bro!" Muscle Man said. The two then hi-fived, and wandered off to try and get their tasks done as quickly as they could. Mordecai and Rigby picked up their list from Benson.

"Oh man." Mordecai said, "Look at this list: launder the table cloths, pick up the ice, pick up the champagne, confirm order with the caterer, pick up the flowers, deposit the checks, make hotel reservations" Mordecai said shaking his head. "We'll be at this all day, dude…. Dude? Rigby? Mordecai said. Rigby was looking off vacantly into the distance. Mordecai flicked one of his ears.

"Owww… hey dude" Rigby said.

"Just look at this list, man," Mordecai said, giving him the paper. Rigby scanned over it.

"Hey dude, this isn't so bad! There's like, no physical labor on here. We'll just be driving around town all day. Like, prime bro-time" Rigby said "And there's no time limit. We can do all kinds of cool stuff today" He added.

"Hmm-Hmm. Good point" Mordecai said. Mordecai slid the keys to Benson's truck out of the envelope.

"Okay dude," Mordecai said, lighting up a cigarette, "Let's go do this."

* * *

Here's chapter three. I want to thank _RegularShowMemorabilia _for their reviews so far, and I encourage anyone else reading to leave a review! Hate it? Tell me why! I want to know!

Chapter 4 should be up by the end of the weekend, or some time on Monday at the latest! Thanks!


	4. Dude, Where's My Sanity?

Mordecai and Rigby cruised down the highway into downtown City. Rigby noticed that the longer he spent with Mordecai, the less the voices speaking to him bothered him, and the quieter they became.

"So dude, I was thinking we could stop by the coffee shop just before it closes, so I can ask out Margret." Mordecai said.

"Oh God." Was all Rigby could say.

"What, dude? Why can't you be more supportive of me, man? This is important to me." Mordecai said.

"I am being supportive of you, bro, just not in the way want. Nobody ever likes getting real advice. Look, Margret isn't a good fit for you, dude. I'm pretty sure the only reason you went after her in the first place was because, one, she's also a bird, and two, she was single – and those are pretty lame reasons to go after someone. I mean sure, it's fine to make sure someone is single, but going after anyone just because they're single is a bad idea dude. Plus, there's other species, you know this isn't the 19th century." Rigby said

"Hey dude, I like Margret for more than the fact she's the same species," Mordecai said, "And besides, I can't see myself dating outside of my species." He added.

"But you have nothing in common with her besides that fact!" Rigby said, exasperated.

"That doesn't matter dude. You don't need to have stuff in common to be in a relationship with someone," Mordecai said.

"That's only true to a certain extent, man," Rigby said, "You need at least one or two things in common to get the ball rolling. _Then _you'll be set to deal with all your differences" Rigby said.

"Listen man, I don't know why I should be taking relationship advice from you; you've never had a girlfriend" Mordecai said. Rigby winced a little – that comment hurt. Mordecai hadn't said it in a mean tone, because he knew Rigby was just trying to help, but it still hurt. And the voices knew that it had hurt.

'**_Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha'_** The sound of dozens of voices laughing at him filled his mind. Before it was too late to stop the water works coming out, Rigby bit his lip, and composed himself.

"Neither have you," Rigby said, "And you voted to reelect Shaw in 2012. He has _thirty years_ experience, and he's absolutely awful. He was absolutely awful in 2008, and he was absolutely awful in 2012, and you voted for him," He added. Mordecai shook his head and smiled. Rigby could make a good comeback when he really needed to.

"Okay dude. You win. I'm sorry." Mordecai said.

"Hmmm hmmm." Rigby said, nodding.

"Shaw is _not _absolutely awful though." Mordecai said

"Dude" was all Rigby could say.

"What? He's taking a hardline stance against the Soviet Union." Mordecai said, somewhat desperately.

"He'll kill us all!" Rigby said, throwing his arms up.

"No, the Communists will." Mordecai countered.

"Whatever man. I know the only reason you voted Shaw was cause he promised to change the drinking age back to the pre-1984 age."

"That's not true" Mordecai lied.

"I don't see why you couldn't have pinched some from your mothe-" Rigby began to say

"Don't." Mordecai said solemnly. They sat in awkward silence for a couple moments, and then Rigby started up again.

"Haha, dude, I remember he got it done a few months after he got voted in cause he had congress. You got fucking obliterated the same day it was law," Rigby said

"I wasn't 'obliterated'" Mordecai said, teeth gritted.

"You puked up bile halfway up my arm, we thought you had alcohol poisoning!" Rigby said, then he started laughing.

"Hahaha, oh man, I'm gonna get you a t-shirt that says 'I voted for Shaw, and all I got was a bad hangover'" He said.

"Who did _you _vote for then?" Mordecai asked

"I didn't vote" Rigby said proudly.

"How come?" Mordecai asked.

"The election was 'a mockery of a sham,'" Rigby said.

"Haha, where the hell did you read that, dude?" Mordecai asked

"Reddit" Rigby said, confidently.

"Whatever man. I still say Shaw is the only person who can end the Cold War" Mordecai said

"Man, if I knew anything about politics you'd be sooooo wrong right now" Rigby said. Mordecai chuckled and pulled up to the Laundromat.

"Awww man, can't we go for lunch before we do stuff?" Rigby whined.

"No dude, we need to get a few things done first. Besides it's… like… ten in the morning" Mordecai said

"Brunch then?" Rigby asked. Mordecai ignored him, and got out of the truck, retrieving the tablecloths and linens from the truck bed.

"Uggggggggghhhhhhhh" Rigby said, and hopped out of the truck.

"This won't take long dude," Mordecai lied. They stepped into the Laundromat and stuffed the laundry into several washing machines, used the quarters Benson had given them to pay, and started up the machines.

"So how long will this take?" Rigby asked

"Uhh… it's thirty minutes for the washing machine, and an hour for the drier, I think" Mordecai said.

"UGGHHHHHHHHH" Rigby whined. He picked up a random magazine, lit a cigarette, and sat down in the waiting area, in a bit of a huff. He looked down at his magazine – it said _The State of the Planet Brief _– some kind of political affairs magazine. Rigby sighed, trust him to pick up the most boring magazine ever. But he felt too lazy to go up and get another one, so he opened _The State of the Planet Brief. _He glanced over the first article **_US SEC OF STATE SAYS LITTLE HOPE FOR GERMAN REUNIFICATION BEFORE 2020_**. Rigby skimmed over the paragraphs, noting all the words he didn't understand, like "_Amalgamation," _and "_Macroeconomical," _and "_Vehemence," _and "_Efficient,"_ and "_Dedicated."_ _Ugh, this stinks, _thought Rigby. It was so boring, that even the voices had no comment. He flipped the page. **_UK PM CLARKSON VOWS UK TO RETURN TO PRE-WWII PROMINENCE_**. _Nope_ thought Rigby. Next page. **_TOP CANADAIAN ECONOMIST: "INDIA WILL NOT BE FIRST WORLD BEFORE END OF DECADE" INDIAN GOVERNMENT ANGERED_**. Rigby laid the magazine flat in his lap, ashing his cigarette in an ashtray on the table.

"Hey Mordecai," Rigby said grinning, "Have you _amalgamated _today?" He asked.

"What? Where did you learn that word? Mordecai asked

"It came to me because I'm just that smart" Rigby replied. Mordecai lifted the magazine Rigby was reading.

"Oh, that's where you saw it." Mordecai said, looking at the cover. Rigby took the magazine back from Mordecai, and flipped to a new article. _Forth time's the charm_ Rigby thought. **_US NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY ADMITS POSSIBILITY OF WIDESPREAD SOVIET SPYING. _**Rigby sat up a little. He began reading the article.

"_- and the agency is taking no chances. A spokeswoman for the NSA said that the USSR may have gone as far as to assign spies to monitor individual Americans, which analysts believe may be to gather information about American life, and to use negative aspects in Soviet propaganda, and to compare and contrast the successes of either economies, and gauge individual Americans allegiance to the Federal Government. The NSA believes young adults in particular may have been targeted, however, the agency lacks concrete evidence of espionage…" _

_Soviet spies… _Rigby thought to himself.

**_'Communists coming to get you'_**

**_'Shhh don't tell him'_**

**_'Quiet'_**

**_'They're here, and it's all your fault' _**

**_'You need to use your mind to stop it. This is all your fault'_**

**_'Mind your mind, please'_** the voices were in full swing. Rigby started sweating; he looked at the people around them in the waiting room. _Any of them could be a spy_. He felt nauseous, and felt like he couldn't breathe properly. He stubbed out his cigarette, and turned to Mordecai.

"Mordecai… Mordecai?" Rigby said weakly.

"Hmm?" Mordecai said, glancing over a copy of _Modern Avian Life _

"Can… can we uh… get out of here?" Rigby asked. Mordecai checked his phone for the time.

"Dude… the washing machine still has another fifteen minutes, and it's an hour for the drier after that" Mordecai said

"Please dude… I don't feel so good. We need to get out of here," Rigby pleaded. Mordecai was slightly confused, but he thought for a minute, and decided it wouldn't be a big deal if they stepped out for a few minutes as long as he kept track of the time.

"Uh… all right, dude, let's step outside." Mordecai said. The two got up, and quietly left the Laundromat. Once outside, Rigby went round to the side of the building, leaned his back against the wall and took a few deep breaths.

"Hey dude, what's wrong?" Mordecai asked, slightly concerned, "Is it cause it's too hot in there?" Mordecai asked.

"Yeah… yeah it's too warm" Rigby lied.

"Well… listen, why don't you go get in the car, and you can turn the AC on, okay?" Mordecai said

"Uh… okay." Rigby said, and accepted the truck keys from Mordecai. Mordecai said he had to watch the laundry, and went back into the Laundromat, leaving Rigby alone. Quickly, Rigby unlocked the truck, climbed in, and locked the doors behind him. He kept his head down, and slid the keys into the ignition. The dashboard lit up, and the air conditioning came on, which Rigby had to admit, _did _feel better. He turned on the radio; some West German synthpop song was on that he didn't much care for, but it quickly ended. Then the DJ came on and addressed him.

'**_Heyyy Rigby. I see what you're doing there. I know what you're thinking, and you can't stop it. They're coming for you, loser, and you can't stop it. They're all part of the plot. Hahahahahahaha, yes, not much longer now, Rigby, in fact, they'll be here any minute. Nothing can save you now. You should have used your mind to stop it, but you're such a loser, you couldn't. Hahahaha… this next song is juuuust for you' _**And the song that had just finished on the radio came back on again, but the lyrics were different

**_'Ooooh you know, you know I see you baby _**

**_Oh, come now, they won't kill you (maybe)_**

**_But it's just so scary to see_**

**_All those commies coming for me_**

**_And they'll search under the tree_**

**_Oh yeah_**

**_They'll look across the sea_**

**_And they'll cover Tennessseeeeeee_**

**_And they'll rip up Ken-tucky_**

**_Just to find you and meeeee_**

**_And you'll be their detaineeeeee_**

**_Yeah, this an emergency _**

**_And now you're never gonna be free_**

**_And I hope you will agreeeeeee_**

**_This is all your fault, baby_**

**_And they'll search under the tree_**

**_Oh yeah_**

**_They'll look across the sea_**

**_And they'll cover Tennessseeeeeee_**

**_And they'll rip up Ken-tucky_**

**_Just to find you and meeeee_**

**_And you'll be their detaineeeeee…_**

_Nonononono _Rigby thought, and kept pressing the on/off switch to the radio, but the music wouldn't stop, it just got louder. He removed the key from the ignition, but it still didn't stop. The air conditioning got colder, and came out faster. Rigby shivered. He tried unlocking the doors, but they stayed locked. He tried the handle, but it wouldn't budge. Quickly, he jumped down onto the floor, by the pedals, and curled up as tight as he could, repeating to him self, aloud "_This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening."_

**_This is all real now, baby_**

**_Yeah, they'll make you an amputeeee_**

**_Now you're just an escapee, yeah baby_**

**_And I guaranteeeeee_**

**_That they'll search under the treeeeee…_**

_"_Stop stop stop…" Rigby moaned. He didn't move for ages. The horrible song kept playing over and over again, and he could hear people whispering all around him, but he didn't look up, because he didn't want to find anything. The cold air was still coming out of the air vents, it was freezing, and the cuts on his hand began to burn. After a lifetime, Rigby heard tapping on the window. _Jesus, they've come for me_ Rigby said. The knot in his stomach tightened, and he started shaking. The tapping came louder this time.

_"Rigby? Rigby!" _It was Mordecai's voice. Ever so slowly, Rigby turned his head, and looked out the window. It _was_ Mordecai. Holding his breath, Rigby again tried to unlock and open the door, and this time, the door handle pulled out, clicked, and the door opened.

"Hey dude… everything okay in here? Why were you on the floor?" Mordecai asked.

"Oh… hey dude. Uh… I got kind of tired, and it was dark down there, so I kinna just fell asleep" Rigby lied.

"Oh, sleep well?" Mordecai asked.

"No." Rigby said, bluntly.

"Sorry to hear it, dude… anyway, the laundry's done. Let's get going. We can have lunch now" Mordecai said.

"Oh… cool." Rigby said unenthusiastically. They drove off; Mordecai had said he wanted to try a new fast food place that opened several blocks down. Rigby didn't particularly care much where they ate. They pulled up and got out of the car. Mordecai was pretty eager to try the place out. It was called _Dynasty Grill _– it advertised itself as a Chinese barbeque restaurant. Rigby would usually be pretty eager to try it as well, but today, he didn't particularly care, but he followed Mordecai inside quietly.

"Okay dude, what do you want?" Mordecai asked "I'm gonna get the grilled chicken with orange sauce and duck rolls – _yeeaaah-uhh" _Mordecai said.

"Uhhh…" Rigby scanned the menu. All of the items actually looked pretty appealing to him. But just then, he glanced at the kitchen behind the counter, and saw a dark figure moving behind the grills. It came out from behind the back, and Rigby looked at it. It almost appeared to be made of pitch-black smoke. It floated above the ground, and had no real definition to it. Rigby looked up at its face, and jumped. There was no face – only a human skull, smiling at him. It was death. The room grew cold, and all around Rigby, voices started chanting **_'Poison, poison, poison, poison.' _**Rigby felt his legs go weak, and he leaned against Mordecai for support. Mordecai looked down at Rigby, and shook him gently, concerned.

"Hey… hey man, what's wrong." Mordecai asked. Rigby concentrated on Mordecai, and avoided looking anywhere else around the room. In a couple moments, everything had returned to normal.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong, dude. I'm just… not really hungry right now," Rigby said.

"Awww what? Dude! Just two hours ago you were begging to go to lunch, and now you don't want anything? Is it the place? Cause I mean, it's okay. I can just get something here, then I'll take you wherever you want, but I thought this place would be right up your alley." Mordecai said

"No, I mean, yeah, dude, this place looks good, but I'm just not hungry anymore." Rigby said.

"I can't believe that dude," Mordecai said, "You've hardly been eating anything the past couple days. You've lost weight, and you weren't even heavy to begin with. I'm not gonna lie, I'm worried about you." Mordecai said.

"Nah, man, you're seeing things," Rigby said, quietly.

* * *

Okay, there's chapter 4. I had hoped to get it out yesterday, but I wanted to get it just right - also, for some reason, I felt the overwhelming urge to start writing chapter 6 beforehand, so that didn't help... Anyway! Looks like things are starting to pick up, huh? Hopefully, chapter 5 should be up on or before Wednesday.

And thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed! I feel so flattered!


	5. Mordecai Embarks on a Quest

The rest of the day passed in general silence. Rigby was still too shaken up after the incidents in the Laundromat and restaurant to say much. Mordecai had tried to get any kind of conversation out of him, but his replies were the bare minimum. When they got back, Benson had been pleased with the two's completion of their tasks, and congratulated them, but Mordecai couldn't help but feel worried and slightly dejected.

That night, Rigby stayed up, and had managed to figure out several things for himself. One, he was being spied on by Communists. He had come to the conclusion that they didn't necessarily want to kill him. What was more threatening, however, was two – there appeared to be some kind of intricate plot which had been tailored to wear down his defenses in order to kidnap him, and then do God knows what to him. It seemed to him that it was possibly some kind of supernatural conspiracy, but he couldn't figure out what other forces might be behind it.

When morning came, Rigby was standing in front of the window, looking down onto the park. He primarily wanted to ensure that nothing would try and come into the house while they were sleeping. Beside him, Mordecai rolled over and let out a deep breath. Minutes later, the alarm went off, catching Rigby's attention. He walked over to the clock, and turned it off. Mordecai woke up, stretched, and rubbed his eyes.

"Morning" Rigby said.

"Oh… hey" Mordecai said, yawning. "When did you get up?" He asked.

"I didn't, I've been up. I couldn't sleep" Rigby lied.

"Dude… you need to take care of that. You haven't slept well in days… hold on a sec." Mordecai said. He hauled himself out of bed, and stumbled toward the bathroom. Rigby waited for him outside. When Mordecai emerged, he continued. "Listen. Is there something you want to talk to me about?" Mordecai asked

"Like what, exactly?" Rigby asked

"Oh, I dunno, like for one, you've been avoiding food like the great pestilence, two, you've hardly slept the past several days, and three, you've just generally been acting… like, weird, dude" Mordecai said. "I mean, you just really haven't been yourself lately." He said.

"I don't really know what you mean, man. I think you're looking too far into things," Rigby said. He was a bit panicked. Could Mordecai see right through him?

"No… no, dude stop, something's up. You think after twenty years I don't know enough about you to know when something's wrong with you?" Mordecai asked. "I know more about you than your parents do," he said. Rigby thought fast. He needed Mordecai off his back, and, panicking in the heat of the moment, Rigby decided the best way to do that would be to piss him off.

"And I know more about you than your parents do. But you know, that's not exactly difficult, huh?" Rigby said.

"Hey, shut up man, I'm just trying to help" Mordecai said

"I was surprised they actually came over for Thanksgiving last November. Do you think your mom insisted because of the thought of free booze? Or do you think it was your dad who wanted to feel better about his miserable life by comparing himself to you? You know he gets off on the fact you'll never earn a tenth of his income. Or maybe they were just trying to keep up appearances so you guys could look nice and well-put together like my family?"

"Fuck you, man, I'm just fucking worried about you, or I was. But if you wanna be a complete dick about it, then see if I give a shit." Mordecai spat. "And my parents _do _care about me." He added.

"I hadn't said they didn't care about you." Rigby said, grinning, and then he laughed a little "oh man, do you remember your mom? When she saw you she was all like 'oh, hi son' in that super-fake soulless voice of hers. She was _sooo _happy to see you. Do you think she knows your name?" Rigby said. Mordecai leaned in closely to him.

"I am this fucking close to socking you in the face" Mordecai hissed, almost pinching his fingers together for emphasis. "You fucking coontrash." He added. Rigby winced slightly. Mordecai had never been specist to him, and it hurt.

"Skyshitter" Rigby replied, instinctively, and immediately regretted it.

"Go to hell, _dude_" Mordecai said

"That's what you do every Friday, huh Mordecai?" Rigby was struggling to stop. He was on a roll.

"Don't you fucking go there" Mordecai said, less bite in his voice this time.

"Remember they used to keep you away from us on Fridays?" Rigby asked. Mordecai turned away from him.

"And you had to go to special church cause the normal ones wouldn't take you." Rigby said… sympathetically this time. He bit his lip.

"I'm… really sorry, Mordecai" He said.

"Yeah, I can totally fucking tell, you dick" Mordecai said sarcastically, emotion in his voice. "Just get away from me" he said, and went back into the bathroom. Rigby felt thoroughly guilty, but he remembered that the whole purpose of saying what he'd said was to protect Mordecai. He nodded to himself; he had done the right thing. He knew Mordecai wouldn't have punched him in a serious manner - he was too laid back for that. He rarely got as angry as he had, which made Rigby feel worse. But there were voices there to reassure him.

**_'You've done the right thing'_**

**_'You needed to protect him. You need to protect us'_**

**_'Such a perfect creature' _**

Rigby closed his eyes and smiled to himself, feeling better. He climbed down the stairs, and began making the coffee.

In the bathroom, Mordecai was trying really hard not to cry. Rigby had hit several sore points for him. In his anger, he kicked the trashcan over, leaving a dent in it. He started sobbing soon after. He sat himself on the toilet seat lid, crossed his arms tightly, and began gently rocking back and forth. He remembered those times.

_Friday April 10__th__, 1998_

For the school's blue jays, the protocol was the same as every Friday. They came in thirty minutes after school started. After they arrived, they walked quietly to the administrative area, and found their polythene folders with the day's work thumbtacked to a board. Mordecai found the one that said _'MORDECAI Q.'_ on the saw the registration sheet on the table next to it, and signed their names. The blue jays – nine in total - then walked quietly to a designated open area, and would remain there for the day.

Mordecai sat down, and dutifully began practicing his sums. Around the table, of the eight other blue jays, some began their work, a few sat staring blankly, bored, and a few were talking amongst themselves. The oldest blue jay, a fat ten-year-old called Colton, was flicking small, crumpled by pieces of paper in the general direction of a wastebasket. Mordecai admired the way his feathers were a deep blue, and he loved the black markings that occurred sporadically around his body. Mordecai's feathers, at the age of six, were still extremely pale, and even gray in some places, and lacked black markings altogether.

Colton lazily observed the table to see that many of his classmates were actually doing their work. Idiots.

"You guys do realize" Colton began "that there's jack all point of actually doing any of this crap?" He asked.

"Nobody cares, Colton, get on with something" said Aaron, an authoritative nine year old. However, Colton had already captured the attention of the other blue jays

"Hey, I'm just trying to help you guys out" Colton shrugged. "Yo, Mordecai?" He said. Mordecai jumped slightly; surprised that Colton would address him.

"Uhm, yeah?" He said.

"You remember last Friday when you hardly got any of that stuff done, did the teacher give you crap for it?" Colton asked. Mordecai remembered. He had been tired, the room was too hot, and his work had been too boring. He ended up getting very little done. He had been worried that the teacher would find out, and he would get in trouble on Monday, but the teacher had never mentioned anything.

"Yeah… I mean, she never said nothin' 'bout it" Mordecai replied.

"_Exactly_, thank you" Colton said "so why should we do any work, when everyone else gets like, way less work, and they get the teacher's help?" He asked.

"But, like, I thought everybody got, like, the same work. And I thought, like, on Fridays, like, nobody got the teacher's help cause they, like, had to do other teacher stuff." Said Caiden, a chubby seven-year-old, with long hair that covered his eyes. His head was constantly tilted back so he could see past his fringe. His voice was a boring monotone, and he was incredibly slow and lazy. He never wanted to play anything fun. Mordecai didn't particularly care for him. Or rather, he wouldn't until he started giving Mordecai and Rigby free weed when they turned fifteen.

"They do. Colton is being stupid." Said Celina, an eight-year-old girl, who always wore an ironed, neat, pretty dress, and had her hair in a ponytail. Mordecai really didn't like her, because she was boring, bossy, a tattletale, and she never had any fun.

"Is that what they tell you guys, really?" Colton asked with a smirk, though it was obvious he had known. "No, no, no, my dear friends" he said shaking his head and smiling, "they put us here every Friday to protect themselves from us." He said.

"Why would anyone need protection from us? That's stupid, and you're stupid." Said Celina.

"Hey, don't take my word as proof" Colton said, wandering over to a storage closet. "Take the textbook as proof." He said, producing a biology textbook from the closet.

"Get out of there, or I'm telling!" Celina said, crossing her arms.

"Will you relax? Listen to this" Colton said, flicking through the pages. He cleared his throat and read aloud "_The blue jay is not to be encountered on Fridays_" he began, "_On this day, they become servants of the devil, and bring him sand, in return for fetching sticks in Hell_." He finished.

"You're such a liar," Celina said, snatching the textbook from him, and read over the paragraph. Saying nothing, she reached into her bag, and retrieved her own copy of the same textbook, turning to the corresponding page. She found, however, the entire section had been heavily scribbled out. She recalled telling her teacher that her book had been vandalized, but the teacher had told her it wasn't a big deal, which had made her mad.

"You won't find it in _there_" Colton said. "They always cover up that part in our ones" he said. "And plus, have you ever wondered why we have to go to our own churches? The normal people ones don't want us there" he said.

"That's nawt truuue," whined a much younger female blue jay, which Mordecai did not know the name of.

"It _is _true. Right now, everyone else is in class like normal, and we're shoved out here cause they think our souls belong to the devil every Friday." Colton said. The younger girl started to get teary.

"I-I-I'm nawt the devils servant" she said, sobbing. Several of the other younger ones started crying as well

"Yeah dewd, that's towtally wrong!" Mordecai said, becoming rather upset himself.

"Colton, you're making everyone upset." Aaron said bluntly.

"Hey! I was sad too when I found out, you know" Colton said. "And this isn't a joke, neither. That's why your mammal-ass friend gets in trouble every time he comes and sees you." He said, pointing to Mordecai. Mordecai knew he was talking about Rigby, his best, and only friend. Rigby never cared about the school's rules, and would often sneak out of class to say 'hi' to Mordecai on many Fridays. No matter how they thrashed him, or got a priest in to yell at him, or made calls home, Rigby would still come round to see Mordecai…

_Present day_

Mordecai couldn't help but smile. Rigby was stubborn as the Sun was hot. But then he remembered what Rigby had said to him, and he became upset again. It wasn't so much what Rigby had said, but more of the fact that it was Rigby that had actually said it, and that bothered him to no extent. He tried to think of maybe something that he had done to set Rigby off, but he couldn't remember being anything but nice to him. He sighed, and felt a growing knot in his stomach. Mordecai hated being hated, and it felt worse that it was his only friend. Mordecai slowly stood up, and wandered over to the mirror. He looked at himself, and saw the evidence of his crying in his eyes. He rubbed stray tears out of his eyes as best he could, and headed downstairs.

Rigby was seated on the couch, watching the news again. The news was showing a segment on more racial and interspecies tension in Rhodesia. Mordecai didn't say anything, and went straight through to the kitchen, and poured himself coffee that Rigby had made. Mordecai noticed that Rigby had made enough for just himself and Mordecai. Mordecai wasn't sure what to think of it. Was it a peace offering? No, thought Mordecai. Something was up, and he was going to get to the bottom of it. It was obvious he wouldn't be able to rely on Rigby's help though.

Still feeling sore at Rigby, Mordecai stayed in the kitchen until Benson and the rest of the workers came in. Mordecai suddenly had an idea, and quickly pulled Skips aside.

"Hey Skips, can you do me a big huge favor?" Mordecai asked. Skips would have rolled his eyes if he had been less careful.

"Uh, sure Mordecai, whad'ya need?" Skips asked

"I can't discuss it right now, can I meet you somewhere later on so I can get your help with something?" Mordecai asked

"Sure, I suppose. Come find me after we get our assignments. If Benson asks, say I wanted your help. Now, if you'll pardon me…" He said, and brushed past Mordecai to get his morning coffee.

Afterwards, they all sat on the steps to the porch, while Benson read out their assignments for the day. Mordecai sat awkwardly next to Rigby. He felt pretty uncomfortable, but Rigby seemed relaxed. Mordecai noticed he would occasionally nod to himself, and mutter words that Mordecai couldn't hear properly under his breath.

They got their assignments; Mordecai and Rigby's were to simply tend to the snack bar, which was always quiet, especially in the morning. Mordecai was waiting, and trying to decide when the most appropriate time would be to find Skips, but just then their radio went off.

"_Hey, Mordecai? Could you come give me a hand with unloading some stuff from the truck?" _Skips' voice came through over the radio. Mordecai was relieved that Skips had actually given him an excuse to go find him.

"Uh, sure Skips, I'll be right over." Mordecai replied. He turned to Rigby, who was staring off into the distance, and rubbing his hands together.

"I'll be back" Mordecai said. Rigby just nodded slowly. Mordecai headed over to the site of that night's charity event. Mordecai still had no idea what charity, but there was a very impressive tent set up on the grass. Apparently, some relatively big names would be in attendance. Mordecai doubted the park workers would be invited.

Skips was loading crates of food and drink off from a large delivery truck. He wiped his brow, and waved to Mordecai.

"Mordecai" Skips said, nodding.

"Uh hey Skips" Mordecai said. "So uh, yeah, I was wondering if you could help me out. It's about Rigby"

"Rigby?" Skips said, " You mean it's nothing to do with fixing the park, or saving the world, or some other kind of illogical and impossible event you've caused?" Skips asked, bemused.

"Uh… no, nothing like that." Mordecai said, feeling somewhat guilty. Skips was always their first resort when it hit the fan for Mordecai and Rigby.

"Well. What a nice change. Lay it on me" Skips said, and continued to stack the crates at the back of the tent.

"Well, it's just that Rigby's been like… just totally out of whack lately," Mordecai said, "Like, he hasn't been eating anything really, he hasn't been sleeping, and he's been acting all round weird" Mordecai said. Skips put down the crate he was carrying and turned to Mordecai.

"Well, I did notice Rigby had wasn't looking so healthy" Skips said. "Do have any ideas what it is?"

"None!" Said Mordecai, throwing his arms up in the air "Just earlier, we got into a fight cause I asked him to talk about it. He started insulting me from out of nowhere. He called me a 'skyshitter' Skips! A '_skyshitter_.'"

"What does that even mean?" Skips asked, "Is that some kind of specist slur?"

"Totally! I mean, nobody has ever called _me _a skyshitter" Mordecai said, "It implies I'm not civilized enough to use a toilet. And it's more offensive cause I can hardly fucking fly!" Mordecai said, voice raised.

"Okay, Mordecai, calm down" Skips said

"I mean… I guess I did call him 'coontrash'" Mordecai added

"Ouch" Skips said.

"But he started it!" Mordecai said.

"And where did this fight come from? What lead up to it?" Skips asked.

"It's like I said, I was just asking him what was up, and I was telling him to talk to me about it, then he goes all off the wall" Mordecai said.

"Hmmm" Skips paused. "It sounds a lot to me like Rigby didn't want to talk, and he thought the best way to throw you off was to get into a fight with you. And by the sound of it, it worked." He said. Suddenly, it became obvious to Mordecai that Rigby's intention wasn't to hurt him… it was to change the subject. That meant Rigby was keeping something big from him, and it worried Mordecai.

"But I can't tell you what's wrong with Rigby. I have no idea," Skips added. "I wish you the best of luck in finding out though" he said.

"Yeah… thanks Skips. I'll see you later" Mordecai said.

"Yeah, no problem. Bye Mordecai" Skips said, and he started bringing the crates into the kitchen area in back of the tent.

Back at the snack bar, Benson pulled up to check on Mordecai and Rigby, but saw only Rigby at the bar.

"Rigby" said Benson, walking up to the bar. "Where's Mordecai?" He asked.

"Uh… he went… to… uh… help with, you know… Skips" He said, not making eye contact.

"Oh." Benson said. "And how is everything going? Have you had many customers?" He asked.

"Uh…just people… you know… a few people wanting, uh, you know, like, um… drinks and stuff" Rigby said, still staring off into the distance.

"Ah… I uh…see." Benson said. "Well… if there's anything you need help with, just let me know." Benson said, and turned around to walk off. When he was to the side where Rigby couldn't see him, Benson looked back at Rigby. Was he on drugs? Benson made a mental note to keep an eye on Rigby. Something about him was way off. Benson was somewhat creeped out by the fact that Rigby hadn't looked at him. It's like Rigby wasn't even really there. Benson got back in his cart, and sped off to go check on other workers.

Shortly after, Mordecai returned. He entered the snack bar, and took his place beside Rigby, who didn't acknowledge his return. Mordecai didn't say anything either, and sat down on a stool. After a while, Mordecai spoke up.

"Was it busy?" He asked.

"I… dunno...uh… no" Rigby said. Mordecai was eager to get to the bottom of what was eating Rigby, but he didn't want a repeat of last time, so for the time being, they kept an uneasy peace.

Uneasy for Mordecai, at least.

* * *

I'll have to apologize for this chapter. Firstly, I didn't get it up as quickly as I wanted, and two, I feel like I didn't go where I wanted to with it. But _hopefully_ that should be fixed in the sixth chapter. On the bright side, I guess it means I can take the story a bit slower, and stretch it out a bit - I do want it to be relatively long.

Also, this is the longest chapter so far by almost 1000 words, so maybe that will keep you busy a while?

Chapter six may take a bit longer. Ideally, it should be up on or before next Monday. Because it will take a little longer, I _was _gonna add a chapter 6 preview, but it turns out that site rules actually forbid that, so... sorry.


	6. The Party

AN: Oh boy, I am reallllllly not happy with this chapter at all. I wanted it to be significantly longer, but I promised an update for Monday, and with the way it was going to be it just couldn't be uploaded in time. I don't think it's terrible, but it simple doesn't go where I wanted it to. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

And once again, Mordecai and Rigby spent their day in near-complete silence. They never officially made up, which irked Mordecai, because Rigby was the kind of person who needed closure. The fact that he was willing to pretend that nothing had happened between them was out of character. However, what Mordecai supposed was most important was the fact that Rigby hadn't displayed any more hostility towards him.

To Mordecai's surprise, Pops had personally given Mordecai and Rigby the same fancy invitation that many celebrities had received to attend the charity event. All of the other park's workers were invited as well, much to Benson's dismay. Before Mordecai and Rigby could even think about whether they were going to go, Benson approached them.

"I know Pops gave you an invitation to tonight's event." Benson began, "But I'm just going to go out on a limb here, and say that it would _probably_ be best for everybody in a mile's radius if you were to not go" He said. "_However,"_ He continued, "Pops really wants everyone at the park to attend, and if you _do _decide to attend, I am not at liberty to stop you. But for the love of everything, do _not _screw this up, or so help me God you are so fired." He finished

"Yeah, Benson, I think we get it" Mordecai said sarcastically. Outside of work, Benson was really an okay person, but Mordecai was seriously getting tired of his shit in the workplace. Mordecai and Rigby's work had been more than sufficient for a while now. Whenever shit went down these days, it was always someone else's fault, and Mordecai and Rigby were always blamed when it had nothing to do with them, and yet they would always go out of their way to try and fix things.

"You'd better." Benson said simply, and walked off. Mordecai just shook his head. He turned to find Rigby lying on his trampoline staring at the ceiling. He was, wringing his hands again, and his eyes were wide open.

"Okay, dude?" Mordecai asked.

"… Yeah man." Rigby said.

"So listen, I think we should go to this thing. Pops needs our support" Mordecai said. Rigby nodded slowly.

"So… do you still have that suit you wore to my… uh… uncle's funeral?" Mordecai asked. Rigby nodded again.

"Good. You'll probably wanna wear that. Get ready and we'll go. "Mordecai said, sighing. Rigby didn't move. Mordecai walked over to him and gently shook him a few times.

"Come on, dude" Mordecai said. Rigby blinked a few times, and slowly peeled himself off his trampoline. They both got ready in silence, with Mordecai having to frequently push Rigby to get a move on. He periodically stopped and would stare out the window for several minutes.

Once they were finally both ready, they headed over to the tent on the grass. Before they entered, Mordecai stopped Rigby.

"Okay, dude, here's how this is going to go. There's gonna be celebrities and important people in there. Don't get all excited or anything, just act casual, and try to look like you belong. And don't mess this up for us, dude, cause Pops' family has a lot riding on this, not to mention how pissed Benson would be if we fucked it up. Okay, dude?" Mordecai said. Rigby nodded. Mordecai had his doubts, but he stood aside, and they both entered the tent.

The atmosphere in the tent was something to behold. The soft yellow lighting illuminated the thick cream-colored walls. In the back was a beautiful art-deco style bar, with dozens of brightly colored, interesting, and expensive bottles of liquor. Gentle orchestral music was playing on the speakers, and all of the attendees looked as if they had been flown in from a Paris fashion show. On the buffet tables around the sides, were expensive, unusual, gourmet cuisines from around the world.

As the two entered the tent, Rigby, who had been quiet and tense all day, couldn't help but look around in wonder.

"Woah, dude" He said quietly

"Yeah…" Mordecai said. "Hmph, I had almost forgotten what your voice sounded like" he added.

"Uh… sorry, I guess" Rigby said. Just then, Pops came and greeted them.

"Aha! Oh, good show! Thank you so much for coming Mordecai and Rigby!" He said. Mordecai thought it was somewhat appropriate he was drinking an old fashioned.

"Oh, sure Pops, we wouldn't miss your event" Mordecai said

"Well, I certainly appreciate your attending. I wish I could converse longer, but I'm afraid I must mingle with other guests," Pops said apologetically.

"Yeah Pops, of course, we'll see you later" Mordecai said.

"Oh! And remember boys, it's an open bar!" Pops said, giggling. With that, he dashed off to join another group. Mordecai and Rigby looked at each other, and made a beeline toward the bar.

"Dude, there's so much. I've never seen any of this stuff before. What do I get?" Rigby asked. Mordecai, being the reluctant expert on alcohol, glanced round the bar.

"Well." Mordecai began, "On the left there are the French liqueurs. To the right is the wine" Mordecai said, and squinted his eyes at the labels "If you're going to drink wine, be sure to coordinate it with what you're gonna eat. White wine for light dishes, red for heavier stuff." He continued, "Next are the vodkas" he said, wincing. Vodka was his least favorite. "… It really doesn't matter which one you choose, because if you have one and taste anything other than water and ethanol, it means somebody forgot to clear the filters at the distillery – they're all the same. And do _not _ask for a vodka martini, because there is no vodka in a martini. It's gin, and it should not be shaken. Next you have your gins, but you should stay away from those, because you're probably one of those people who'll complain it tastes like Christmas pissed in rubbing alcohol. And finally are the whiskies, and tequilas; not much to say about those" Mordecai finished.

"Uh, wow… how do you know so much about…?"Rigby began to ask, but stopped himself.

"Never mind. What's in those green bottles up there?" Rigby asked

"That is absinthe. Do not drink it." Mordecai said

"Okay, so what do I get?" Rigby asked. Mordecai thought about what would be a good drink for Rigby. Perhaps an old fashioned like Pops had been drinking. The water and sugar took away some of the edge of the bourbon, Rigby might like it.

"Did you like the look of what Pops was drinking?" Mordecai asked. Rigby just shrugged. Mordecai walked up to the bar.

"An old fashioned and a Manhattan, please" Mordecai said. He figured since Rigby was drinking whiskey, he might as well drink it too. The bartender dutifully went to making their drinks. In the meanwhile, Mordecai looked around the room. There were several people he recognized from Hollywood movies, a several state-level politicians, one or two low-profile national level politicians, many B-list actors, a few artists he admired, and quite a few semi-well known singers. All in all, not a bad crowd, considering they weren't in LA, or New York.

The bartender returned with Mordecai and Rigby's drinks a couple minutes later.

"So what's in this?" Rigby asked.

"Water, sugar, bitters, and whiskey…" Mordecai said, and noticing that Rigby was making a move to remove the spoon from a glass, he held his arm.

"…And served with the spoon in the glass." Mordecai finished. Glancing around the room again, Mordecai figured they should probably try to speak with a few of the guests.

"Hey, listen, if there's people here you want to speak to, this would be a good time to do it, we'll meet up later, okay?" Mordecai said. Rigby looked slightly uncomfortable with the idea, but ultimately agreed. Mordecai walked away from the bar, leaving Rigby to do as he wished. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to not keep an eye on Rigby, but he didn't want him to feel like he was babying him.

Mordecai found a corner of the tent to observe the crowd. The main problem he faced in interacting with his fellow guests was the fact that none of them appeared to neither be particularly approachable, nor people he particularly wanted to talk to. The only people he wanted to see were a few of the artists dotted around the tent, but he held himself, knowing that he would probably become overexcited and nervous.

Just then, a man approached Mordecai. He correctly identified the man as some kind of actor, but his name totally eluded Mordecai. If he was right, then this guy was the actor in a particularly bad horror movie he and Rigby had watched. The acting was so poor, even Rigby hadn't been frightened by it.

Mordecai couldn't help but notice that he was probably the worst dressed person in the room. His suit was extremely ill fitting, and looked like it had been bought from Brooks Brothers, premade, and designed for someone of a significantly more muscular physique. Plus, he had a terrible haircut. Rigby's unkempt hair even looked better. He was needlessly wearing sunglasses as well, probably figuring himself as a big-name actor. Mordecai decided to refer to him internally as "Lame actor"

"Hey… I know you… uh… guy… love your stuff, big fan, seriously" Lame actor said to Mordecai. Mordecai couldn't help but laugh inside. He had assumed Mordecai was famous.

"Thank you, that means a lot to me. I'm quite partial to your work as well" Mordecai said. Lame actor's face lit up, compliments obviously not being something he got often.

"Oh wow, I'm so glad, thanks!" He said.

"No problem, man. Do you know what charity this is for, by the way?" Mordecai asked

"Charity? What…?" Lame actor asked, confused.

"Never mind. So how are you enjoying yourself?" Mordecai asked.

"Oh, oh, yeah, this is great. I love being here… seriously." Lame actor poorly lied. "The congressman over there took us sight seeing earlier, and we had lunch at this great place, and yeah, I've just been really enjoying the natural beauty of this state… this state which is called… um."

"Arizona" Mordecai chimed in

"Yes… Arizona" He said. Mordecai noticed he was sweating a little, and looking around the room quite rapidly.

"So have you ever been to… that place…?" Lame actor asked

"The Grand Canyon?" Mordecai asked.

"No… the other one. The city"

"Phoenix?" Mordecai said, internally rolling his eyes.

"Yes…" Lame actor said

"I'm from there" Mordecai said.

"How nice" Lame actor said, shuffling around a bit, looking rather nervous. Mordecai laughed, and sipped his drink. He realized why the man was wearing sunglasses.

"You're tripping balls, aren't you?" Mordecai asked with an amused grin. Lame actor nodded profusely.

"I dunno what this fucking is. It's supposed to be acid, but I think the fucker slipped me RC's" He said. Mordecai nodded. He was aware about the dangers of 'RC'S', or research chemicals. They acted like acid, but were a bit more risky.

"Bad trip?" Mordecai asked

"Kind of… I can't deal with this shit right now" Lame actor said, nervously slicking his hair back with his hand. Mordecai was sympathetic. He had never really had a bad trip before, but it was entirely possible to go to a 'bad place' even while having a good tip. Mordecai could almost see Lame actor's rapid heartbeat from the outside.

"Hey man, it's okay" Mordecai said, in his most comforting voice, and rested a wing on Lame actor's arm "Nobody knows. Everything is cool. You're doing great" Mordecai said. Lame actor nodded a bit, looking calmer. Just then, an upbeat synthpop song came on over the speakers.

"Hey, you like this song? This is a nice song." Mordecai said. With hallucinogens, a change in music often equaled a change in mood.

"I _love _this song!" Lame actor said, and then he kissed Mordecai on the cheek, and ran off, calling "thanks man!" as he danced around the other guests, who looked at him in abject horror. Mordecai was slightly weirded out, but he laughed at the situation nonetheless.

Meanwhile, Rigby was on the other side of the room, sipping at his drink quickly, and often. He started to feel buzzed, and relaxed a little. For the first time in ages, he felt almost normal, like everything was right in the world. However, he still needed to be vigilant.

He looked for someone interesting to talk to, but everyone looked boring as hell to him. The entire thing seemed like a networking event disguised as a charity one. Suddenly, an excited, tall, thin woman, who appeared happy to see him, approached him.

"Ah ha monsieur La Coco! How wonderful to see vous, darling!" She said, with a thick French accent, while kissing him on either cheek. It was Les Reines, The Queens – a fashion designer who bizarrely insisted that everyone referred to her in the plural.

"Hi…" Rigby said. She had mistaken him for La Coco, a popular Canadian jazz singer. He, like Rigby, was abnormally short, and also a raccoon. However, they looked different enough that Rigby was very rarely mistaken for him – it did happen though.

"Oh mon ami, I see you have lost weight! Fantastique, you look great! How much more do you have to go?" She asked.

"But I only weigh forty pounds. I'm not tryi-" Rigby began

"Oh, oh, darling we know it's hard to lose weight, but you have to push on, mon ami!" She said, "What is your goal? Thirty pounds? Twenty five?" She asked.

"Uh… that would make me pretty underweight," Rigby said. Les Reines shook her head and tutted.

"Is that what this media is saying of you mon ami? Do not listen! Do not let them stop you!" Les Reines said.

"Uh…" Rigby said

"Oh, and darling, we love your new rough-at-the-edges look, it suits you so well, darling, ces't trés excellent!" Les Reines said

"Thank you?" Rigby said, confused

"Mmm, darling," Les Reines began, "We must do London at some time, oui?"

"Oui, oui" Rigby said, becoming tipsy.

"Magnifique! Ta-ta, mon ami" Les Reines said, and she kissed him on the cheek again, and walked briskly up to the same bad actor Mordecai had just been speaking to.

"_Ahhh mon ami!..._" She said, before waltzing off with him. Rigby finished his drink. The music that was coming over the speakers became slow, and the synthesizer became wildly distorted. Rigby laughed to himself. For everyone else, however, the song continued as normal.

"That's… that song is definitely not supposed to sound like that" Rigby said to no one in particular, grinning widely. He looked at his glass, and saw it was empty. He went back up to the bar, and waved to the bartender.

"Can I get another one of these?" Rigby said, holding up his glass. The bartender took it, and smelled it.

"Old fashioned? Certainly, sir" he said, and got to making Rigby's drink. Rigby began slowly humming along with the heavily distorted vocals.

"Eyyy, La Coco!" A fat, balding man with a New York accent said, approaching him. "How's the industry treatin' ya?" He said. Rigby gave him thumbs up.

"Wonderful" He said.

"Great 'ta hear it" the man said. "Listen, if ya ever find yourself in Noo Yawk, gimme a call, me and the all fellas would love to have you" he said.

"I couldn't say no" Rigby said. The bartender returned with his drink. He began drinking it down quickly.

"Haha, hey fella, slow down there, would ya? You're making me drunk just lookin' atcha " the man said.

"Gimme a break, I'm the product of a fucked-up family, and I was a homeless drug addict for three years." Rigby said, playing along as La Coco.

"And you're doin' great pal, haha, see ya around" the man said, slapping Rigby on the back. Rigby downed the rest of his drink, and got the bartender to make him another.

Meanwhile, Mordecai was on the opposite end of the bar, getting his second drink. He saw Benson approaching, and nodded towards him. Benson stumbled up to him. He was completely smashed.

"H-h-hey… heyyy Mordecai… some party huh?" Benson slurred. Mordecai found the situation somewhat ironic considering that Benson was telling him to behave himself just a couple hours ago.

"Yeah, Benson" Mordecai said.

"D'you know…d-d'yknow who _I_ jusssspoke to?" Benson slurred

"A mediocre actor?" Mordecai asked, his wings resting on the bar, his head down. The bartender delivered his drink. Benson waved his hand at Mordecai.

"Noooo silly, it was… wait… I-I-I can't remember who t'wasss" Benson slurred.

"I think you should get some rest. Sleep on the couch in the house tonight, you can't drive" Mordecai said simply.

"I think thassa good idea" Benson managed, the alcohol suddenly catching up with him. He started to feel rather nauseous, and he had been drinking on an empty stomach as well. He needed a glass of water, and to puke. He stumbled off without saying anything; he was way too drunk to speak at this point. Skips noticed him, and carried him off. Mordecai remained at the bar, sipping his second drink.

He felt down. All this business with Rigby was making him feel this way. He felt tired. Not physically, just on the inside. He rarely had a moment to himself, it was always Rigby there keeping him occupied, or maybe Margret, or someone. But it was usually Rigby. And he hadn't been there for a few days. It was times like this when Mordecai thought too much, and realized he wasn't a very happy person. He felt so alone, yet he was in a room full of people. Then again, it's been said that loneliness is being trapped with a crowd of people who don't want you.

He finished his drink, and ordered another. He looked down the bar, and saw Rigby at the far end. Rigby was looking on the lonely side as well, but Mordecai didn't approach him. _Maybe I can summon him with telepathy _he thought lazily, and gave a humorless laugh at the though. Regardless, he stared at Rigby. A couple seconds later, and Rigby glanced down the bar, and their eyes met. Rigby gave a half smile, and waved. Mordecai waved back. Rigby hopped off his barstool and walked over.

"Hey man" he said.

"Hey" Mordecai replied.

"How have you been? Talk to anyone cool?" Rigby asked

"Nope. How about you?" Mordecai said

"I got mistaken for La Coco, twice" Rigby said.

"Nice." Mordecai said. The bartended brought Mordecai his third drink. Rigby ordered another while the bartender was around. He returned with Rigby's drink shortly after. They both drank in silence for a while.

"Where have you been…?" Mordecai said, under his breath.

"What do you mean, dude?" Rigby said. Mordecai looked up, startled. He hadn't meant to actually say anything. He had accidentally let it slip. Rigby looked at Mordecai, and saw sadness in his eyes; he suddenly knew what Mordecai meant. The plot and conspiracies had been hard on Rigby, but he hadn't been thinking about how it was affecting Mordecai.

"I'm… sorry, man" Rigby said.

"No, no, I mean, I didn't… say anything" Mordecai said.

"Heyyy… hey listen dude… I don't want you to think that all this doesn't mean I care about you, you know, dude? I-I love you, man…" Rigby said. He was beyond tipsy, and was now entering 'moderately-drunk' territory.

"You mean it?" Mordecai asked

"Yes! Yes! Of _course_ I mean it" Rigby said, "hug?" And they embraced each other tightly. Rigby had always liked how Mordecai's soft feathers felt, but he didn't get the opportunity to feel them often. Mordecai felt as much about Rigby's fur.

"Lesss get outta here, dude, this place fuckin' blows" Mordecai said, rather drunk himself, having not eaten anything. They staggered out of the tent, arms around each other's backs, and made their way towards the house.

When they got in, the first thing they saw was Benson sprawled out on the couch, passed out. They ignored him, and stumbled up to their bedroom. They both collapsed on Mordecai's bed.

They talked for an hour, and it was almost as if Rigby was back to normal. They talked like they used to all the time, and Mordecai felt much better. Maybe he had been over imagining that something was wrong with Rigby.

Rigby was pretty drunk though. He noticed that the people didn't speak to him when he was like this, and he wasn't sure whether that was a good thing, or a bad thing. Regardless, it felt good not to hear the people. It felt good not to give a shit about whatever plot the powers that be were executing against him.

After a while, Mordecai and Rigby became exhausted, and decided to call it a night. For the first time in days, Rigby slept. He was just so tired. But he wouldn't be sleeping again for a while. That night though, he slept like a baby, days and days worth of worry and restlessness driving him into a deep sleep.

The next morning, Mordecai and Rigby woke to the piercing sound of their alarm, although they didn't need to be up for Saturday. Mordecai wildly flailed a wing in the general direction of the alarm clock. He finally struck it, deactivating the alarm. He rolled over and sighed. He felt okay. Mordecai and Rigby were young enough that they didn't really get bad hangovers yet, although they did feel a little rough around the edges. Benson, being fifteen years older than them, was a different story entirely. Mordecai could hear his groans from their bedroom. He looked towards Rigby, who was sitting at the edge of his trampoline, yawning.

The people who spoke to him were quite aware of what he had done last night, and were not best pleased.

**_'You're so stupid'_**

**_'You could have killed us all'_**

**_'You need to protect us'_**

**_'You're worthless'_**

**_'We're all in danger'_**

Rigby rested his head on his hand.

"I know, I know" he muttered.

"Huh?" Mordecai said. Rigby looked up and saw Mordecai also sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Oh. Nothing, man" Rigby said. They both used the bathroom, and headed downstairs to get a drink of water. They found Benson on the couch, his head under the blanket. When they came into the living room, Benson tried to shoo them off.

"Go away" he said, in a pained tone.

"We're just trying to get some water, Benson" Mordecai said

"Do it somewhere else, _or you're fired_" Benson said, in a threatening a voice as possible. Mordecai groaned.

"Okay, dude. Coffee shop." Mordecai said. They both traipsed out of the house, and seated themselves in the cart, and sped off.

* * *

So yeah, I initially planned for this chapter to have wayyy more plot development, but the way it is now just feels like filler.

Hopefully, you found it somewhat amusing at least, but you don't need to tell me; in terms of relevancy, it was utter crap, and it won't happen again. Honestly, I should have written more on Saturday, but I didn't, and left it to Sunday and today. I had started writing the climax of this chapter before I wrote chapter 4, and there was a certain place I wanted to go with it, but I couldn't connect what I had pre-written, and what I was writing, in time for uploading.

Anyways, I'm thinking Thursday/Friday for the next chapter, which will be muuuuch better.

Thanks everyone!


	7. Patterns

As they were headed down the road, they were initially silent, until Mordecai spoke up.

"Okay, I'll say it. That party kinna sucked last night" He said

"Yeah" Rigby said

"I mean, I don't even think there was a charity involved or anything" Mordecai said

"No?" Rigby asked nonchalantly

"Nobody I spoke to knew anything about it. I doubt it's Pops' fault, but kinna bothers me" Mordecai said. Rigby laughed.

"Well, there's always _Mordecaid_" He said

"Shut up, dude" Mordecai said. They arrived at the coffee shop shortly thereafter.

"Dude, I'm gonna do it this time" Mordecai said. The statement needed no explanation.

"Fucking hell, your dating life is becoming a cliché" Rigby said. Mordecai did his best to ignore him, and they entered the coffee shop, taking their regular seats. Rigby lit a cigarette, and rested his forehead on his free hand. Being small and light, the alcohol had hit Rigby slightly harder.

Margret noticed the two had entered, and came over to take their orders.

"Morning guys, you're up awfully early for a Saturday" She said

"Yeah… well uh, our alarm… it went off, you know…?" Mordecai said nervously. Margret giggled. Rigby cringed so hard he groaned audibly.

"So what can I ge-" Margret began to say.

"Water. Please." Rigby said. Mordecai nodded in agreement.

"And two coffees with that" He added. Margret giggled a little again.

"Sure. Feeling rough this morning?" She teased.

"You could say that. Not as bad as our boss though" Mordecai said

"Oh dear! Well, let me fix your order real quick, I'll be back" Margret said. The coffee shop was pretty deserted on Saturdays, as most people weren't working, and didn't need a caffeine fix to force themselves awake. This would be the perfect opportunity for Mordecai to ask Margret on a date.

Margret retuned with their drinks shortly. While she sat Mordecai's coffee on the table, he suddenly spoke up. He was terrified, but he felt as if he had to do this, as if the past year of his life had been building up to the moment. He didn't want to do this, but he needed to.

"Hey… uh, Margret?" Mordecai asked. His heart was in his throat.

"Mmm?" She said

"Well… I was… you know…" Mordecai said, sweating slightly, "…Wondering if you wanted maybe to, like, sometime, see a movie with, uh… me?" He asked, feeling slightly nauseous afterwards.

"You mean like a date?" Margret asked

"Um… yeah" Mordecai said.

"Sure!" Margret said cheerfully, "How about next Wednesday after I get off work?"

"Wednesday?" Mordecai asked.

"I know, I know, I'm on a weird schedule, but it works best for me" She replied.

"Oh, sure, that's no problem" Mordecai said

"What do you want to see?" Margret asked

"Uh… whatever you want, really" Mordecai answered. Margret giggled again.

"Well, I guess I'll see what's on when I get home! Anyways, I have some more orders to get; I'll see you guys later. Text me Mordecai!" She said, smiling.

"Dude… she said yes! She totally said yes! I'm going on a date with _Margret_" Mordecai said in amazement. Rigby rolled his eyes.

"I heard" He said simply, taking a long drag on his cigarette.

"Come on, dude, can't you just be happy for me?" Mordecai asked

"I…" Rigby sighed "… I just feel like you're not meant for her, dude. I want to see you happy, man, but I don't think she's the right way to go about it. But go ahead, prove me wrong" He said.

"Hmm hmm, I will" Mordecai said, "and then you'll see just how wrong you were, dude."

"Sure" Rigby said simply. He was distracted by the fact he was feeling a familiar sensation of anxiety and terror well up inside him. He shifted around on his seat, drumming his fingers on the table, trying too hard to act casual. He looked around, realizing the coffee shop was open, and only had one easily accessible exit, which was also an entrance. This would be a terrible place to be ambushed.

The shop had very few customers in it, but Rigby couldn't trust any of them. None of them particularly looked like people to trust anyway. There was a man with a long coat and a suit on, despite the fact it was Saturday, and no white-collar professionals had work. There was a person that Rigby couldn't actually see on account of the fact they were holding a large newspaper up in front of them, probably using it to hide the fact they were spying on him.

'**_He knows'_**

**_'It's part of the plot'_**

**_You need to use your mind to stop him'_**

**_'Escape'_**

Rigby shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He knew what they were saying was right. He couldn't stay there, but he knew it would look odd to Mordecai if they left so suddenly. He needed a quick excuse.

"Hey, man, I don't feel so great, can we get this to go?" Rigby asked.

"Oh, okay, dude. Maybe you need more sleep." Mordecai said. He hadn't wanted to leave so early, and he had wanted to hang out with Rigby downtown, but needs must, he supposed. They walked up to the counter, and Mordecai asked Margret if they could get their orders to go. She complied and poured their drinks into takeout containers.

"Hey Rigby, how's it going?" Eileen asked, walking up to them.

"Sorry, we're just leaving" Rigby said, eager to get out. Eileen sighed and walked away.

"Okay dude, let's get out of here" Mordecai said, handing Rigby his drink. They left the shop, got into the cart, and took off.

"So, you don't feel so great huh? Nauseous?" Mordecai asked.

"I don't really feel like talking right now" Rigby said simply. He was too scared to talk. Plus, he needed to be alert, and he couldn't have Mordecai distracting them both with idle conversation.

Rigby's reply pissed off Mordecai a bit. It was back to him acting all weird. He started to notice patterns. It would be that they were in some store, or something, and Rigby would get all quiet, start looking around nervously, and then give an excuse to leave. On the way back, he wouldn't talk at all, and when they got home, he would act as though he were half dead. If Mordecai suggested video games, Rigby would reluctantly agree, and he would get continuously distracted by… nothing. He would stop paying attention to the game, or pause it, and he would start staring off into nothingness until Mordecai snapped him out of it. Even then, he would keep shifting his eyes over to some empty corner or something.

And Mordecai was fed up of it. Concerned as well; but he didn't want to approach Rigby about it again, because he didn't need a repeat of last time.

Mordecai turned the cart into the park, and drove down the path. They pulled up beside the house, got out of the cart, and headed into the house. Benson was gone from the sofa, probably headed home to nurse his hangover.

Mordecai and Rigby both collapsed onto the sofa.

"Digchamps?" Mordecai asked unenthusiastically. He didn't really care whether they played or not on account of Rigby's inattentiveness, but he couldn't honestly think of anything better at that moment.

"…Uh, how about Hotline Miami?" Rigby asked.

"No, dude, there's no way I'm playing a game like that with you right now. You'll just keep getting killed, because you're sitting staring at jack shit" Mordecai said, his words coming out slightly angrier than he had intended. Rigby was upset, but he knew why Mordecai was mad, and sympathized with him. Still, he couldn't tell Mordecai about the plot, he still had to make sure he never found out - for both their sakes.

"Well… okay, dude. I'm just gonna go upstairs and get some rest." Rigby said, hopping off the stairs and scurrying up the stairs. It was Rigby's turn to feel depressed. He wished things could go back to normal just as much as Mordecai did, but he knew they couldn't. Not right now at least. He lay down on his dirty trampoline, and picked up his Walkman. For now, he decided to wallow in his own misery. He put some headphones on, and started playing The Smiths.

Downstairs, Mordecai sat on the sofa, too lazy and unmotivated to do anything. He just got a date with the woman of his dreams, and yet he didn't feel anything. It just wasn't the same without Rigby being around…

* * *

Over the course of the next several days, things got worse. Rigby wasn't sleeping at all, he felt like he couldn't afford to, and if he did, the people would snap at him, and make him feel bad. It had gotten to the point where they occupied most of his thoughts. When Mordecai tried to speak to Rigby, he would give incoherent answers and randomly say things that didn't make sense. Mordecai could tell he wasn't showering just by the way he smelled. He was always getting worked up, thinking something terrible was about to happen, but it always turned out to be a false alarm. It was making him more exhausted than he already was. He begged with the people to give him a way to end the plot, and keep them safe. They told him they wanted his blood, and encouraged him to draw it from his arm. And he did, multiple times, although nothing ever came of it, then he would ask again, get the same answer, and believe them, thinking that this time it would work. It never did, however, and his arm was now covered in cuts, which he did his best to hide under his fur, which was beginning to itch, and thin out.

On Tuesday, Mordecai approached him to try and get him to look after himself a little, because even as much of a slob as Rigby was, this was starting to get out of hand. They were sitting on the sofa, Mordecai playing Digchamps solo, and Rigby staring at the floor with great intent and interest.

"Hey dude, I… think you need a shower" Mordecai said suddenly. He was struggling to put up with the way Rigby was acting. Everyday, he would act vacant, and just do his work –in order to avoid suspicion - without saying a word. Benson was pleased, however.

Rigby did not respond to Mordecai's statement.

"Hey dude, _I'm talking to you_" Mordecai said, louder this time. Rigby snapped out of it, and looked up.

"Hi, I'm Mordecai, nice to meet you" Mordecai said sarcastically

"…Huh?" Rigby said.

"Never mind. Listen, dude, you need to take better care of yourself, seriously. Like, take a shower or something." Mordecai said

"Oh… Uh…. wait, what?" Rigby asked, not fully registering the question.

"Dude, take a fucking shower." Mordecai said, clearly pronouncing each syllable.

"Oh. I dunno… maybe" Rigby said.

"Come with me" Mordecai said. Getting off the sofa, and beginning to climb up the stairs. Rigby was confused, but regardless, stood up, and followed Mordecai. He followed him into the upstairs bathroom, and Mordecai stood aside, pointing at the shower.

"See this? Stand under it and water comes out. Use it to wash yourself, because as you so once eloquently put it to me, 'you smell like something died'" Mordecai said, frustrated.

Rigby looked at the shower. He couldn't possibly use it - it was a death sentence. Even if the water hadn't been replaced with acid, it would be a perfect ambush spot.

**_'It's not safe'_**

**_'I wouldn't get in there if I were you'_**

**_'That looks dangerous, don't touch that shower' _**they all said. Rigby agreed.

"I can't really… hope to do… uh… I can't take a shower" Rigby said.

"Dude! What!? Get in for fuck's sake." Mordecai said.

"I can't shower, man, there's something wrong with the water" Rigby said in a complete monotone.

"Don't be ridiculous, I had a shower earlier and I'm fine." Mordecai countered. Rigby needed a distraction, but with all the sleep deprivation and people constantly talking to him, he wasn't thinking his best.

"Hey… hey dude… Uh… who do you… uh think has a monopoly over the coffee industry?" Rigby asked, mixing up his words a little in the process. Mordecai looked at him in wonderment.

"Uh, what?" He said.

"Never mind… do you… uh… do you drink, like, raw eggs?" Rigby asked. Mordecai died a little inside. There was something seriously fucked up with Rigby, and it was bothering him like crazy.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Was all Mordecai could say.

"Yeah, I know…" Rigby said, obviously not paying attention to what Mordecai was saying.

"You're not even fucking there, are you?" Mordecai said, shaking his head and walking off.

He couldn't deal with this right now.

* * *

Ugh. Where do I begin? Firstly, it's two days late, and second, once again it didn't go where I wanted it to. Not much to say I guess, apart from sorry.

I've been struggling to find the motivation to do anything lately.

I'm going to set a more realistic date for the next chapter upload, I'm guessing Friday/Saturday.

Thanks guys, and sorry again.


	8. Dissociation

And so the day continued in familiar silence between the two. Rigby never made any effort to initiate conversation, and when Mordecai tried, Rigby would either not respond, or spout gibberish.

Mordecai felt bad for snapping at Rigby, because something was obviously very wrong with him, but he had absolutely no clue what it was, and he had no idea how to deal with it. His angry outbursts at Rigby had been a result of accumulated stress, and he didn't know how to deal with that either.

Still, the prospect of a date with Margaret had started to distract him somewhat, and by the time Wednesday came, he was feeling downright excited.

He woke up on Wednesday morning feeling well rested and fresh, instead of groggy and irritable like usual. He practically jumped out of bed, and walked briskly to the bathroom, attempting to ignore the fact that Rigby was perched on his trampoline, dead still, and watching him without blinking.

Mordecai washed his face to wake himself up a little, and looked at himself in the mirror. This was it. The big day that he had waited so long for. He was feeling anxious, but was in an otherwise good mood. He went back into his room, and checked the clock – it was half seven.

"Hey dude, we'd better get ready for work" Mordecai said to Rigby, who was now staring out the window.

"Uh… okay" He said slowly. He hopped off of his trampoline, and pulled some old, dirty clothes on. Mordecai sighed. He had no idea why his friend insisted on wearing clothes all of a sudden. He didn't want to be left out, so now Mordecai had slowly started reintroducing clothes as well. Even now, he was slipping on a t-shirt and shorts. He didn't have many clothes, but had brought some just incase he ever needed them.

The two headed downstairs. Mordecai drank some coffee, but Rigby didn't bother. They situated themselves in front of the TV, and Rigby insisted on watching the news. Today's headlines were a salmonella outbreak at several restaurants, a small explosion in a Kuwaiti oil field, and the fact that the USSR had agreed to consider scaling down its nuclear testing after the United States and the United Kingdom had offered to discuss nuclear disarmament.

Mordecai sighed. He hated watching the news, and had no idea why Rigby was so into it all of a sudden.

"It's time to start, come outside" Benson said, walking through the room from the kitchen. Mordecai got up reluctantly. He wanted the day to be over and done with as quickly as possible. He nudged Rigby, who got up silently, and followed him outside.

"I have some good news for you guys" Benson said to the group. "Because you've been working so well, today there are no jobs available to be completed. So you can all have a paid day off!" He finished. Muscle Man and Fives cheered and hi-fived. Pops squealed with delight, even though he never had to do any work, and even Skips seemed pleased with the relief. Mordecai wasn't thrilled however. Now he wouldn't have anything to take his mind off his date with Margaret later. Rigby showed no reaction.

As the crowd dispersed to enjoy their day off, Benson approached Mordecai and Rigby.

"See what happens when you guys actually get your jobs done?" He said. "Rigby I'd like to speak to you in my office as well." He added. Rigby was confused, as far as he knew, he had been working well lately. Mordecai became slightly worried that he may be getting fired. Regardless, Rigby followed Benson inside, up the stairs, and into his office.

Benson had noticed Rigby's improvement in work. In fact, Mordecai and Rigby had lately been going above and beyond to get work done. Benson didn't know that the reason was primarily to take their minds off things. He had still noticed though.

He had also noticed the changes in Rigby. Sitting down behind his desk, Benson motioned for Rigby to sit down, which he did. Benson looked at Rigby. He looked terrible. His fur was matted and greasy, and appeared to be falling off in a couple places. There were dark circles under his eyes, which appeared red from strain. He was looking very thin, as if he had needlessly lost fifteen pounds.

Benson had concluded it was because Rigby had been working too hard. He couldn't have that, or else Rigby could wind up with an injury, and be able to sue the park. He couldn't believe he was about to have this conversation with Rigby, no less, but here they were.

"Okay Rigby. Two things." Benson started. "Firstly, I would like to commend you for your recent improvement in work. Now, each summer, every worker at this park is entitled to a seventy-five cent per hour pay rise. You have technically been eligible for two. However, park policy says I can withhold it for poor performance, which I have done" He continued. Rigby was looking at him with a blank stare, which creeped Benson out slightly.

"So, because of your radical improvement, I'm releasing your pay rise today. Which is two summer's worth. Your base pay is… nine dollars, I think. Which is what everyone starts on. From now on, you'll be making ten-fifty an hour. So… congratulations. You make the same as Mordecai now." Benson said. Rigby still didn't react. Benson took a deep breath.

"…That brings me to my second point. Rigby… I'm not entirely sure how to do this. I've never had to before, but… I've noticed a decline in your… uh… wellbeing lately." Benson said, still gaining little response from Rigby. He continued "And I don't want the park to be liable for any work-related injury you may suffer as a result… so, I suppose what I'm asking is… could you possibly, uh, stop working quite so hard?" Benson said. He wasn't sure what to think. He had never had to have this conversation before. "I mean, keep working well by all means, but please just don't push yourself overboard, okay?" Benson said as gently as possible. Rigby continued to sit in the same position, unresponsive.

"…Do you understand me?" Benson said, a little louder this time. Rigby finally nodded slowly. "Okay then. Go ahead and enjoy your day off. I'll see you later." Benson finished. Rigby hopped off his chair, and left the room. Benson was confused and concerned. It was clear to him that whatever was wrong with Rigby wasn't drugs; his work ethic had been too sound lately for that. He wasn't too worried however. Rigby was independent enough to sort himself out. He thought.

Rigby exited the room and walked down the hall. He walked slowly – his legs felt heavy. The lights seemed to adopt a purple hue, and he got the sudden sense that this was not reality. He felt disoriented and disassociated. He didn't feel like a person anymore – as if there were multiple barriers between the being inside him, and the world that surrounded him. His being didn't mind though. It was numbed and dumb, and couldn't respond, and if it could, it still wouldn't.

He entered his room, and sat on his trampoline. Dark could-like beings glided across the ceiling, though Rigby wasn't frightened by them. He looked at his hand. It appeared distorted, and almost pixelated. In his head, he felt a kind of small shock, and heard a very brief, but loud buzz. He looked around the room, suddenly confused. Was any of this even really happening?

**_'There is only one truth, one conclusion. This is not real'_**

**_'This is not the real world'_**

**_'You need to wake up'_**

**_'This is not reality'_**

And suddenly it made sense to him. None of this was real. Somehow, over the past couple weeks, his consciousness had transferred from the actual world, to this fake, unreal world. He started laughing a little, just because he finally had a solid answer to what was happening. He lost his balance, and fell of the edge of his trampoline, still laughing. One of his arms flailed out and made contact with something. Still giggling lightly, he pulled it out, and looked at it. It was a bottle of vodka, three quarters full. He had bought it several months ago and forgot about it.

Figuring that it didn't really matter, since this wasn't real, Rigby opened the bottle, and started drinking liberally.

Outside, Mordecai stubbed out a cigarette, and downed the last of his second coffee. He went inside, and was about to head upstairs to see if Rigby finally wanted to do something, but a segment on the news about recently discovered paintings from multiple famous artists was on, which caught his attention.

Back upstairs, Rigby was feeling pretty good. The effects of sleep depravation, mixed with pleasant hallucinations, and alcohol consumption had an extremely relaxing and comforting effect. His limbs left heavy, and he felt warm and tingly all over.

Downstairs, the news segment had finished. Mordecai hauled himself off the sofa, and headed upstairs. He entered their room, and sat down on the bed. Looking over to the other side, he saw Rigby. His eyes were partially closed, and he was half-smiling. A quarter full bottle of vodka sat beside him.

"Dude, what the fuck!? It's Wednesday morning!" Mordecai exclaimed. Rigby didn't respond. Mordecai walked over to him and shook him.

"Dude! Stop drinking!" He said, louder.

"It doesssn matter" Rigby slurred. He took another swig of vodka, spilling some on his fur.

"Yes it fucking does, it's like, eight thirty in the fucking morning." Mordecai said, taking the bottle away from him.

"Ehh, see if I care, I wassdone withit anyways" Rigby said, too drunk to move. Mordecai ignored him, and stuffed the bottle in his bedside table. He exited the room, went into the bathroom, and filled a glass with water. He went back into the room, and gave the glass to Rigby, who proceeded to spill some.

"Dude, watch it… just drink this" Mordecai said. Rigby sipped from the glass.

"Thisss' water" Rigby said.

"Uh, yeah it is, drink it" Mordecai said.

"How bout more vodkaaaa?" Rigby said, giggling.

"You sound like my mother. Drink the fucking water" Mordecai snapped. Rigby gulped more water out of the glass.

"All of it" Mordecai said.

"Yew sounnlike _my _mom" Rigby said, chugging down the rest of the water.

"Well that's good, because someone needs to baby you, apparently" Mordecai said. Rigby ignored him, and lazily tossed the empty glass, which bounced on the trampoline a few times. Mordecai picked it up.

"Now get some sleep. Every morning when I wake up, you've up all night, staring at some random shit. This morning when you were looking at me when I got up? Yeah, that was creepy as fuck. Go to bed – this staying up is messing with your head." Mordecai said, turning off the light, and leaving Rigby alone in the dark.

Rigby frowned. The things Mordecai had said to him were slightly hurtful, and he was becoming quite upset.

**_'He thinks there's something wrong with you'_**

**_'He knows'_**

**_'Make a list'_**

**_'Make a longer list'_**

**_'Make a list to show him you're normal'_**

"Make a list…" Rigby said to himself. He allowed himself to fall off his trampoline, and retrieved an old notebook in which he used to doodle, and a pen. He tore out some old pages, leaving the book filled with blank pages. He brought his pen to the paper, and feeling quite agitated, he wrote "_There is nothing wrong with me._" His handwriting wasn't very good, and was made worse by the fact he was pretty drunk. He continued to write anyway. He brought his pen back up to the paper, and wrote "_There is nothing wrong with me_" again. Writing it repeatedly would hopefully drive the point home to Mordecai that he was fine.

Rigby sat there for hours, just filling up page after page with the sentence "_There is nothing wrong with me_." It was messy, but legible at least. After what seemed like forever, Rigby finally finished the notebook, and stumbled over to Mordecai's bed, and quickly wrote "_To Mordecai" _on the first page. Rigby then decided to go for a smoke, so he stumbled out of the room, and headed out the door.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Mordecai was getting ready for his date a couple hours early. Margaret and him weren't meeting up until about three or so, and at present it was twelve, but Mordecai was anxious, and had nothing else better to do.

After having showered, he had put on his typical smart casual wear – a crisp, white oxford shirt with red tie.

Deciding he looked good enough, he exited the bathroom, climbed down the stairs, and sat on the sofa, unsure of what to do. He didn't want to disturb Rigby, who he assumed was sleeping. He checked his phone – it was just past half twelve. Meaning there were still two-and-a-half hours to go before his date with Margaret.

Meanwhile, just outside, Rigby received a text. He stubbed out his cigarette, and checked his phone. It was from Eileen.

"_Hey, it's my day off, do you want to hang out? :)" _It said. Rigby thought for a moment. He wasn't into Eileen at all, and he only vaguely thought that she might be interested in him. Still, he had nothing better to do. It couldn't hurt to do something with her.

He texted her back "_yeh, wat do u want to do_." He received a reply moments later.

"_Meet me at my place_" She replied. Rigby went back inside to grab a couple things, but was stopped by Mordecai.

"Dude, you're supposed to be sleeping. Go to bed, dude" He said.

"I'm going out." Rigby replied.

"You're going out like that? You look like a homeless alcoholic" Mordecai said.

"Too bad" Rigby said, scurrying up the stairs, losing his balance a couple times. He headed into their room, and grabbed his wallet, and put on an old hoodie he got off his trampoline. He headed back downstairs, and out the door, off to meet Eileen.

* * *

So yeah, sorry this is really late.

Next chapter should be up by the end of the week.

Keep in mind, I'm headed down south for a wedding on Thursday, and I'm flying back to college next Tuesday, so my writing schedule may be a little messed up. Don't worry though, I would never forget about you guys.


	9. Update 08282014

Well guys, this is just a little update of sorts.

First things first, I have not, and will not give up on or forget this story. So don't worry that it's been abandoned. I've been angered before by authors who stop updating their stories, and I wouldn't do that to you guys. If I do decide to personally let go of the story, I'll offer its continuation to someone else who is capable and willing to finish it. Though I don't anticipate that happening.

As I mentioned at the end of the previous chapter, I was traveling back to college, and I'm here now. It's just that I don't cope well with it, and after class, I'm often too tired, stressed, and depressed to do anything, which is the sole reason I haven't uploaded the next chapter (which is about 60% done, by the way)

What I'd like to do, then, is leave my writing to Fridays and weekends, when I don't have anything at all to do. It'll keep me preoccupied, and I won't be exhausted from class, and walking around campus all day. So the updates may be spaced further apart than before, unfortunately.

So yeah, this is pretty much just to say that. Hopefully, chapter 9 will be up on Monday or Tuesday.

Sorry for not updating.


	10. Histories and Futures

At around two in the afternoon, Mordecai figured he would head to the coffee shop. It would take about ten minutes to get there, and once there, he could spend the remaining forty-five minutes or so hanging out at the coffee shop, and keeping Margaret company. He jumped into the cart, and sped off.

Over at Eileen's house, Rigby stood outside, and rang the doorbell. Eileen's heart jumped at hearing the doorbell. She was excited about getting to spend the afternoon with Rigby, she opened the door, and there he was.

Off the bat, she noticed he wasn't looking so good. There was almost a kind of crazed look in his eyes, which were pretty bloodshot, and had dark circles under them. His fur was extremely messy, and dirty looking, with patches where it appeared it had been bitten and clawed at. He was wearing a thin white t-shirt, with a couple questionable stains, and an old-looking hoodie.

In a weird way, it almost turned her on. Eileen had always loved Rigby's careless attitude, and scruffiness, and his current appearance was a blinding testimony to both traits. He also reeked of cheap alcohol and cigarettes. Most people would go well out of their way to avoid Rigby in this state, but Eileen couldn't help but gush. The kind of person she found attractive was her exact opposite.

She suddenly realized she had been staring at him without saying anything for several seconds now.

"Uh… hey Rigby" She said.

"What's up? You gonna let me in?" Rigby asked.

"Oh, uh, yeah! Come in" Eileen said. Rigby half-stumbled through the doorway. The alcohol had mostly worn off, but it was evidently still having some effect on his motor skills. Rigby headed towards the sofa, which he collapsed on, putting his feet on the coffee table. Eileen followed him, and carefully sat down on the edge of the sofa, next to him.

"So… what do you want to do today?" Eileen asked. Rigby looked up at the ceiling, trying to think.

"Uh…." He had no clue what to do at first, but then he decided he hadn't quite finished drinking for the day – after all, he was pretty much sober at this point. "…Do you wanna go to the bar?" He finally asked.

"Um… it's a little early to be drinking isn't it?" Eileen asked.

"Nah, nah, they do it in Europe all the time. It's civilized as hell." Rigby said dismissively.

"Well… I guess we could get a couple drinks... Just let me choose the bar though" Eileen said. She wasn't willing to spend any length of time in the kind of bar Rigby would probably choose.

"Fine, fine, where?" Rigby asked.

"Well… there's that really nice champagne bar on the west side" Eileen suggested. She hoped the expense of the drinks would stop him from drinking too much. She wanted him at least somewhat sober for the day.

Rigby thought about the idea. He remembered that Benson had given him that extra dollar-fifty-an-hour raise earlier, so he figured maybe he should celebrate.

"…Yeah, okay. Let's do that" Rigby said. Eileen was pretty surprised he had actually gone with her suggestion, but was pleased nonetheless.

"Great, let me get my stuff and we can get walking. It's not too far." She said. She retreated to her room for a couple of seconds while she slipped on a pink hoodie, grabbed her purse, and put on some shoes. After she was ready, they left for the bar.

Meanwhile, Mordecai had just arrived at the coffee shop. He walked down the steps, and seated himself where he usually sat with Rigby. Since it was almost twenty minutes past two, there was nobody in the shop. The morning and lunch rushes were over, and the shop would stay relatively quiet until much later, when the nighthawks came in after eight. That was somebody else's shift though.

Margaret emerged from the back room shortly after Mordecai sat down.

"Oh hey Mordecai, you're here early" She said

"Oh yeah, I just thought I'd get here early and keep you company, haha" he laughed awkwardly.

"Aww, that's sweet of you. Can I get you something to drink?" Margaret asked

"Uh… a coffee would be kinda nice, actually." Mordecai said. His words were a little shaky due to nerves, and general disbelief. Margaret nodded, and went of to Mordecai's coffee. Mordecai rested his arms on the table, but took them off after a couple minutes, due to the fact he was sweating, and had left moisture on the table. He did his best to wipe it off with some of his dry feathers. They were good for something at least.

Over on the West side, Eileen and Rigby approached the champagne bar. Eileen was a little embarrassed by how poorly Rigby would be dressed in such an environment, but she held her tongue. They entered the building, and the first thing they noticed was the welcomed air conditioning. Adapting to the relative darkness of the room, they got their bearings, and looked round. The bar was rather impressive. Also relatively deserted on account of the fact that most people considered it too early for drinking.

The carpet was thick, and dark gray, with gold and silver ring patterns dancing across the floor. The tables were topped with black marble, and were supported by golden legs. The walls were covered with dark green wallpaper with a vertical wave pattern. The room, from floor to ceiling, had to be at least forty feet tall.

The area they were currently standing in was a small entry alcove. To the right was an elegant black and gold divider with small windows into the main room. To the left was the maître 'd's podium, which was also black and gold. Just behind the podium was the bar. There weren't any places to sit at the bar, meaning you had to sit at a table, which was probably the intention.

Rigby and Eileen stood quietly by the podium for a couple of seconds. They were quickly greeted by the maître 'd.

"Good morning, and welcome to Bar One" He said. He took a look at the two. The girl was dressed too simply, and the guy? Good grief, he was a tramp.

He briefly considered denying them entry, but he had once made a similar mistake. A man with long hair, a large tie-dye t-shirt, and baggy pants had come in wanting a table, but he had called him a hippie, and insisted he leave at once. It had turned out he had been a multi-millionaire from the tech boom.

Now he looked at Rigby. He was probably of similar ilk. The maître 'd sighed internally. Not even forty years ago he would have been laughed away by his peers, but now they were all dressing in rags. This was the disgusting new wealth.

Still, it was early, and quiet enough that the maître 'd would probably get away with letting them in.

"Table for two?" The maître 'd asked with a wide, fake smile.

"Yes please" Eileen replied. The maître 'd lead them up the stairs into the main room, which was huge. The back floor-to-ceiling windows were covered with tall, thick, black velvet curtains. There was a gigantic, round mirror on the right hand wall. Rigby thought the decorations were pretty stupid.

The maître 'd sat the two in one of the best tables in the place, against his better judgment, hoping that they would spend more money that way. Or tip better, at least. He gave them two menus, and walked away briskly.

Rigby gave the room a glance over.

"This place is pretentious as fuck" he said simply. Eileen shifted in her seat a little.

"I know" she said quietly. The primary clientele of the bar were people from the middle class with some extra savings, pretending to the upper-middle class, and people from the upper-middle class without mortgages pretending to be from the upper class. The bar only very occasionally got actual millionaire customers, primarily tourists from Phoenix, Denver, Santa Fe, Las Vegas, and Salt Lake City.

As a result, the décor, service, and product were that of an establishment for millionaires, but the pricing was just within Average Joe's reach. If it weren't, they would never get any business. The management wasn't happy, but the locals were. To be fair, it was a terrible idea to open such a location in City, Arizona.

"So, what are you going to get, Rigby?" Eileen asked. Rigby just shrugged.

"I don't know what half of this shit is" he said. He glanced down the menu. He felt like getting something expensive. As his finger went down the list, he stopped at champagne costing three-hundred-and-fifty dollars a bottle. He grinned. Yeah, he totally wanted to get drunk off that.

"What's this stuff on the back page? Whore's ovaries?" Rigby asked. Eileen burst out laughing.

"Hors d'oeuvres. Like an appetizer" Eileen said. Rigby looked at the list: '_Duck pate', 'small roasted quail with cranberry sauce', 'turkey breast with sausage, onion, and sage stuffing', Peppered and spiced calamari'… _none of it appealed to Rigby.

The maître 'd begrudgingly returned a few minutes later.

"What can I get for you, sir?" He asked Rigby.

"Uh…" Began Rigby, not knowing how to pronounce it. "… This" he said, pointing to it.

"The two-thousand-and-two Moët Chandon Dom Perignon Rose? Very good sir" He said.

Eileen quickly glanced at the menu, and found what Rigby ordered.

"_Rigby" _she half-hissed "_that's over three hundred dollars" _she said. Rigby waved her away.

"And I can't help but notice you sell tobacco…" Rigby said.

Five minutes later, Rigby and Eileen were sitting with two full glasses of vintage Moët, and a pack of Sobranie Black Russian Cigarettes, from London – thirty-five dollars a pack.

"You should try one of these." Rigby said, taking a drag of the cigarette from the gold filter tip.

"I rarely smoke, but thanks anyway" Eileen said.

"Eileen, please, these are from England. They have the strength of a dead African child. They taste amazing though." Rigby said. Eileen sighed, and accepted one of the black and gold cigarettes.

"Rigby, how on Earth are you affording all this?" Eileen asked.

"I just got a raise" Rigby said proudly.

"Oh, well done, Rigby!" Eileen said "How much?"

"An extra one fifty an hour. I make ten fifty an hour now. Fuck yeah!" Rigby said.

"Uh… Rigby? You do realize that's only like… twenty thousand a year. You can't afford this on your salary. This is like, a week's wages for you…" Eileen started, but Rigby shushed her.

"Yeah, but me and Mordecai, have like… nothing to pay for, like ever." Rigby said.

"What do you mean?" Eileen asked.

"Well, we don't pay rent, Pops pays utilities and food, we have the park cart so we don't pay for gas. Like, I think the only thing we ever pay for is repairing Benson's shit, which is all cheap-ass in the first place. Oh, and our health insurance is like, really good too." Rigby said. "So the first month we started working, Mordecai made us get savings accounts, and said I couldn't spend it."

"But… you guys are always talking about how you can't afford stuff." Eileen countered.

"Yeah, cause we hardly carry cash. Mordecai takes like, ninety percent of our pay packets to put into savings. Buuuuut, last month, Mordecai gave me the card for mine, but put a really freaking low monthly withdrawal max on it. Said I'd thank him for it one day. Pffft. Anyway, what I'm saying is, I've got this."

"Wow Rigby, that's really cool" Eileen said. Rigby just nodded, and downed half his glass.

"Rigby! Slow down, you're supposed to savor that."

"Ehhh… it's all right I guess." Rigby said. Eileen rolled her eyes. The additional alcohol made Rigby feel more tired than he already was. But that was okay. He was starting to enjoy this feeling. The feeling of being tired was becoming like a drug to him. He wanted more. He felt like he could stay awake forever. He heard another loud, high-pitched buzz in his head, and his vision blurred briefly. Maybe thought that, maybe, he should start working on a way to get back to the real world…

Back over at the coffee shop, Margaret clocked off, and changed into her ordinary clothes. Mordecai downed the rest of his coffee, ready to go. He pulled out a dollar bill, and offered it to Margaret for the coffee, but she turned it down.

"That one's on the house" She said, giggling.

"Haha, thanks" Mordecai said. "Oh... so uh… what are we doing?" He asked, completely having forgotten to plan anything. He had just been so distracted.

"Well, I thought we could go to the movies first, then go to dinner?" Margaret asked. "I really want to see '_Finnish Hymn' _is that okay?" She added.

"What movie is that?" Mordecai asked.

"Oh, you'll love it! It's about a boy in Eastern Finland and his non-sentient pet dog, it sounds so cute!" Margaret replied.

"Oh, yeah, sounds great." Mordecai lied. He would have much rather seen the recent film adaptation of Mikhail Bulgakov's _'The Master and Margarita'._ But Mordecai wasn't about to deny his potential girlfriend anything.

And with that, they got in the cart, and Mordecai drove them to the theatre.

Over at the bar again, Eileen and Rigby were having a pretty good time. They had polished off the bottle of Moët, and Rigby had ordered another slightly cheaper (but still expensive) bottle of champagne. Eileen, having virtually no alcohol tolerance, was getting pretty drunk, and Rigby was feeling quite tipsy.

Feeling bored of being in the bar, Rigby poured the last of the Champagne into their two glasses, and insisted they leave afterwards. The bill came to four hundred and sixty dollars. They stumbled out of the bar, and began walking down the sidewalk.

"Soooo, what do you wanna do now, Rigby?" Eileen asked.

"Fuck if I know, let's just get lost and shit." Rigby said. Eileen giggled.

"Haha, okay, Rigby" She said.

They walked for what felt like forever, just talking about whatever they wanted to. Their jobs, their lives, their goals, their thoughts and opinions, their fears…whatever was on their minds. Eventually, they found themselves just outside of the city, by a busy freeway heading out west.

"Hey, it's too noisy here, let's climb up that hill" Rigby said, pointing towards a gentle, grassy slope upwards. They both ran up the hill, playfully racing each other to the top. After a few minutes, they reached the top, Eileen arriving first, and they sat down right on the peak. Rigby was panting.

"Haha, Rigby, you need to quit smoking or else you wouldn't be so out of breath all the time." Eileen said. "Smoking doesn't do much good for your health, you know" She added.

"Thank God!" Rigby said, "Phew, I was worried that they were good for me for a second there, thank you so much for clearing that up" he said. Eileen laughed. He collapsed onto the ground.

Behind them ware the west coast, the Pacific Ocean, and the gateway to the rest of the world. In front of them, was the skyline of the city they lived in.

"It's not bad, City." Eileen said.

"Eh, it's okay I guess." Said Rigby.

"Where are you from anyway? I'm pretty sure you're not from around here" Eileen said.

"Phoenix. Both me and Mordecai." Rigby replied.

"Do you really mean Phoenix, or are you just saying that cause you're from Mesa or Scottsdale?" Eileen asked, smiling.

"Phoenix, for real. Camelback East, right next to Paradise Valley" Rigby said.

"Wow, fancy" Eileen said, with a grin. "What's Phoenix like?" she asked

"Not as bad as LA" Rigby said. Eileen giggled.

"It must be hot down there" Eileen commented.

"Nah, it's just real cold up here" Rigby said, grinning. Eileen giggled again.

"So why did you come up here anyway? There must have been jobs in Phoenix" Eileen asked. Rigby shrugged.

"I just followed Mordecai. He wanted away from his family pretty badly" Rigby replied.

"Why's that? I don't know very much about him" Eileen said.

"Uh… I dunno if he'd want me to say anything… ah, fuck it, just don't tell him I told you, okay?" Rigby said. Eileen nodded.

"Yeah, so Mordecai's mom is a raging alcoholic, basically." Rigby said.

"Oh gosh, that's terrible." Eileen said.

"Yeah, she just sits around the house and drinks all day, mostly vodka. Mordecai hates the stuff. And his dad is an emotionally vacant asshole. It's creepy. He can put on this bold, confident, happy, family man persona, but he's pretty much just a sociopathic yuppie. You look into his eyes, and it's like there's nothing there. We used to call him Birdman Bateman. Probably a cocaine addict as well. He works with my dad at the Phoenix headquarters of Wells Fargo." Rigby finished.

"Wow… I never knew that about Mordecai… do they treat him poorly?" Eileen asked

"They don't go out of their way to abuse him or anything, but they just don't give a shit. They guilt trip him a lot, and push him to do shit. They only really see Mordecai as a trophy son. They tried to get him to play the piano, the violin, speak different languages, go to an Ivy League, be a doctor, be a pilot, be a CEO, a banker, a politician, a diplomat, a celebrity… whatever would make them look like good parents." Rigby said.

"So I guess they're a bit disappointed in him, then?" Eileen asked.

"Oh yeah, that doesn't even begin to describe it. When Mordecai said he wanted to go to art school, they weren't totally happy, but they pushed him into it hard anyway. If he was going to go to art school, then they wanted him to be the next fucking Van Gogh, or something. They wanted him to go to the Chicago Art Institute, or the Rhode Island School of Design, like whatever the top art school was. But Mordecai is a simple kinda guy; he just wanted to go to the University of Arizona at Phoenix. But his parents didn't like that cause it wasn't the _best _art school… it's not even a dedicated art school, but he was happy with that choice." Rigby said.

"So what happened?" Eileen asked.

"The UAP was the only college he applied to. He obviously got in, I mean, he's a pretty a smart and talented guy… don't tell him I told you that. But anyway, he was doing Arts, painting mostly. His parents paid for his tuition, even though they really didn't want to. We had an apartment downtown that my parents paid for, because Mordecai's parents wouldn't have paid, because they were _soooo_ disappointed in him…"

"Wow, Mordecai's parents must have hated you… I mean, no offense" Eileen said. Rigby laughed.

"None taken. You would think that they'd hate me, but they actually _loved _me." Rigby said.

"Why's that?" Eileen asked.

"Pretty much I was stupid enough to make Mordecai look good." Rigby said. "Mordecai's always been smart, and a good guy, regardless of whatever the fuck stupid thing I did, and his parents knew it. So they didn't give a shit. Thankfully." Rigby said.

"So then what happened?" Eileen asked.

"Well, we lived there for two years. Mordecai got halfway through school. He was good, and he enjoyed it. But the thing that was giving him problems was like… Realism, I think. He hated Realism, like pretty much anything that was like boring old paintings and stuff. He hated it so bad. All of his stuff was really abstract. Like some of it looked kind of normal with a twist, and some of it was totally weird ass Picasso-Matisse shit." Rigby said.

"You sound like you know your art" Eileen said.

"Well, Mordecai never stopped going on about it. I had to listen eventually" Rigby said. Eileen laughed.

"What did you do during that time?" Eileen asked.

"Eh… not a lot." Rigby began. "Mordecai left the apartment at ten every morning, I didn't get up till one or two. Then I would just wait till he came back at three or so. We would play some video games, drink soda, and eat chips, whatever. It was really cool, cause he didn't get too much homework, and he only did it just before it was due, cause he was really good at it anyway. Then later on, we would always get smashed, like all the time, and on the weekends we smoked weed, or dropped acid…" Rigby said. He noticed the look on Eileen's face.

"Aw come on! Stop treating it like it's some kind of fucking monstrosity" Rigby said. Eileen relaxed.

"Sorry…" She said.

"…Anyways, we did stuff like that, and we would always wander out of the city, and look at the stars, and just talk and shit while tripping balls. Then when it was morning, we would walk back into the suburbs, and have some greasy-ass cheap breakfast at a diner, then take a train back into the city and sleep all day... I kinda miss it all. Not the city, just… doing that kind of stuff with Mordecai" Rigby said. There were a few moments of silence, until Eileen spoke up.

"Don't you do that kind of stuff with Mordecai now?" Eileen asked.

"Not so much. Mordecai used to be a lot more easygoing, if you can imagine that. Like he wasn't afraid to share a full handle of whiskey with me the night before he had classes, or he wasn't bothered about going to class stoned out of his mind. He used to do stupid shit with me too, even if he knew the outcome wasn't gonna be good – he would still do it just for the experience. We're so different now, but he used to be pretty much just a smarter version of me. Now it's like, 'oh dude, we can't drink tonight, we have work', or 'that's a stupid idea.' And he's always tired after work as well, I mean sometimes I am as well, but I still wanna do stuff, and he doesn't. I guess he, like… grew up, and I didn't, or something." Rigby said. There was more silence, longer this time.

"But you guys still have fun, right?" Eileen asked.

"Yeah… yeah we do. On the weekends, I guess." Rigby said.

"…So why didn't Mordecai finish college?" Eileen asked.

"Well, like I said, he didn't like doing realism, and that was like… a big part of the program. But I mean he could have done it if he really wanted to… I think his parents pushed him over the edge. Like, they would always call him up, and they would end up arguing and shit. I mean, Mordecai pretty much grew up as part of my family, cause he hated being at home so much. He spent all of his time at our house pretty much. But yeah, he hated living near his parents. Like, they stressed him out so bad. They were a worse influence on him than I ever was." Rigby said.

"So how did you wind up moving here in the end?" Eileen asked.

"So yeah, me and Mordecai lived at this apartment downtown for two years, till we were like, twenty. Then Mordecai dropped out of college, and he didn't know what he wanted to do. It was kinda a bad time for both of us, because Mordecai was all stressed out by the fact that he wasn't gonna get a college degree, and I think he thought that made him have less worth, or something. I started kind of freaking out too, because seeing him like that made me think about my future, and that made me feel like shit cause I didn't even finish high school." Rigby said.

"Mmm hmm" Eileen said, urging him to continue.

"So Mordecai didn't want to be downtown anymore. It used to be awesome to us, but then it was always so busy, and Mordecai wasn't doing great mentally - neither was I - and he didn't want to have to deal with living around so many people, and having everything be busy all the time, so my parents gave us money to rent a house just outside Mesa, which was waaaaay quieter" Rigby said.

"Go on" Said Eileen.

"And yeah, it wasn't a great time. We were getting high or drunk every day…" Rigby paused, and sighed a little, getting ready to continue. "So… uh, yeah, eventually after about a year and a half, we were both feeling pretty awful. Like, we were crying into each other's shoulder's every night over basically nothing. And everyday, we would sit in our room, on his bed or mine and just smoke cigarettes, and drink while listening to The Smiths, or Joy Division, or Bauhaus or shit like that. The sunlight would come in through the blinds, and we would watch it get brighter, and brighter, until it started getting more orange, and fading." Rigby snorted a kind of half-laugh. "There's almost like a nostalgia about it, even though I know it was shitty." He added. "_The passion of lovers is for deaaaath!_" He sang, and laughed.

"Anyway, one day, the guy who always sold us weed and acid said he noticed we had been doing shitty for ages, and said he had something that would make us feel much better. So we bought this shit from him, not really caring, and the dealer called out after us that we were to inject it. Whatever. So we get back, eager to try this shit, we sat at the kitchen table, take out a couple of needles the dude gave us, and Mordecai grabs the little bag. But before he does anything, he just stares at it for ages. I was like 'what's up, dude?' And then he just looked at me long and hard, and said, 'dude, this is heroin.'" Rigby managed to say. Eileen looked a little shocked.

"You… didn't…" Eileen started to say. She was totally engrossed in Rigby's story. She never knew Rigby could be so articulated and emotional when he wanted to be.

"No, no, fuck no we didn't. What really got us was the fact that it had come to that. I mean, that was our lowest point. Like, we had just bought this shit from that guy without even caring what it was. We didn't even ask, and we didn't flinch when he told us to inject it. If Mordecai hadn't been paying much attention, we'd have done it, probably." Rigby said.

"Wow…" was all Eileen could say. More silence followed until Rigby spoke up.

"Yup... so after that, Mordecai knew we needed a change, so he found us these jobs out here... I told him he had to do my job application though" Rigby said.

"I see" Eileen said.

"Have you ever eaten a cold french fry? Not one that's cooled down, but like, one that's been refrigerated?" Rigby asked

"I can't say that I have, are they good?" Eileen asked. Rigby laughed.

"Fuck no. They taste a bit like vomit. All that fuckin' separated, cold, potatoey mass in your mouth… me and Mordecai used to eat it all the time." Rigby said.

"But you said it tasted nasty" Eileen said.

"It did, but in kind of a not-so-bad way. Every day we would get dinner from this fast food place run by some Greek guys. We used to both get a bunch of fried chicken strips. For some reason, we both made a habit of not eating it all, and putting it in the fridge until, like midnight or something. Then we would take it out and just eat it cold. The chicken was still good, but the fries tasted much shittier. We still ate all of it anyway. It became like a tradition. But what I remember most was how sad it was. Like, come on, cold french fries in the middle of the night, how sad and lonely can you get?" Rigby said, laughing a little.

Meanwhile, at the cinema, _Finnish Hymn _was nearing the endpoint. For the past two hours, Mordecai had been watching a fucking stupid kid doing trivial shit with his dog. _Fucking hell, if you're that crazy about the dog, just fuck it in the ass and call it a day already._ Mordecai thought to himself.

The movie was quickly reaching its climax. The boy had gone hunting to the East with his dog, right next to the Finnish-USSR border. Across in the USSR side, a Soviet sniper border guard was watching them through his riflescope. Margaret shifted in her seat a little bit. Other girls in the audience had similar reactions. One girl gave a little anticipatory gasp.

His dog's playfulness distracted the boy, and they began playing in the snow together. Several Soviet soldiers arrived on skidoos. The boy fell into the snow, and his dog jumped on top of him, licking his face, the boy laughing uncontrollably. He began rolling down the hill, unaware that he was rolling towards the Soviet border. The border guard group commander, a large, sapient Russian bear, came out of the guard house to monitor the situation. He whispered something to a sergeant in Russian, which wasn't translated.

One of the Soviet guards fired a warning shot into the air. Neither the dog nor the boy reacted, assuming it was other hunters in the area. They continued rolling about and playing in the snow, like a couple of morons, until the boy finally stood himself up, and stumbled forward a few steps, right on top of the border.

The camera cut to the barrel of the sniper's gun, which fired a single bullet. The camera then cut back to the dog, which saw the gun firing. The dog yelped, and jumped up, and leaped forward in front of the boy. The bullet hit the dog square in the chest, and sent it careering backwards. The boy hardly had time to react. The dog hit the ground hard, blood gushing from his wound, and staining the snow bright red.

The boy cried out and ran over to his dog's body. He cried over it for several minutes, ignoring further warning shots from Soviet guards. Eventually, the Soviet guard bear-commander, yelled something to the troops, and they began shooting at the boy, whose body was suddenly riddled with bullets. The audience in the cinema, mostly girls, gasped, and cried, and screamed.

The boy and dog's bodies lay in the snow, most of which was now drenched in blood, beginning to turn brown. Margaret started crying as well. Mordecai rolled his eyes.

Then, there was a quick montage of the aftermath political fallout between Finland and the USSR, while emotional orchestral music played. Eventually, the West and Warsaw Pact went to nuclear war over the issue, and the screen flashed with images of mushroom clouds, and disintegrating people.

At the very end the screen showed an image of a destroyed Helsinki, and at first, the word _"Fin" _came up in italics – then 'n_ish Hymn' _faded in, displaying '_Finnish Hymn'_ across the screen, which then faded to black. The credits began rolling.

The lights came on in the cinema. All the girl's eyes were red, and many were still crying. Some of them had to be dragged out by their bored boyfriends and partners.

"Oh my God, Mordecai, that was so sad" Margaret said through tears. Mordecai shifted around awkwardly.

"Uh… yeah, pretty sad." He said.

"Wasn't that a cinematic masterpiece?" She asked.

"No… yeah, I mean yeah, definitely." He replied. Margaret wiped the rest of her tears away, and they finally left the cinema after about two and a half hours of crap.

Mordecai was bored as hell, and honestly wasn't interested in going to dinner, but he decided to go along with it anyway. Mordecai pulled the cart up to the restaurant _Highest Steaks_ an upscale restaurant serving steaks, the best steak restaurant in town, next to Steak Me Amadeus, at least. Margaret turned her nose up at the restaurant.

"Mordecai, you can't seriously be bringing us here to eat?" Margaret asked.

"What? What's wrong with it?" Mordecai asked confused. "This is like, one of the nicest restaurants in town." He added.

"Mordecai, they serve _meat_ here! That's like…_us._" She said. "Cows are just like us – they're nonhumans, even if they aren't our species, and even if they aren't sapient, they're still like our cousins, Mordecai." Margaret was going on a rant.

"Wha-?" Was all Mordecai could manage.

"You never get them serving _human_ at any restaurant in the world. If this was a fair society, you would be allowed to eat humans whenever you wanted." Margaret said angrily.

"They… I mean, that's like, different. They're _all_ born sapient." Mordecai protested.

"Does that make a difference?" Margaret asked fuming.

"Well, yeah. You know, they're not allowed to hunt sapient nonhumans either, you know…" Mordecai said. "And I'm sure, if non-sapient humans actually existed, we'd eat them too." He added.

"I doubt it, Mordecai" Margaret said vehemently.

"So… you didn't eat Mike's Invertebrates as a kid then?" Mordecai asked. Margaret didn't respond.

"You know, Mike's? You remember, right? _'For Reptiles, Frogs and Birds alike, try yummy invertebrates fresh from Mike's!' _I grew up on that stuff_" _Mordecai said, singing the jingle, grinning.

"Cause that's kinda like eating meat. There are sapient insects too." Mordecai said.

"No, that's different." Margaret said. Mordecai sighed. He just wanted to go home. Not wanting to piss off Margaret, Mordecai relented.

"You know what? You're right, Margaret. I've been pretty blind all these years. Eating meat is wrong." Mordecai said. Margaret's face lit up.

"Oh, Mordecai! I'm so glad you agree!" She said.

"Yeah! So… where will we eat now?" Mordecai asked

"Oh! There's this amazing vegan place just off uptown we can go to!" Margaret said excitedly.

"Oh… vegan… hooray." Mordecai said. "Uh… remind me, what's wrong with just vegetarianism?" Mordecai asked.

"It's still exploiting our kind!" Margaret said.

"But… like, cows and stuff aren't our kind" Mordecai said. Margaret shot him a look.

"Oh, now I get it… sapient nonhumans… all in this together…yay-uh!" He said with mock enthusiasm. "So yeah, just give me the directions to this super cool place then…" Mordecai said.

Back on the hill, Rigby and Eileen watched as the stars began to appear in tiny dots across the darkening sky.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Eileen asked.

"I guess so" Rigby said.

"You guess so!?" Eileen asked, giggling.

"Yeah, I guess" Rigby said. Eileen laughed some more. _Boy does she have a crap sense of humor_, Rigby was thinking to himself.

"What do you think is beautiful, then?" Eileen asked. Rigby thought for a moment.

"An overflowing dumpster behind a bakery." Rigby said finally. Eileen made an 'eww' sound.

"That's so disgusting." She said.

"You mean so _delicious_" Rigby countered.

"Come on Rigby, I mean, real beauty – natural beauty." Eileen pressed. Rigby sighed, and thought some more.

"The desert." He said finally.

"There you go, that's more like it. What do you like about the desert?" Eileen asked.

"Like… how there's nothing alive out there… or much of anything really" Rigby said.

"It's a stark beauty" Eileen commented.

"Yeah..." Rigby said. Eileen took a deep breath.

"Like you." She said.

"Huh?" Rigby asked. Suddenly however, Eileen was on top of him. She closed her eyes and brought her face down to Rigby's, and began kissing him.

Rigby was shocked at first, but then adapted to the situation. He was more than happy to let the kiss go on – he didn't really care – but then he decided he needed to be honest with Eileen. He couldn't let her get her hopes up. He pushed her off gently.

"Eileen…" Rigby started. Eileen turned red with embarrassment.

"No, no, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. She said quickly, turning away.

"Eileen, it's fine… it's not you, really, it's me. And I mean that like, literally." Rigby said. "Listen, Eileen, it's not that you're not pretty, or a nice person, or anything... it's just that I'm… I mean, I'm gay, Eileen." Rigby said. Eileen turned and looked at him.

"Really!?" She said, extremely surprised. Rigby nodded.

It was true. Rigby was gay. He started masturbating when he was twelve - discovered it totally by accident. When he was masturbating, he always thought of guys exclusively. If he did happen to think about women, he would go soft instantly. He had known the word 'gay' for a while, but didn't know a hundred percent what it meant. When he was fourteen, he finally put two and two together, and he was pretty indifferent about calling himself gay. It had never been a big issue for him, he didn't mind.

"So… do you parents know?" Eileen asked. Rigby nodded again.

"Yeah, I told them. I never really made it a big issue, so I never went out of my way to tell them, but one day, I brought a then-boyfriend of mine home, and told them honestly that we were dating." He said.

"How did that go?" She asked.

"Fine. A bit surprised, but fine. Though mom later approached me and said '_you know... I- I thought it was going to be Don…'_" Rigby said, laughing at the memory.

"And… does Mordecai know?" Eileen asked.

"No, no he doesn't. Nobody at my school really knew. Primarily cause I pretty much knew if enough of them didn't like it, they could make my life hell – so yeah, I dated in secret." Rigby said. "Plus, another reason I never told Mordecai was cause he was always kinda weird on the subject." He added.

"How so?" Eileen asked.

"Like, one minute he would say homosexuality kinda grossed him out, the next he would burst out that he strongly supported gay marriage. One time, when we were getting totally annihilated on rum, he said that he would totally fuck me if he were gay. _Then_ a couple weeks after that, he was saying that it was good gay marriage hadn't passed in some state or another… and yeah, he's weird about it." Rigby finished. There were a few minutes of silence.

"So… yeah… I'm sorry, again" Eileen said.

"Hey, it's fine. For what it's worth, I am able to see you're a pretty girl" Rigby said. Eileen blushed. She looked pretty down though. There was a horrible hopeless feeling in the pit of her stomach, over the fact that she had waited so long for Rigby, and he wasn't even into girls… Rigby noticed the look on her face.

"Hey… I don't wanna like, get your hopes up or anything, but you know… if you want we can make out for a little bit, it doesn't really bother me" Rigby suggested.

"…R-Really?" Eileen asked.

"Totally. Just this once though." Rigby said.

So Rigby and Eileen began kissing under the starlit sky. It was a bit cliché and cheesy, but Eileen loved every second of it. She tried to burn the feeling of the moment into her mind, knowing all to well that this moment would never happen again.

Over in uptown, Margaret and Mordecai had just been seated at the vegan restaurant, _Lettuce Dine. _Mordecai looked at the menu he had been handed. The entirety of it was utter bullshit.

What pissed Mordecai off the most was how much of the menu was _fake _meat. 'Vegan Sausage and Mashed Potatoes,' 'Vegan Hamburger and French Fries,' 'Spaghetti and Vegan Meatballs.' _Why the fuck are these people so desperate to copy what they apparently hate so fucking badly? _Mordecai thought to himself. He had tried fake meat before, and he could say with confidence that it all tasted like shit. A waitress, dressed like a hipster, came over to their table to take their orders.

"Hiya! Welcome to Lettuce Dine, what can I get you folks to eat?" She asked cheerfully.

"Oh my gosh, it all looks sooo good, I don't know…" Margaret said.

"Oh well let me help you out then! Now, our specials today are…" The waitress started telling Margaret about whatever flavor of tofu cow shit they were serving. Mordecai looked at the menu again. It didn't really make a difference as to what he got, because he probably wouldn't be able to eat it.

"Oh, that does sound good, I'll have that!" Margaret said.

"You betcha! One tofu Caesar salad coming up! And for you, sir?" The waitress asked Mordecai.

"Uh… I'll just have… the uh… vegan hotdog, thanks" He said.

"Wonderful! Thanks guys, be back soon" The waitress turned on her heels, and left the two alone.

"So, Mordecai, that movie today, huh?" Margaret said excitedly.

"Yeaaaah!" Mordecai said.

"Oh my gosh, do you remember the part where his mother was sick and the dog made her a cup of tea…" Margaret began going on about her favorite parts of the movie. Mordecai just periodically nodded, and gave a fake smile, while going 'yeah,' 'uh-huh,' 'I know,' 'me too,' at intervals. Eventually he completely tuned out what Margaret was saying, and whispered softly under his breath, almost subconsciously "_get me out of here…" _

AN: So, here it is.

I simultaneously love and hate this chapter, God only knows what you guys will think of it. It's the longest chapter by like, 3000 words. It _was_ going to be longer, but I thought you guys might prefer a long-ish chapter and then a quicker update afterwards, as opposed to a really long chapter with huge delays.

So here's the good news: The next chapter should be out very soon, so there's that. Or maybe you hate this chapter so much that you don't consider that to be good news anymore.

I just found out this fun fact, by the way. Did you guys know that originally, Rigby was going to be called Ricky? Apparently someone misheard JG say 'Ricky' as 'Rigby,' and the name stuck. Isn't that interesting?

So yeah, it's honestly probably not my best writing, but oh well, I've done my best - haha, wait, I just said this wasn't my best writing, didn't I? The next chapter should be more climatic, if you find this one too boring.

And thanks again to all reviewers, even if I don't respond, I really do read your reviews and take them into account. I've already learned so much from them. So keep them coming.


	11. Rigby's Crazy

Eileen and Rigby walked back down the hill, and headed towards the city. Rigby had been especially quiet, as after a day of general peace, the voices and visions were back to attacking him.

"What's up… with all these fucking, like… owls?" Rigby asked.

"What owls? I can't see any" Eileen said.

"Fucking… everywhere." Rigby said. Eileen turned her head all around, but couldn't see any birds at all in the sky.

"Rigby... are you okay?" Eileen asked.

"No! Why are all these birds fucking following us?" Rigby asked.

"Are you being serious right now?" Eileen asked. Rigby gave her a weird look.

"Uh… yeah?" He said. Eileen looked at him, concerned. Something was up with Rigby today…

Mordecai picked at his vegan hotdog and french fries. It was crap. The hotdog tasted nothing like actual meat, and honestly had a taste entirely of its own – and not a good one. The fries tasted like shit, literally. It was like they had been plucked straight from the ground, and fried without any kind of cleaning or processing.

Margaret was faring much better with her tofu salad, but the very sight of it made Mordecai feel ill. It smelled horrible, and it looked horrible, and seeing bits and pieces of it fall out of Margaret's mouth made Mordecai's stomach churn. He couldn't go on.

"Isn't this delicious Mordecai? Much better than meat!" She said, with a smile. Mordecai did his best to return her smile.

"Yeah… this is great… but I might actually have to get this to go… like, just cause I was stupid enough to fill up on popcorn at the cinema" He said, pretending to sound regretful. Margaret tutted.

"Mordecai, Mordecai, you should stop eating snacks all the time." She said.

"Haha, yeah…" He said. _I'd rather take health advice from a fucking bottle of diet coke than you _he thought to himself.

Margaret finished her meal, and Mordecai asked to get his to go. The waitress returned with Mordecai's mostly uneaten meal in a box, and the bill.

The total was thirty dollars.

"Thirty bucks for two main dishes?" Mordecai spat in shock. Margaret looked around embarrassed.

"Mordecai, this is real food, show a little decorum." Margaret whispered harshly. Mordecai pressed his hand against his temples.

"There's nothing fucking real about any of this shit." He said bluntly.

"Mordecai!" Margaret gasped in horror. Some of the other diners were looking at them. Mordecai quickly grabbed his wallet, and put down a few tens on the table, and a couple quarters for a tip.

"Lets go, now." Mordecai said. They stood up, and left briskly, before the waitress could discover her paltry tip.

They exited the restaurant, and Mordecai felt instant relief as he felt the cool night air on his feathers.

Saying nothing, they got into the cart, and Mordecai drove them to Margaret's apartment.

When they arrived, they sat in the cart in silence for a couple seconds. Margaret finally spoke up.

"So... I had a lot of fun tonight, Mordecai… even though you did kind of embarrass us at the restaurant there." She said, giggling slightly. She was always with that stupid giggle. That stupid fucking giggle she did every two minutes. It was like she never wanted to commit to laughing, or something. Like there was no laughter in her life.

"Yeah… sorry" Mordecai said, not looking at her. Margaret got out of the cart slowly. She had no personality. Mordecai realized that now. She did what trends told her to. She did yoga, ate vegan, and recycled, just so she could fucking boast about her pseudo-yuppie lifestyle. She had no originality, no depth. Mordecai knew what he was looking for in a partner, and it wasn't Margaret. He felt bitter, and depressed. He had been stupid to go after her.

"So." She said, smiling "will we do this again soon?" She asked.

"Yeah…" Mordecai said, then stopped. He turned to face her. "…Actually, don't count on it" he said with an edge of bitterness. Before Margaret could properly register what he said, he put his foot on the pedal, and sped off. As he was driving, he accessed his phone's contacts list, and found the contact listed as "John (Weed)" He pressed the green call button at the bottom of the screen.

As Rigby and Eileen were walking back to Eileen's place, Rigby's state continued to worsen. Rigby had insisted on stopping at a liquor store, and he had emerged with a bottle of cheap whiskey, which he frequently took sips from.

"You fucking know what?" He asked.

"…What Rigby?" Eileen asked.

"I'm so fucking sick of listening to these people all the time – there, I fucking said it." He said, with a look of fear and desperation.

"What? Who?" Eileen asked. Rigby sighed.

"Nobody fucking gets it. The plot, the people, the communists, the real world…" He said.

"You've had way too much to drink, Rigby." Eileen said flatly. Rigby suddenly regretted saying his words. He started internally freaking out. Eileen noticed his change.

"Rigby, what is wrong with you today?" She asked. Rigby shushed her.

"There's nothing fucking wrong with me, you hear?" He said harshly. Eileen was slightly taken aback, but she remained silent.

"**_I'm not fucking sick, don't you fucking look at me like that_**" Rigby yelled at the top of his lungs. Eileen took several steps backwards.

"I… I didn't say anything" She whimpered. Several people turned their heads. One larger man approached them.

"Hey… there a problem here?" He asked, in an almost cliché 'tough-guy' manner. Rigby turned his head to look at him. Tall, muscular, tattooed, and bald – how boring.

"Everything is the fucking problem. You're fucking one of them, aren't you?" Rigby said quickly, while slurring his words. "You're part of the fucking plot, you fucking _cunt_. How about I fucking cut your throat open and pull your organs out, huh? Huh? What do you fucking think about that? What will your employers think about that, huh? What will fucking Gorbachev say, huh? What will Shaw say, huh?" Rigby yelled. His eyes almost seemed to cloud over, as if he wasn't really there.

Although the man could absolutely pummel Rigby, he took a step back regardless.

"Yo, this fucking coon-ass has rabies" He said. The small crowd that had gathered started stepping away.

"Quick, someone call non-hom-con" A member of the crowd called. Rigby snapped his head towards him.

"Fuck off, you fucking _prick_" Rigby yelled. He threw his bottle of whiskey towards to sound of the voice. The crowd gasped, and dispersed, trying to avoid the shattering glass of the bottle. Rigby turned round, and saw several large men attempting to approach him. Quickly, he got down on all fours, and sprinted away as fast as he could.

"We'll never fucking catch that coontrash…" Rigby heard one member of the crowd say.

"_Rigby!" _He heard Eileen call after him. He ignored them all, and ran back towards the general direction of the park.

He hopped over fences, and ran through back yards, suddenly feeling much more sober. He ran across streets, cars honking at him. He ran through stores and restaurants, shocked and furious owners and patrons throwing objects at him. He just kept running as fast as he could. He approached the main street that separated the commercial and residential blocks from the park, and he skidded to a halt. It was the late-shift rush hour, and the road was far too busy to cross. He looked around for the nearest crossing, but then saw a tall figure in blue fatigues, and a black combat vest, with a large rifle.

Quickly, Rigby dived back into the alleyway before the figure could see him.

Someone had actually done it – called non-hom-con, or rather, the Department of Sapient Non-Human Control. Widely known for brutality, and not much more else, it was their responsibility to prevent diseased animals transmitting their illnesses onto humans. They also administered the segregated non-human prisons. When a non-human was involved in crime, it was non-hom-con you called, not 911.

Rigby pressed his back against the wall, and considered his options. They probably already had a full description of him, and they probably assumed he had rabies. If he was spotted, and tried to escape, they would shoot to kill.

There was only one silver lining - Non-hom-con sucked at their jobs. If a rabies alert had been put out on him, it would expire in a few hours. Too many specists called them up complaining about non-humans, and the result was a 'boy-who-cried-wolf' effect. Nowadays, all rabies alerts were treated with skepticism.

Rigby looked along the street – the only thing of possible interest being a large lamppost. He looked across the street at the park. He noticed that the branch of a tall oak tree went right above the fence and almost connected with the lamppost. He could climb up the lamppost, and jump across to the branch, and then he'd be in the park. He wasn't entirely sure if he was sober enough, though.

Feeling anxious, he crept up to the corner, and hid behind a dumpster by the sidewalk. He quickly glanced round, and saw that the non-hom-con officer was talking to a group of attractive girls. Typical.

Rigby quickly scampered across the sidewalk, and clambered up the lamppost, with difficulty. It was much easier for non-sapients to do this kind of thing – sapient non-humans had been spoiled for the past several thousand years.

Out of breath, Rigby reached the top of the lamppost, and began panting. After catching his breath, he looked down, and saw that the officer was still talking to the girls. They didn't look very impressed, but they were probably too intimidated to speak up. Looking back up, Rigby saw the end of the branch scraping the end of the lamppost. He slowly crawled over to it, but almost lost his balance when a driver that had spotted him honked his horn, and distracted him.

"_Dick"_ Rigby muttered, regaining his balance. He reached the light at the end of the post, and he could finally stand on the end. He got himself into position, and weighed up the branch. He would have to jump a few feet to be able to reach a section of branch that could support him.

He lifted his front paws, and crouched on his hind legs, and wriggling his tail end, he used all the force he could muster, and leaped forward from his hind legs. He panicked a little, having not done this kind of thing in quite a while, and began flailing his legs slightly. He quickly focused on the branch, and extended his paws towards it.

He landed hard, and fell off the branch. He instinctively reached out with both of his arms, wrapping them round it. He struggled for a couple of seconds, and managed to lift his tail, which he also wrapped around the branch, giving him extra stability. He kicked his legs, and finally, they caught on the branch, and he wrapped his legs round it too.

He realized he wouldn't be able to up-right himself on the branch, so he would have to crawl upside down. He took a deep breath, and began to work his arms and legs backwards towards the tree trunk. After almost falling several times. His head finally bumped against the trunk. Here, he let himself dangle by his arms, and turned around. He was then able to get a foothold on a hollow in the tree, and maneuver himself to a slightly lower branch. He looked down. He knew what he had to do now.

He hated this bit. Quickly, he extended his claws, and dug into the tree bark, facing downwards. He held his breath, and suddenly let his legs fall from the branch. He quickly ran down the face of the tree, digging his claws in, then quickly retracting them, and extending them again, constantly. He neared the bottom of the tree, and yelped, as he struggled to slow down. His hands made contact with the ground, and he did a forward roll, landing on his back.

Rigby took a deep sigh of relief. He sat up, and looked at the tree. His claw marks had ruined a large strip of bark. He chuckled a bit. Standing up, he brushed the dirt off, and noticed a small, non-sapient raccoon looking at him curiously.

"I don't know why you put up with this shit. Evolve already." He said, panting. The non-sapient raccoon just cocked its head slightly, and ran up the tree with ease.

"Yeah, be a douche about it." Rigby said. He got his bearings, lit a cigarette, and trudged back towards the house.

Mordecai entered the house, and closed the door behind him. He ripped off his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt, and collapsed on the sofa.

"Dude, Rigby?" He called. No answer.

Mordecai sighed, and buried his head in his hands. He couldn't believe he had spent all this time thinking about how he was going to get Margaret and be with her forever. What a waste. Now he had to go before Rigby and tell him his date sucked ass.

Mordecai knew he should have realized Margaret was too girly and bland for him. CJ would have been better. Or would she? Probably not, he decided. While CJ shared Mordecai's interests, there was just something about her he didn't care for… was it her personality? No… was it her attitude? Maybe… or… maybe it was her… body.

_No. No. No. I am so not doing this right now_, Mordecai thought to himself, and forcefully cleared his mind. He couldn't help his troubled thoughts from popping up however.

Fortunately, the door slamming shut interrupted him. Mordecai turned around, and saw Rigby drag himself across the room. He collapsed beside Mordecai on the sofa.

"Hey dude." He said simply.

"Hey dude. You look like hell" Mordecai said.

"I feel like hell" Rigby said. "How was your date?" He asked. Mordecai closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"It sucked, okay? She… like… she's just not the one, dude." Mordecai said.

"That's okay, man" Rigby said. Mordecai looked at him surprised.

"You're not going to give me shit for the next month about how I was wrong?" Mordecai asked.

"No dude, I'm just glad you realized it. I'm too tired to give a crap though. But, if you really want, I can make fun of you tomorrow" Rigby said, tiredly.

"No, that's cool." Mordecai said. "Anyway… look what I got us" He said, producing a bag of marijuana from his shirt pocket.

"Dude!" Rigby said perking up.

"Yay-uh!" Mordecai exclaimed. After the disappointment and sadness he felt after his shitty date, Mordecai felt like he needed something to take the edge off. So he had called Rigby's and his pot dealer, and picked up an eighth. It cost him seventy dollars – twenty more than he'd like to pay - but it was the best stuff in several hundred miles radius. People came from Phoenix, and even Santa Fe, to get ounces of the stuff. It was even popular in Vegas.

Mordecai placed the bag on the table, took out a pack of rolling papers, and started rolling a joint. Rigby took a drag of his cigarette, inhaled, and then exhaled, watching the smoke drift about aimlessly in the air. Benson didn't particularly like them smoking inside, but Pops loved the smell of "a fine tobacco," as he put it, and when it came to issues in the house, Pops decision trumped Benson's. Pops often smoked his pipes in the house, much to Benson's dismay.

Mordecai finished putting the joint together, and retrieved his lighter from his pocket.

"Okay, dude, puff, puff, pass" Mordecai said. Rigby just nodded lazily. Mordecai brought the joint to his beak, lit the tip, and inhaled deeply. He coughed slightly, but they were both used to harsh marijuana smoke at this point, so it didn't bother him much. He took another deep drag, and exhaled the thick white smoke.

Mordecai passed Rigby the joint. He took a drag, inhaled, and held it for a couple seconds before letting it out.

"Hey dude, remember how Caiden used to give you so much fucking weed?" Mordecai asked, grinning. "Why did he always give you so much?" He asked

'_Because I fucked him' _Rigby wanted to say, but settled on "I guess he thought I was funny when I'm really high."

Caiden was the same blue jay from Mordecai's "special" Friday group in elementary and high school. He was pretty much the same as a teenager than he had been as a kid. Long, dark hair always over his eyes, which were pretty much permanently red from smoking weed, incredibly lazy, stupid, pretty much emotionless, and fat as hell, partially due to constant munchies, and partially due to parents who were even bigger losers than he was.

At least his uncle grew and gave him shittons of weed, which was pretty much the only reason everyone in his family ever had money.

"Hahaha, yeah maaaan" Mordecai said.

It was true though. Rigby's first time was with Caiden. He remembered it well. One time, when Mordecai was away on vacation, they got smashed, and started making out. Rigby didn't find Caiden hugely attractive, but he was okay. After a few days of making out and jacking each other off, it turned into sex.

Rigby remembered that he pretended Caiden was Mordecai. Rigby wasn't really romantically attracted to Mordecai – if there was one thing Rigby was good at, it was separating his friends from his love interests – but he couldn't deny that Mordecai was hot as hell. Best ass Rigby had ever seen on a guy, hands down.

It took a huge amount of imagination to pretend that Caiden was Mordecai. They were both blue jays, but Caiden had been an extra two hundred and fifty pounds heavier than Mordecai, and Caiden had the biggest tits Rigby had ever seen, which was impressive considering Caiden was a dude. Having sex with Caiden was like fucking a waterbed. It was large, squishy, and wasn't very passionate. '_Damn, Mordecai, you've put on a few pounds' _Rigby had thought to himself while screwing Caiden. Rigby remembered that he hadn't even been able to reach his arms round Caiden's sweaty gut. He winced at the thought.

When they had finished, Caiden had been sweaty and panting, despite the fact Rigby was on top, and Caiden hadn't moved. They had both collapsed on the bed, and after a few seconds, Caiden had said in his lazy monotone, panting, "_Hey dude…like…ah…something…like…smells like Mountain Dew… are you, like, hungry… by the way?" _

Rigby burst out laughing at the memory, and Mordecai, being stoned, began laughing as well. Rigby took his second drag from the joint, and passed it back to Mordecai.

"So dude" Mordecai said, taking a drag "How was your date with Eileen?" He asked, smirking.

"It wasn't a date, dude… and we had a pretty good time, I guess" Rigby said.

"Sure it wasn't a date" Mordecai said, laughing.

"Whatever you say dude" Rigby said. They sat in silence for a couple minutes, passing the joint back and forth until there was nothing left to smoke.

"Dude… we should fucking hit Caiden up" Mordecai said.

"Dude, he's like… what? Like… fucking… a thousand miles away." Rigby answered. Mordecai laughed.

"Dude, Phoenix is two and a half hours away, that's not a thousand miles" Mordecai said.

"Whatever! It's still too far dude… can Caiden even drive, anyway?" Rigby asked.

"I dunno, man… Uh… I think so." Mordecai replied. "When did we even last see him anyway?" He asked.

"Uh… just after we moved to Mesa" Rigby said.

"Oh yeah…" Mordecai said simply. The two's time in Mesa meant different things to both of them. Despite the fact that it had been a dark time in their life emotionally, Mordecai looked back on the period with a strange sense of nostalgia. He knew it had been a bad time, but still, he yearned for it. Rigby was quite the opposite. He was glad Mordecai had been with him, but that was about it. He supposed he had kind of liked the drugs as well, but ultimately, he couldn't be more happy those times were behind them.

Still though, Mordecai couldn't help but reminisce. He had felt himself more while he was living there. Mordecai had a very strong emotional and sensitive side that he rarely got to express around Rigby. Whenever Mordecai tried to express his feelings, Rigby would become quiet, and awkward. Mordecai could tell he wanted to help, but he had no idea how. As Mordecai was speaking, Rigby would nod slowly every few seconds, and give 'uh-huhs', and 'yeahs' wherever they were necessary, and when Mordecai was finished speaking, he would say something along the lines of "uh… sorry you uh… feel like that, dude, uh… maybe we can go do something to get your mind of it, like… video games?"

When they were at Mesa, however, things were different. Mordecai saw a side of Rigby he had never seen before. If Mordecai wanted to talk about sensitive issues, Rigby would actually respond, and even go as far to talk about his own. Fuck – they even hugged each other back then. Mordecai had enjoyed their dynamic, and he wished they could have it back.

Not to mention that they used to lie in the same bed during the daytime. They would wake up whenever, and one would come over to the others bed, and they would just lie there most of the day, just so they could feel like they weren't alone. Mordecai remembered lying in those dirty sheets with Rigby… he remembered the way he would watch Rigby's chest move up and down slowly with each breath, and he remembered the way his soft fur felt… and if Rigby fell asleep, Mordecai would gently take Rigby's hand and hold it, while stroking his arm…Mordecai shook his head quickly. The last thing he needed right now were those kinds of thoughts.

They were both feeling the full effects of the weed now. Rigby let himself sink into the couch. He found it funny that it was called being high, yet he always felt a gentle downwards force when he smoked weed. At this point, the two were pretty much completely immobile.

"Deeeeewwwwwd" Mordecai said slowly.

"Yeaahh?" Rigby asked.

"…I dunnooo maaan" Mordecai said. "Wait… did you know…that like… if you, like, fire a canon from another canon… and fire a cannonball from the canon that was fired… the cannonball from the fired canon will go further than if you just, like… fired the cannonball from the first canon…?" Mordecai asked. Rigby turned his head slowly and squinted his eyes at Mordecai.

"Whaa?" He managed.

"It's true dewd" Mordecai said.

"Okay… I, like, uh… believe you." Rigby said. "Hey, can I like… just like, touch you for a minute?" He asked. Mordecai burst out laughing.

"You wanna, like, feel me up dude?" Mordecai asked. Inside, he became quite excited. Rigby started laughing too.

"No maaan… like, your feathers, I like 'em" Rigby said.

"Ooooooooooh… me too." Mordecai said, running his fingers down his left wing. Rigby slowly extended his arm, and began stroking Mordecai's wing.

"Feels gooooood man…" Mordecai said. Rigby shifted his focus to Mordecai's beak. He reached up and stroked it.

"Dude…what the hell is this even made of?" He asked.

"That's… like, my skin, dude" Mordecai said

"Dude… whaat?" Rigby asked.

"I mean like… it's covered in skin" Mordecai said. "I guess… it's kinna like made of the same thing as your claw… but with skin on it." He said.

"That's so weird dude… so, like… what if you were to like… clip it?" Rigby asked. Mordecai jumped slightly, and shifted away.

"Dude, don't clip my fucking beak, man" He said.

"Woah, woah, nobodies gonna clip your beak… it was just a question, like, what would happen, and stuff… don't tweak out, seriously" Rigby said. Mordecai calmed down a little.

"Well… if you go too far it would hurt… and if you go really far… like… I might die." He said.

"Does it have… feelings?" Rigby asked.

"Yeah… like, the base does" Mordecai said. Rigby slowly dragged a finger across the base of Mordecai's beak.

"Dude… stop, that tickles" Mordecai said, laughing.

"That's so crazy dude" Rigby said. Mordecai shrugged. They both stared at the wall for a couple of minutes, saying nothing. After a while, Rigby reached his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone, to check the time. It was eleven. He also noticed he had five missed calls and ten text messages from Eileen – all of which said something along the lines of 'are you okay?', 'what happened?', 'call me please.'

Rigby decided against calling Eileen at that moment, and slid his phone back into his pocket.

"Dude, are you texting Eileen?" Mordecai asked with a grin on his face.

"No dude, but she texted me a bunch of times" Rigby said.

"Dude, why don't you text her back?" Mordecai asked.

"I don't want to… dude, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm not into her" Rigby said.

"Who _are_ you into?" Mordecai asked, curious.

"Nobody" Rigby said, truthfully.

"Yeah, sure thing, dude" Mordecai said.

"Pfft, whatever man" Rigby said.

"What time is it anyway?" Mordecai asked.

"It just went eleven" Rigby said.

"Ugh, dude, we should go to bed. We have work tomorrow." Mordecai said.

"Ehh, you go, I wanna chill down here for a while." Rigby said. Mordecai slowly stood up, stumbling a bit. He grabbed the arm of the couch for support, and slowly made his way upstairs, leaving Rigby lying back on the couch.

Mordecai climbed the stairs, and made his way to their room. He flipped on the light switch, and lay down on his bed. The cool sheets felt good, and he stretched his limbs, getting comfortable. He turned his head on his pillow, and came face to face with a notebook. Confused, he picked it up, and flipped it open.

On the first page, in sloppy, poor handwriting, was "TO MORDECAI." Mordecai immediately recognized it as Rigby's handwriting. Curious as to why Rigby would give him a notebook, he flipped to the next page, and was slightly taken aback.

Rigby had written "_There is nothing wrong with me"_ dozens of times across both pages in neat columns. Mordecai scanned the page to see if there was some kind of point behinds the scrawl, but he couldn't see anything else.

He turned the page, and again, "_There is nothing wrong with me"_ occupied both pages in their entirety. He turned the page again – same thing.

Slightly creeped out, he began quickly flipping through the book, and every single last page was filled with the sentence "_There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me."_

As he got towards the last quarter of the notebook, he noticed the writing became worse, and the letters seemed bolder and more aggressive, as if Rigby had suddenly started leaning heavily with his pen. The writing was no longer in neat columns, but was now all over the page, and seemingly becoming more desperate with each page turn.

The very last page was a mess. No longer did it say "_There is nothing wrong with me,_" rather, the page was full of random words and sentences scrawled randomly across the page. Mordecai was pretty sure many of the words didn't really exist.

It made no sense whatsoever. There was one line that curled round the side of the page which said "_ YOU. HAPPY CHRISTMAS I DON'T WANT TO PLEASE HURT ME CAN YOU SEE THEM I SEE THEM THERE'S NO WATER IT'S ALL THEIR FAULT." _

Mordecai was thoroughly freaked out by the notebook. It couldn't have been a prank, the notebook must have taken hours to completely fill, and Rigby would never give that much dedication to a stupid joke. Mordecai sat up, and thought for a minute. Rigby had been acting so off for the past few weeks. He was sick, Mordecai knew it, but he hadn't wanted the confront it. He had to now, though.

Still feeling the effects of the weed slightly, he stood up, and made his way downstairs.

On the couch was Rigby, right where Mordecai had left him. Rigby was sitting quietly, enjoying the noises he was hearing. He could hear strange tinkling sounds, and phone lines, and people whispering nice things to him.

Mordecai paused at the bottom of the stairs. Rigby hadn't reacted to hearing Mordecai come downstairs, so he cleared his throat.

"Rigby" He said. Rigby turned his head slowly.

"What is this?" Mordecai asked, not sounding quite as confident as he would have liked.

"Oh, you got that, did you? Did you like it? Do you believe me now?" Rigby asked.

"Dude… is this some kind of joke?" Mordecai asked. Rigby suddenly became upset.

"You think I'm a fucking joke, Mordecai? Is that it?" Rigby asked

"No…no dude… just… why would you do this?" Mordecai asked uncertainly.

"Because I wanted you to know I was fine. See they all say that you think there's something wrong with me" Rigby said in a whisper, "so they said I should make a list so you'll know otherwise" He said.

"W-who's '_they'_" Mordecai asked hesitantly. Rigby suddenly slumped on the couch, and let his ears droop.

"Nobody else can hear them but me. It's not worth explaining" Rigby said. Mordecai looked around nervously.

"I think you should definitely explain" Mordecai said

"They're just people who like to talk to only me. I can hardly ever get them to leave me alone though. But! But! They look out for me sometimes. They always tell me when something is poison, or if the Communists are hiding behind the corner. They also were the ones who told me… that this isn't real" Rigby said very quietly.

Mordecai wasn't sure how to react. This was an entirely different side of Rigby he had never seen before.

"What do you mean, this isn't real?" Mordecai asked

"Mordecai" Rigby whispered, looking around. "This isn't really happening. I've wanted to tell someone for ages. Mordecai… we have to get back to the real world. I can't stand it here" Rigby said, his eyes wide.

"Uh… dude…" Mordecai began, but he couldn't get the words out. Rigby stood up and walked over to Mordecai.

"It's okay, man, I know it's scary. But we can do it. We can make it quick, man, I promise. I'll be right there. Listen, Pops has that old repeater we can use, it'll be super quick, man, and I'll hold your hand. We'll come out on the other side…" Rigby was saying, but Mordecai pushed him away.

"Dude, that's _not _okay. Nothing you're saying right now is fucking okay" Mordecai said, exasperated. "What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you?" He asked.

"Me!? What's wrong with you? Mordecai – you can't be… don't tell me you're in with them... Well you're never going to fucking get me, just go ahead and try, you prick." Rigby yelled, and with that, he scurried up the stairs, and locked himself in the bathroom. Astounded, Mordecai ran up the stairs and knocked loudly on the bathroom door.

"Rigby, please come out. We really need to talk," he said. No response. Mordecai took a step back and thought about what to do. What if Rigby had the Rabies? He was already showing symptoms, it would be too late for the vaccination…

Worried, Mordecai headed into the study, and logged onto the computer. A quick google search brought up a general advice forum, where people were able to post whatever was bothering them, and get advice.

Mordecai quickly created an account, and made a new post.

_Hey, I'm new here. Main reason I'm posting is about my friend. Over two weeks or so he's been acting really strange and out of character. Like, he's lost quite a bit of weight, I've noticed what I think are cuts on his arms, he hasn't been sleeping well, he's been really vacant and paranoid, and quiet. He's been pretty slow as well, kind of. Not in the mentally disabled sense, but like, I can say something to him, or ask him something, and he needs me to repeat it a bunch of times, and his answers are only barely coherent. Also, it seems like he's always looking intently at absolutely nothing. Like, he'll stare really hard at something, but it's just an empty corner. And he talks to himself sometimes as well, I've overheard him saying stuff like "Please don't do this" and "Please stop," but there's no one there. _

_So yeah, I'm really worried about him at this point. Any time I try to bring it up, he always goes into defensive overdrive, and he won't talk to me for a few hours. Does anyone know what's wrong with him?_

_Just for reference: he's 23 years old, 3' 1.5", and a raccoon. Thanks _

Mordecai submitted his post, and played the waiting game. He repeatedly refreshed the page, desperate for some kind of answer. He knew Rigby couldn't go on much longer than this. It was crazy to think that a couple weeks ago he had been his usual silly, lazy, fun self, but now he was just an empty shell of a person. The more he thought about it, the more worried he became as to what Rigby might do to himself if this continued.

Just then, he refreshed the page for the umpteenth time, and finally, there it was; a fully written reply.

_Hello, and welcome to the site! I'm really sorry to hear about your friend, it sounds like he's been having a bad time. There are a couple of things that could cause this kind of behavior. The first thing you may want to consider is the possibility that your friend may be using hard drugs. Unfortunately, people who go overboard with drugs can end up in this kind of state…_

Mordecai was pretty confident Rigby hadn't been using drugs, so he skipped to the next part.

…_Now, obviously, he is a non-human, so he's more likely to contract and display a wider range of symptom of the Rabies. This one is hard to think about, because it's sounds like it's far too late for any kind of emergency shot… if you think it's the Rabies at all, you need to call the emergency services right now, and make sure he doesn't bite anyone…_

Mordecai gulped. This was what he was worried about. Regardless, he read on, hoping there was an alternative explanation.

…_Now the last thing I can think of, is of a mental illness called 'Schizophrenia,' which has symptoms almost identical to the ones you described. I highly recommend you read into the illness a bit, and see how closely it matches your friend. Make sure you get him to a doctor at some point, because it sounds like he really needs one. You can find out more about Schizophrenia by clicking __here_.

Heart beating quickly, Mordecai clicked on the link. Could this be the answer to Rigby's problems? The webpage loaded up, and Mordecai started to scroll through it. It was a general mental health information website. The person on the forum had linked him to the specific Schizophrenia section.

**Schizophrenia**

**Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by multiple key psychotic and depressive symptoms. While the exact cause remains unknown, it is believed to stem from multiple factors, including genetics and chemical imbalances, or potentially being triggered by certain events. Contrary to popular belief, Schizophrenics do not have a "split personality" – that is a different disorder entirely, aptly referred to as "Dissociative Personality Disorder." If you were looking for our page on Dissociative Personality Disorder, please click ****here****.**

**Symptoms**

**There are multiple symptoms of Schizophrenia; many of them are quite debilitating, and will negatively affect a sufferer's quality of life. It's important to note, however, that many Schizophrenics can learn to manage their symptoms, and live fulfilling, independent and normal lives, with a little therapy. The most common symptoms of Schizophrenia are listed as follows:**

**- Auditory and/or visual hallucinations **

**- Delusions **

**- Confused thoughts **

**- Sudden change in behavior/personality**

**- Losing interest in previously enjoyed activities (and other symptoms of Depressive Disorder)**

**- Loss of concentration**

**- Not wanting to leave the house**

**- Feeling uncomfortable around people; being unsociable**

**I'm Concerned that Someone I care About Has Schizophrenia. What Are Some Symptoms that I May Notice Externally? **

**It's never pleasant to consider the fact that someone you love may have Schizophrenia. However, it is important not to disregard it, and investigate all possibilities. If the person you think may have Schizophrenia is indeed suffering it, then they may:**

** - Ask people in the room to repeat themselves, despite the fact that nobody said anything **

** - They may become hostile and suspicious**

**- Their hygiene may deteriorate**

**- They may either oversleep, or suffer insomnia **

** - They may laugh or cry at times in which it is inappropriate or unwarranted **

** - They may adopt a flat, expressionless gaze **

- **They may become socially withdrawn**

- **They may make intelligible and irrational statements**

- **They may use words which do not exist, or adopt an unusual manner of speech**

- **They may appear depressed **

- **They may become forgetful**

- **They may have difficulties concentrating**

Mordecai took a deep breath. He scrolled down further.

**Who is at Risk?**

- **Males and females appear equally affected by Schizophrenia. Neither gender is at greater risk of developing the illness. Sapient Nonhumans appear to be slightly at greater risk than Humans.**

- **Childhood Schizophrenia is rare. The most common ages of development are between 15 and 30, with many diagnoses occurring between the ages of 19 and 25 **

- **Someone who develops Schizophrenia may have displayed erratic behavior and thought in the past**

- **People are more likely to develop Schizophrenia if it has occurred in the family before**

- **If the mother experienced problems during pregnancy, including malnutrition, contracting a viral infection, and/or took medication for hypertension, then the child is more likely to develop the illness**

- **Growing up in a densely populated city appears to be a factor**

Mordecai stared at the page. He couldn't believe how much of the criteria fit Rigby exactly. If schizophrenia was what Rigby had, then Mordecai needed to get him to a doctor, and soon.

AN: So here's an update, finally. I would have gotten more done last weekend, but I ended up with some kind of flu-like illness, and I was pretty much in bed all weekend. Sorry about that.

Anyway, in regards to this chapter - honestly, I wanted the big schizophrenia reveal to come much sooner, but it just didn't work out like that I guess. It's also nothing how I imagined it. I hope you guys think it's okay.

Hopefully the next chapter will be up before the end of September, but I can't promise anything.

Please feel free to leave a review, good or bad.


	12. A Brave New World

Rigby sat in the bathroom, on the toilet lid, while staring blankly into space.

The bathroom fan sounded like a huge industrial fan in a chimneystack - every sound was amplified in a similar manner – yet he found it quiet and peaceful.

After Mordecai had spoken to Rigby, he ran into the bathroom, and locked the door. He picked up the bottle of bleach from under the sink, and he sat with the container open, absentmindedly watching the somewhat thick, clear and yellowish liquid swirl around in the bottle.

The sounds he was hearing merged together, creating a messy, disorganized ambience. He heard voices trying to talk to him, but they would start and stop suddenly, as if cut off. It was like he was listening to a recording, but someone was continuously pressing play/pause.

He took a ragged breath. The air felt thick and almost creamy. He sat for several minutes, breathing slowly. His strained eyes darting around the room, which suddenly seemed excessively cold and clinical, yet were somehow comforting to him.

Mordecai, who banged on the door several times, interrupted him.

"_Rigby? Rigby, are you in there?"_ He yelled through the door. His voice came through quiet and distorted, as if Rigby was underwater. Rigby was starting to sweat. He looked towards the door and saw the handle turning, but the door was locked. Mordecai pounded on the door again, but Rigby wasn't fully registering what was happening.

Outside, Mordecai was becoming increasingly frustrated and worried. There was not telling what Rigby could do in there. However, seeing Benson constantly able to open the door when either of the two was taking too long in the bathroom before work gave Mordecai an idea. The lock on the bathroom door was really shitty. It was only good for letting someone know the bathroom was occupied.

Quickly, Mordecai grabbed the door handle and pulled upwards. The door was old, and loose, and it rose slightly when Mordecai pulled. While Mordecai was holding the door up, he shifted to the left, pushing the door towards the hinges. He then applied as much pressure as he could without damaging the door.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Mordecai stumbled in. Rigby had the bottle of bleach to his lips. Mordecai instantly saw what Rigby was doing, and he ran over, knocking the bottle of bleach out of his hands. It slid along the floor, the liquid pouring out of the bottle.

Mordecai grabbed a section of fur on Rigby's upper back, and lifted him over to the sink.

"**Spit it out" **Mordecai yelled. Rigby thrashed around a little.

"**I said fucking spit it out**" Mordecai shouted. He started pounding Rigby on the back as hard as he could, trying to get him to spit out the bleach swirling around in his mouth. Rigby yelped as Mordecai hit him hard, and the bleach spewed out in a fountain into the sink.

As soon as the bleach was out, Mordecai turned on the cold-water tap, and lowered Rigby's mouth over it.

"Get some in your mouth, then spit it out." Mordecai instructed. Mordecai could be stubborn as hell when he wanted to be – Rigby wasn't going to win this fight, so he complied with Mordecai's command. He opened his mouth and let the water rush in. He swirled it around in his mouth, and spat it out.

Still holding Rigby by the fur on his back, Mordecai left the bathroom, and brought Rigby downstairs into the kitchen. He sat Rigby on a chair, and opened the fridge. He pulled out the milk from the shelf in the door, and handed Rigby the carton.

"Drink this. Now." Mordecai said. Rigby screwed the lid off the carton and drank the milk gladly – his tongue was starting to burn a little. He drank about a quarter of the carton, and lowered it from his lips.

"More" Mordecai said. Rigby looked at him, but Mordecai just nodded at the carton. Sighing, Rigby brought the carton back up to his mouth and started chugging some more. When he was about halfway done, Mordecai placed a hand on the carton, and lowered it.

"That's enough" Mordecai said. He knew what to do in the event of someone drinking household cleaners. God knows his mother had mistaken more colorful ones for wine coolers in the past. His father always insisted on keeping them in clear plastic bottles for easier identification. His mother never seemed to get the message. She was lucky to be alive. Or maybe she was just lucky to have Mordecai around.

When he was five she had been drinking, and in her drunken stupor, had mistaken bleach for vodka. She had been on the floor when Mordecai came in. "Mordecai, sweetie, get mommy some vodka… no, no… milk, I mean milk… get mommy some milk…" She had said. And so Mordecai knew the best thing to do when someone had drank bleach was to coat their mouth, throat, and stomach with milk, then head to the emergency room.

Rigby hadn't actually swallowed any bleach though, so Mordecai figured he would be okay.

"My tongue burns." Rigby said quietly.

"No shit you fucking drill-bit" Mordecai said. He sighed at sat down at the kitchen table. He lit a cigarette. He didn't know what to do. Rigby had just tried to kill himself. He was delusional.

While Mordecai could keep an eye on him tonight, he needed someone to see Rigby first thing in the morning. He got Rigby a glass of water to abate the burning sensation, and walked over to the phone.

He realized that he was still feeling pretty high. The adrenaline had masked it for a bit, but now it was returning. Still however, he composed himself as best he could and picked up the phone. He dialed the hospital.

"Good evening, this is City East Veterinary Hospital, Michelle speaking, can I help you?"

"Yeah, hi. I need a doctor to see my friend first thing tomorrow" Mordecai replied. Rigby frantically waved his arms, in a nonverbal attempt to stop him, but Mordecai turned around to face the wall.

"Okay sir, is your friend there?" She asked.

"Yeah, but he's not really in any condition to set up the appointment himself right now. It's somewhat urgent" Mordecai said.

"Okay… how urgent? Do you need an ambulance?" She asked.

"No, no, it's okay right now. I can watch him tonight" Mordecai replied.

"Can you tell me the nature of his problem?" She asked

"Well, I think it's mental. It seems somewhat serious, but it's no pressing emergency right now. I'd just like him to see someone sooner rather than later. I'm just concerned about what he might do," Mordecai said. He turned around quickly to make sure Rigby was still there. He was still sitting at the kitchen table, looking utterly defeated.

"Do you think he's a risk to himself or others right now?" the woman asked. Mordecai knew he was, but he didn't want Rigby to get carted off to forcibly stay in hospital just yet. He wanted Rigby to go through a smooth process – reduce the stress as much as possible.

"No, he's all right at the minute, I can make sure he's okay tonight." Mordecai said.

"Okay, I understand. So, there's a certain procedure we go through for these kinds of health concerns. What I'm going to do is set you up for an expedited appointment with a Phrenologist first thing, then he can determine where to go from there. Setting up an expedited appointment is a little extra, but if your friend does need care urgently…" she said.

"It's fine, and he does. Our health insurance should cover it" Mordecai said.

"Okay, so I'll set that for seven thirty tomorrow, does that sound okay?" She asked

"Seven thirty is good." Mordecai replied

"All right. I'm going to take a little information from you now, about your friend. Now, you're aware this is a veterinary hospital, yes? Is your friend a non-human whose species falls within the animal kingdom?" She asked.

"Yes. A raccoon – Procyon lotor." Mordecai said.

"Okay, great. What's your friend's name?" she asked

"Rigby Salyers. Salyers is spelled ess-a-ell-wye-e-ar-ess. Rigby is spelled how it sounds." Mordecai said.

"Okay… date of birth?" She asked.

"October twenty-fifth, nineteen ninety" Mordecai said.

"Okay… twenty three years old… do you have his insurance details at all." She asked.

"He's been in a few times before, you might have it on your system" Mordecai said.

"Oh, he has been in? I'll look him up… okay, I have his information… your health insurance is really generous... uh, sorry, can I take some details off you as well? What's your name?" She asked. Mordecai sighed.

"Mordecai Quintel." He said.

"Is that the spelling with the kay, or the spelling with the cee?" She asked

"With the cee" Mordecai replied.

"And…?" She asked

"Quintel. Cue-u-i-en-tee-e-ell" Mordecai said

"Okay… date of birth?" She asked

"November forth, nineteen ninety." Mordecai replied

"Species?" She asked

"Cyanocitta cristata" Mordecai replied, holding his breath.

"Oh… I see…one of those" The woman said under her breath. Mordecai heard though.

"Yes, one of those" Mordecai said rather vehemently. The woman cleared her throat.

"Pardon me. Your address?" She asked. Attitudes towards blue jays were still in the process of thawing. General opinion varied widely from state to state. Arizona had only stopped segregating blue jays on Fridays in two thousand and five. Meanwhile, Massachusetts had stopped in the late eighties. It was still catching on.

"Are they giving you shit?" Rigby asked in the background. Mordecai waved a hand dismissively.

"It's one thousand Park Avenue, zip code eighty-six zero zero one." Mordecai said.

"Thanks… you're all set. We'll see you tomorrow at seven thirty. Goodbye." She said.

"Bye." Mordecai said, and hung up. He sat back down at the kitchen table, took one last drag of his cigarette, and stubbed it out.

"You have an appointment with a Phrenologist at seven thirty tomorrow." Mordecai said. Rigby became upset.

"I'm not sick, I told you already, there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to see a doctor, they're part of the plot, they're all in on it" He said, on the verge of tears. Mordecai's expression softened a little. He was being too hard on Rigby.

"Look, dude… It's not that there's something wrong with you… you just need a little help, okay? Everyone needs help sometimes. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you." He said. Rigby nodded, but he clearly didn't agree with Mordecai. He got up, and moved round to Rigby, kneeling down, and placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I just want you to feel better, oaky dude? I know you're confused, but just trust me. Just go along with it, okay?" Mordecai said. Rigby nodded.

"I think you should get some sleep. It's been quite a while since you had any, isn't it?" Mordecai said. Rigby nodded again. With that, Mordecai stood up, Rigby following his lead, and they left the room, headed upstairs, and into their room. Mordecai sat down on his bed. Rigby walked halfway across the room, but stopped, and stared blankly at his trampoline, and then around the room.

_Oh yeah, hallucinations, right…_ Mordecai thought to himself.

"Hey, dude…? Do you… wanna sleep in my bed tonight? Would that make you feel better?"

"C-can I?" Rigby said quietly. Mordecai nodded.

"You can even have the wall side" Mordecai said. He pulled back his covers, and Rigby hopped in. Mordecai gently lowered himself down beside Rigby, and pulled the covers over them. His heart started beating quicker.

He tried to repress his feelings, but he couldn't.

Mordecai had done his very best over the past ten years to repress his feelings, but they were stronger than ever now.

You can be so far in the closet that you're on the distant end of Narnia, but you still know deep down on some level, as Mordecai knew, that you're a raging homosexual.

It started when Mordecai was twelve – when he had started masturbating. He had discovered it totally by accident one night when he was bored, and had started absent-mindedly rubbing his cloaca. He had been thinking about Rigby. He got quite a shock when he reached a powerful orgasm.

At first, he didn't really know what that exactly meant. He knew it was probably related to sex, which he had a vague notion of.

After that first night, he started masturbating every single night, always thinking about Rigby. He loved the sensation, and eventually couldn't fall asleep without masturbating first.

It wasn't too long before he learned, and could fully understand, the proper meaning behind being gay, but he didn't put two and two together. He would keep masturbating in the bed or the bath, always enamored with some fantasy involving Rigby, but he still didn't consider that gay at all – nor did the notion that it might be even enter his head.

It wasn't until he was fourteen that he suddenly found himself locked in the bathroom, with his laptop computer, watching a video of a really attractive water buffalo masturbating… and Mordecai was masturbating along with him. Then it hit him suddenly. This was gay. He couldn't be doing this.

It wasn't because Mordecai was overly religious or anything, but rather if his parents found out their trophy son was anything besides 'normal' or 'exceptional,' it would be the end of the line for him. He had no idea what they'd do, but the reaction wouldn't be pretty. Not to mention all of the assholes at school.

Mordecai calmed himself down by reassuring himself that what he was going through was just a phase, and that he would be normal, and find women attractive soon enough. But whenever he thought about women while he was masturbating, he would lose his arousal, and he could feel the sperm he had built up dissipating. That would change when he thought about dudes. Especially Rigby.

Mordecai was in head over heels for Rigby. He knew Rigby was probably straight though, so he did his best to repress these feelings. He wouldn't know how to express them anyway. So whenever they made close physical contact, Mordecai started making remarks like "Ewwww!" or "Awww, sick!" In order to reassure himself, Rigby, and whoever else was around that it wasn't gay.

Rigby didn't like this. He didn't see the problem with making physical contact with his best friend, but he started to go along with it anyway – he didn't want Mordecai to expect anything, especially with his attitude.

So now, whenever they made contact these days, they would both simultaneously cry "Awww, sick!" at the same time, in order to convince one another that they weren't gay, as they feared the other's reaction.

Sometimes, he could hardly restrain himself. He would make random outbursts that hinted as to his sexuality. And one time, at a bar, a particularly drunk effeminate man stumbled passed him, and whispered "nice ass, hot stuff." Most men would probably have punched him in the face, but Mordecai blushed. Thankfully, Rigby hadn't heard.

He would go through countless fake girlfriends. It wasn't hard for him – he was attractive, and almost objectively so. He wasn't necessarily popular, but he could speak up or keep pace with the popular kids if he wanted, by virtue of being good looking.

This benefited Rigby, because he wasn't picked on simply for being friends with that super hot, mysterious senior, Mordecai Quintel.

He would acquire some attractive girl, date her for a few months, and then they would typically dump him. Partially because he never showed any positive emotion towards them, and partially because he wouldn't give them sex – he would always say he was waiting for marriage. So they dumped him, but they would always be sure to tell Mordecai to let them know if he changed his mind.

Then, after high school, he didn't have another girlfriend, and didn't pursue one. Until he saw Margaret, that is. Margaret was hot – Mordecai could recognize that, even if he didn't feel it. She was the embodiment of female attractiveness. If he could get Margaret and have sex with her, he would be straight. He wouldn't have gay thoughts anymore. He would be normal.

But it didn't work. None of it worked. And now he was staring at the face of the one thing he had been avoiding all those years.

"Hey… I'm uh, just gonna go to the bathroom for a minute. I'll leave the light on."

"Okay, man" Rigby said. Mordecai hopped out of bed, and shut himself in the bathroom, locking the door. He saw the now half empty bottle of bleach on the floor, and picked it up. He dropped a towel on the spill – he would deal with that later.

For now, Mordecai headed over to the sink, and looked at himself in the mirror. He leant on the countertop for support. He gulped.

Doing his best to keep eye contact with his reflection, Mordecai took a deep breath.

"I'm…I….I'm…uh…" He said. He had a terrible feeling in his stomach. He was anxious, and scared.

Avoiding looking at the mirror for now, he closed his eyes, and tensed his muscles, and took another deep breath.

"I'm gay." He said. He automatically winced after the words left his beak. He waited for a few seconds, almost as if he was expecting something to happen. He finally opened his eyes, and looked at himself in the mirror. Nothing different.

Maintaining eye contact with his reflection now, he took another deep breath.

"I am gay." He said, looking right at himself. He held his breath for a few seconds, subconsciously waiting for something to happen.

"I am… a homosexual… I'm a fag…" He said. "Fuck…" he took a step back, and brought his hands to his head.

"I'm a complete faggot" He said, becoming somewhat emotional. "I like guys. I want my best friend to fuck me. I like cock." He was becoming slightly lightheaded – he was overwhelmed. He still knew it was all true, however.

He did his best to compose himself, and look at himself in the mirror again. His physical appearance hadn't changed, yet he was somehow looking at himself differently. He sighed.

"Fuck" He said, under his breath "why the fuck didn't I deal with this before. My favorite color is purple. My favorite place is the mall. I like tight clothes. I like styling my hair. I went to fucking art school, and I jack off to a fucking raccoon every night. Jesus." He said pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fuck. Fuck." He said.

He looked at himself in the mirror again. Maybe he could learn to live with this. It would take some time, however. There would be countless times he would be uncomfortable, and plenty of times where he would hate himself.

Right now, Mordecai just wanted to sleep, however. He opened the door, flipped the light off, and headed back to his room. He sat on his bed, and thought for a minute. He had almost lost his best friend tonight. He hadn't really had a chance to think about it, but he had come close. If Mordecai hadn't come got into the bathroom when he did…

"Hey… dude? You awake?" Mordecai whispered softly.

"Yeah?" Rigby said.

"Uh… are you okay?" Mordecai asked

"Yeah… why?" Rigby said.

"Well… I mean… like…." Mordecai started, becoming somewhat emotional "…I almost lost you tonight, dude" He said finally.

"I'm sorry." Rigby said quietly. Mordecai looked down at his hands for a minute. He hesitated, but turned round, leaned over, and hugged Rigby.

Mordecai felt Rigby's soft fur. It hadn't been looked after lately, and it didn't smell great, but it was still soft and comforting. He was also extremely turned on. It was a good thing he didn't have a penis.

Rigby, confused by this sudden expression of affection was unsure of what to do, but he ultimately returned the hug. He wasn't complaining. He liked it.

The hug lasted about thirty seconds, before Mordecai backed off gently.

"Just don't… like do anything like that again. I couldn't afford to lose you…" Mordecai said, lying down.

"I won't" Rigby said.

"Good" Mordecai said turning off the light "… because you complete me" He added, under his breath.

"Huh, what?" Rigby asked.

"I… didn't say anything" Mordecai said.

"Oh, okay. Night, dude" Rigby said.

"Night dude" Mordecai said.

**AN: Hey guys. So yeah, here's chapter 12. **

**I know I did the thing where I just use the voice actor's last name as the characters last name, which I usually hate, but I really couldn't think of anything that sounded better, so I just went with it.**

**All kinds of reviews wanted – good, bad, praising, critical, whatever.**

**Dunno when the next chapter will be out. Possibly before the end of this week. We'll see.**


	13. Baby Steps

Mordecai didn't sleep well. For a start, he was unable to toss and turn freely as he usually did, in fear that he might wake up Rigby – an extraordinarily light sleeper. Not to mention that it was the first time Rigby had slept in multiple days. Secondly, Mordecai was kept awake by his revelation in the bathroom. It was going to be a long struggle to get used to it.

He did finally get some sleep later on, only to be woken up by his alarm at six thirty.

He groaned, feeling absolutely exhausted, but quickly rolled over and slammed his hand on the alarm clock, disabling it. Beside him, Rigby stirred a little.

"It's okay, just go back to sleep." Mordecai said. Rigby needed the extra sleep badly, and he didn't want to deprive him of it.

Mordecai got up, feeling disorientated and spacey. He clumsily stood up, needing to right himself on the bedpost, and headed for the bathroom.

In the bathroom, he glanced at his reflection in the mirror as he had done the previous night. He looked like shit. His eyes were glazed over, and puffy, and his feathers were badly ruffled. He sighed, and hopped into the shower, turning on the hot water.

He let the water run down his slick feathers, smoothing them out. The natural oils on his feathers mixed with the water, and created large circular, oily droplets on the tub.

He grabbed his special shampoo, used to neutralize oil on birds. The label read _'Neutrogena for Avian is specially designed for nonflight birds who need total oil control that only Neutrogena can provide…"_

"…Yada yada yada" Mordecai muttered, reading the marketing slogan. He squeezed out a handful of the stuff, and rubbed it onto his torso. After letting it lather, he rubbed the shampoo in, covering his whole body. Afterwards, he stood under the showerhead, letting the hot water run down his body. He closed his eyes, and titled his head back, letting the water run down his beak and through his hair. It felt good.

After spending several minutes just standing in the shower, he finally turned the tap off, and hopped out. He felt slightly better after being in the shower, but he still felt slightly out of it. He grabbed a towel from the stack, and felt his foot step in something thick and wet.

He looked down. It was the bleach from the previous night. It had soaked through the thin towel he had thrown down over the spill. Sighing, he moved the bleach-soaked towel, and kicked it over to one side. He grabbed a second towel and threw it down, this time, moving it around with his foot, wiping away more of the bleach. Once he was satisfied that the spill had been cleaned away, he focused on drying his own body. He quickly gave his wings a few flaps, drying them off pretty quickly, and used the towel to dry his hair and his torso. His legs were simply bone covered with skin, so they dried pretty quickly by themselves.

He tossed the used towel into the basket in the corner, and went over to the sink. From the cabinet, he grabbed his hair wax, and ran it through his hair, shaping it into his signature shark-fin-like spikes.

Satisfied, he replaced the wax, and left the bathroom. He climbed down the stairs to make some coffee, and found Pops.

"Oh, good morning Mordecai, are you feeling well rested?" Pops asked

"Uh, not really. I didn't sleep so well." Mordecai said.

"Oh I am sorry to hear that. Perhaps you will find it easier to slumber tonight!" Pops said.

"Yeah, I'm sure I will." Mordecai said.

"Don't be down, I made coffee!" Pops called while leaving the room. Mordecai got a cup, and filled it with coffee from the machine. The clock on the microwave said it was five minutes until seven. Benson would be there any minute.

Mordecai walked through to the living room, and sat down on the couch. The news was already on. The header on the screen said "AFRICA: CONTINENT IN CRISIS"

_"The United States has accused the USSR of funding rebel forces in Rhodesia, which the US claims will further destabilize the region, a claim which the Soviet Union denies. Emboldened by action by rebels in Rhodesia, many people in South Africa have taken to the streets to protest against Apartheid, especially around the executive capital, Pretoria. European governments have scaled back trade ties, and the US Secretary of State has cancelled an official visit to South Africa in recent months as a response to the South African government's treatment of the protestors…" _The newscaster said.

Mordecai did his best to ignore the news, and instead, focused on his coffee. Minutes later, Mordecai heard the sound of wheels on gravel, and saw Benson's truck pull up to the house. Quickly, Mordecai stood up, and headed out the front door to see Benson get out of the truck.

"Hey Benson" Mordecai said. Benson turned his head slightly.

"Morning" He said, gathering some papers out of the back seat. He closed the door and locked it, and headed for the house. Mordecai stopped him just short of the front porch.

"Uh, hey Benson. Me and Rigby need to take a part of the day off so I can drive Rigby to the hospital" Mordecai said.

"The hospital? Why? What's wrong with Rigby?" Benson asked.

"Well, uh, he's just kind of not feeling so well right now. He has an appointment at seven thirty." Mordecai replied.

"Oh, is it something serious?" Benson asked.

"Kind of…" Mordecai said.

"Well, what is it exactly?" Benson asked.

"It's like…" Mordecai said, and he raised a finger to his head, and spun it around a little, indicating his head."…It's that kind of problem." He finished. Benson appeared slightly taken aback.

"Really? I never took Rigby for that sort… uh… well, okay. Can you be back before midday?" Benson asked.

"Yeah, I think so." Mordecai said.

"Uh… all right then, I hope it goes okay for him. Take my truck, because we need the cart today" Benson said, and entered the house with Mordecai trailing behind.

"Thanks." Mordecai called, and headed up the stairs to get Rigby.

"Hey, dude" Mordecai said, entering their bedroom. "It's time to get up. Your appointment is in like, twenty-five minutes. We're gonna leave now." He said. Rigby groaned a little and turned over.

"Ugh… what time is it?" Rigby asked.

"It's about five past seven. Come on, I'll pour some coffee in a flask for you." Mordecai said, and with that, Rigby hauled himself out of bed, and slid onto the floor, following Mordecai slowly out of the room, and down the stairs.

Mordecai went into the kitchen and picked up a flask from the counter, and filled it with coffee. He grabbed the keys to Benson's truck off the wall, and motioned for Rigby to follow him outside.

"You need a shower when we get back." Mordecai said, holding open the front door for Rigby "you should honestly have one before we go, but we don't have the time" He said. Rigby just nodded dismissively.

They piled into the truck and drove off. Mordecai turned onto the main road. Rigby lit a cigarette.

"So, how do you feel? Did you sleep well?" Mordecai asked

"Yeah man, I haven't slept like that in weeks." Rigby said.

"Good, good. How do you feel about the appointment?" Mordecai asked. Rigby thought for a second. He hadn't really given the appointment much thought, but now that Mordecai mentioned it, he became quite nervous.

"Uh… I dunno… like… what do I even say to him?" Rigby asked.

"Well…I don't know if you'll have to say much today, this is just a Phrenological analysis. But if he does ask questions, just tell him about the problems you've been having. It's no big deal dude, he's paid for it." Mordecai said.

"Yeah, but I told you, I don't have any problems. I'm not sick…" Rigby whined. Mordecai sighed. Rigby was truly convinced that there wasn't anything wrong with him, and that was a problem.

"Okay dude, listen. Last night you said some things that really scared me, okay? So… just tell him about the voices, the people that have been talking to you. Tell him… what you told me about this not being real last night, tell him about that plot, or whatever it is, and tell him what you've been…seeing." Mordecai said, "He just wants to help." He added. Rigby just nodded in silence, and took a drag of his cigarette.

Mordecai turned on the radio, and The Replacements were currently playing. They listened to the radio in silence all the way to the hospital.

At the hospital, Mordecai managed to find parking under a large tree, providing some shade against the heat that would inevitably come. He turned the key, and they both unclicked their seatbelts, and got out of the car.

"Okay dude, it's on you. Tell her you have an appointment at seven thirty." Mordecai said as they walked up to the reception desk.

"Uh, hey, I have an appointment at seven thirty…" Rigby said to the desk attendant.

"Okay, name?" She said.

"Rigby Salyers." Rigby said. The receptionist typed away at her computer.

"Okay, so you're going to want to head to Phrenology – that's on the forth floor. Just take the elevator over there up, and walk right down to the end of the hall – past the family care practice, okay?" She said.

"Yeah, thanks." Rigby said. The two headed for the elevator bank, and selected the forth floor.

"Don't be nervous dude, I promise it'll go fine, okay?" Mordecai said. Rigby nodded again.

"We can go for lunch afterwards. You should eat something." Mordecai said.

"Where?" Rigby asked.

"Dude, let's go to the Chinese buffet! The one by the Super Duper mart, dude, you love that one!" Mordecai said. Rigby couldn't help but grin.

"Yay-uh! Let's do it!" Rigby said enthusiastically. Mordecai was relieved that his friend was in better spirits. The elevator arrived, and the doors chimed open.

"End of the hall" Rigby said. They walked all the way down, past a sign that said "Family Care Center" and followed the corridor to the left, up to an area with a sign that read "VETERINARIAL PHRENOLOGY."

Rigby walked up to the second reception desk.

"Hey. Got an appointment. Seven thirty. Rigby Salyers" Rigby said. The receptionist nodded, and tapped away at her computer.

"Okay, I've found you. Your Phrenologist isn't seeing anyone right now, so why don't you go right ahead to room four fifty three?" She said. Rigby nodded, thanked her, and went over to Mordecai.

"The dude's gonna see me right now." Rigby said.

"Good luck man, you'll do fine" Mordecai said, giving an encouraging smile. Rigby took a deep breath, and headed down the corridor. He located room four fifty three about halfway down, and knocked. There was no answer, so Rigby opened the door slowly to find an empty room. He decided to sit down on one of the stools by the counter.

About thirty seconds later, there was a knock on the door, and it swung open. A small lizard, only slightly taller than Rigby entered the room.

"Oh hello, are you Rigby?" He asked.

"Yeah, that's me" Rigby said.

"Right… hmmm… well, I was told to expect a Rodent, but you're clearly not… I'm going to have to go get a mammalian doctor, can you wait a few? Doctor Lennal should be able to see you. You can go ahead and take a seat on the table there." The lizard Phrenologist said.

"Oh…uh, okay." Rigby said. The Lizard turned on his heels and let the door close behind him. Rigby seated himself at the examining table. A large, ceiling mounted craniometer was situated above him.

Rigby kicked his legs a little bit, and decided to light another cigarette, seeing as there was an ashtray located on the side table. He took a long drag, and felt the nicotine calm him down. The menthol cigarette smoke slipped down his throat, and he felt it in his lungs. It felt good. Mordecai couldn't stand menthols though, which worked fine for Rigby, because he knew Mordecai would never ask for one.

A couple minutes later, there was another knock at the door. This time, a large owl entered the room.

"Hello, you must be Rigby, yes?" The owl asked.

"Yeah, hi" Rigby said

"I'm doctor Lennal, I'll be your Phrenologist today" He said.

"Cool" Rigby said.

"So, I'd like to take some information from you, if I may" Dr. Lennal said, seating himself behind the computer. "Tell me Rigby, how much do you weigh, do you know?"

"Uh… no clue. Last time I weighed myself I was fifty two pounds." Rigby said. The doctor examined him.

"Right… well you don't look fifty two pounds. Lets get you measured, shall we?" The doctor said, motioning to a scale set in the corner. Rigby hopped off the table, and stood on the scale.

"Hmmm…right. Thirty-eight pounds. You're sure you were fifty two before?" The doctor asked

"Thirty-eight? I was totally fifty-two last time!" Rigby said.

"Okay… let me just get your height" The doctor said.

"Three foot one and a half." Rigby said confidently.

"Oh, you're sure of that one?" The doctor said

"Yup" Rigby said, keenly aware that he wasn't getting any taller.

"Okay Rigby, you can sit back down now" Said the doctor, seating himself behind the computer once more. He typed in the numbers, and turned to face Rigby.

"Well Rigby, I'm afraid to tell you that you're borderline underweight. If you lose a single more pound you _will _be underweight. It's fantastic you're no longer overweight, but please, try and eat some well rounded meals. It's not my area, but ideally, you should weigh at least forty pounds or so, all right?" The doctor said.

"Oh… I didn't know… wait, what? I was overweight" Rigby asked

"Oh yes, your BMI was formerly twenty-six. Twenty-five is overweight. Just do your best – I know it's hard for you. Raccoons do tend to be very overweight – you must be the skinniest one I've ever seen. Is your family generally underweight?" The doctor asked.

"No… just average" Rigby said.

"Hmmm, well you're very lucky to have been raised like that. Most raccoons I've ever seen have been too large to go on all fours! Keep it up, but do remember to eat properly" The doctor said.

"Yeah, sure" Rigby replied.

"All right, are you on any medications right now?" The doctor asked.

"Nope." Rigby said.

"Allergies?" The doctor asked.

"Eggs" Rigby said.

"You're allergic to eggs? I see" The doctor commented. "Okay, that's that. Now down to this" He said, pulling up a chair beside Rigby. "Can you tell me a little about why you've come in today?" He asked.

"Uh... I mean… my friend made the appointment. He says I need to see a doctor, but I think I'm fine" Rigby said.

"Oh? So if I was to ask your friend what he thought was wrong with you, what do you think he'd say?" The doctor asked.

"Well… he told me to mention the people" Rigby said.

"The people? What people would that be?" The doctor asked

"Like, the people who usually say stuff to me, and tell me things and stuff…" Rigby said awkwardly. The doctor nodded.

"I see… so these people, tell me, can you see them? Can anyone else see them?" He asked. Rigby shook his head.

"No to both. Only I can hear them" He said. The doctor wrote something down on a yellow notepad.

"And these people… are they saying things to you independently of your thoughts, or do you lead the discussion, so to speak?" He asked.

"Oh, they say whatever they want, I can't control them. It's super annoying" Rigby said.

"Right… okay. Do you hear them now?" The doctor asked. Rigby paused for a minute and concentrated. He hadn't been paying much attention, but now that he was listening, he could hear them whispering distantly in the background. He couldn't make out what it was they were saying. He tried to move his ears around to hear better, but the whispers were completely unintelligible.

"Yeah… but I can't make anything out. It's just like whispers. I don't hear it if I'm not listening for it." He said.

"Is it normally like that?" The doctor asked.

"No. Not always. I wish it was." Rigby said. The doctor wrote some more notes on the pad.

"Is there anything else?" He asked.

"Uh… he wanted me to mention a couple of things I really don't wanna talk about" Rigby said.

"No? That's okay, I understand. But please, if it's necessary to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, I'd like you to talk about it to him, all right?" The doctor said. Rigby nodded.

"Great, let's get started. Are you done with that?" The doctor asked, holding up an ashtray for Rigby's cigarette. He stubbed it out, and the doctor set it to one side.

"I don't suppose I have to tell you that you should quit." The doctor said

"Nope, that was my last one" Rigby said sarcastically.

"Wonderful. Now I suppose you're wondering what we'll be doing here today, and why" the doctor said.

"Yeah, kinda." Rigby said

"Okay, so – Phrenology works by measuring all the little bumps and variances in your head, and analyzing them to give a judgment of your character, your psyche, and the general health of your head. Based on what I find here today, I'll either send you for a brain scan, or to a psychiatrist. Does that make sense?" The doctor asked. Rigby nodded.

"Excellent, so I'm just going to go ahead and get started. Some people say this can be quite annoying, but I guarantee you, it won't be uncomfortable or painful. I'm going to start by using this…" The doctor said, while lowering the ceiling-mounted craniometer down to Rigby's head "…to take some general measurements of your head." He finished.

The Phrenologist moved the ends of the craniometer, and placed them strategically around Rigby's head, resting them gently against the surface. Once all of the ends had been placed, he pressed a button by the display, the machine made a couple of beeping sounds, and several numbers came up on the display. The doctor wrote the measurements of Rigby's head down on his notepad.

"All right. I'm going to call my assistant in – who I've left outside the past few minutes, and she'll help me with the full examination – Sarah!" He doctor called. A small female mouse entered the room, and sat down behind the doctor. The doctor gave her his notepad.

"I just need you to take a dictation, okay?" The doctor said to her. She nodded.

"Great, let's start." The doctor put on some rubber gloves, and placed his hands on Rigby's head. He moved his left hand down to the bottom right of Rigby's head, on the front.

"Literary faculties recessed" The doctor called. The assistant copied this down in the note pad. The doctor moved his hand up slightly.

"Intuition recessed. Only slightly" He said. Again, the assistant copied his words. The doctor moved his hand to the left.

"Foresight recessed. Severely." He said.

"Criticism enlarged, eventuality enlarged – slightly, association enlarged, actions recessed, individuality normal, physicality recessed…very severely, calculation recessed, order recessed – severely, language recessed – slightly, tune enlarged – slightly, time normal, locality enlarged, humor recessed, reasoning recessed, agreeableness normal, ideality recessed…" The doctor continued, with the assistant rapidly scrawling notes on the pad. Rigby had no idea what any of it meant, but it sounded important.

The whole examination took about ten minutes, with the doctor calling out dozens of more places on Rigby's head, and calling "enlarged," "Recessed," or "normal." Eventually, it was over.

"…And finally, Reproductive Propensities…very well formed. Normal." The doctor said. "All right, I think that's us done here for today, did you get everything?" The doctor asked the assistant, who nodded.

"Great. I'll walk you back to the reception area." The doctor said to Rigby, who lowered himself off the table, and followed the doctor out of the room.

"Now, you can expect your results within five or so days. I'll give you your referral at the bottom of the report so you can make your next appointment." The doctor said.

"Cool, thanks." Rigby replied. They walked into the reception area, and Rigby headed towards Mordecai.

"Hey, dude, how'd it go?" Mordecai asked.

"Uh, yeah, not bad I guess" Rigby said. Mordecai stood up, and Rigby continued walking towards the exit. Mordecai went to follow him, but the Phrenologist stopped him.

"You're the friend Rigby was mentioning?" He asked quietly.

"Oh, uh, yeah – I guess that would be me." Mordecai said. The doctor nodded.

"Make sure you keep an eye on him. Try and keep his mind off of things until the next appointment, okay? And make sure he's eating properly." The doctor whispered. Mordecai nodded, and thanked the doctor. He felt a little worried for Rigby. What the doctor said wasn't exactly positive.

"Hey dude, wait up" Mordecai said, and jogged up to Rigby.

"So, what was it like?" Mordecai asked.

"It was weird. Boring too. I'm starved." He said

"Well… it's…" Mordecai said, checking his phone "… only eight in the morning. We don't have to be back until noon, maybe we could do some shopping or something until places are open for lunch?" Mordecai asked.

"Ugh, fine, I guess. But we'd better get to that buffet right when it opens." Rigby said.

The two left the hospital, and walked to the closest mall, just a couple of blocks away. Mordecai insisted on leaving the cart at the hospital because of their lenient free parking.

"My feet are already killing me man" Rigby complained as they walked across the mall parking lot.

"Well, maybe that's because you're not wearing shoes. There's something we can do – find you shoes." Mordecai said. Rigby rolled his eyes.

"You sure do love your clothes shopping, huh Mordo?" He said.

"Uh…"

"You hardly even wear clothes" Rigby added.

"…Well, I can start" Mordecai said. They entered the mall through a large department store, which was pretty deserted with it being early morning on a weekday.

"Hey dude, let's look here. You go and find some stuff, I wanna look at the winter jackets." Mordecai said. Rigby nodded, and wandered off, headed nowhere in particular.

He was tired, he was hungry, and he knew he was going to have to work later, which made it worse.

He was milling around the pants section, and saw a pair of cargo shorts he kind of liked. He looked through the rack.

"Large, large, large, medium, medium, large again, medium, small, small, medium…. Extra small. There we go." Rigby said under his breath. He pulled the extra small off the rack. The shorts even had a tail-hole – perfect.

He pulled the shorts on, but came to a stop at the tail-hole, as he tried to thread his tail through it.

"Fucking tail-holes. Whole reason I stopped wearing fucking clothes…" Rigby muttered, agitated.

Finally, he got his tail through, and did up the button and zipper. They fit, but only just. He'd need a belt.

He pulled them off, and carried them around with him, satisfied.

Mordecai arrived at the shoe aisle, and looked around. No Rigby. He shrugged, and looked around. He wanted a pair of shoes for himself. His taloned feet were terrible on slippery surfaces. The avian footwear was located at the end of the aisle.

Bird shoes looked like gloves. Instead of the toe area being one rounded section, there were multiple extensions for each talon. Mordecai saw shoes for four talons, some for three, and even some for five, but none for his two. He sighed, and decided to go check out the winter jackets like he had originally planned.

Meanwhile, Rigby was now wandering around the video games. None of them really appealed to him – most of the games on the market were desperate sequels released by desperate developers. He glanced down towards the end of the aisle, and saw a young man of average height, with a slender build, staring at him.

Rigby did a double take, and brought his eyes onto the man. The man quickly turned back around, and studied the games on the shelf.

Rigby felt a wave of both fear and anger grip him. He was tired, and hungry, and now they were trying to kick him when he was down.

"Hey, what are you looking at?" Rigby asked in a borderline aggressive manner. The man quickly glanced at Rigby, and then looked back at the games.

"I'm talking to you, man" Rigby said, his voice wavering slightly, but still angered.

"Nothing man, I wasn't doin nothing" He said.

**_That's a challenge_** a voice said to Rigby suddenly, loud and clear.

The man turned, and walked down the aisle, turning right. Rigby followed.

"Yo, why are you following me, man?" Rigby called after him.

"I ain't!" The man called back.

"I know your type, I know your type. You follow them around, and then act busy, I know your type, man." Rigby said, increasingly aggressively. His thoughts were racing. There were a dozen people talking to him, but he wasn't conscious of them.

"You gonna try and give me TV tooth? Huh? Monitor me for years?" Rigby asked.

Then man was jogging now, trying to lose Rigby, but Rigby could hear his footsteps too easily. The man looked around for some kind of security, but the entire store was deserted.

"You gonna kill me if the electricity in the top of my head isn't level?" Rigby called out. He had quickly gone from a normal state to a severely psychotic one.

He wasn't aware of much, but he knew that at that moment, he needed to get that guy to stop. He extended his claws.

"What the fuck? Get away from me. Stop fucking following me you fucking creep" The man yelled, almost running.

"You don't want me to get back to the real world, you're just gonna sell my information to wealthy technicians." Rigby yelled.

The man bolted across to the clothing section and into the sweaters and hoodies. Now he was calling out "Help! Anyone!?"

Mordecai heard his cries, and raised his head from the winter jackets. He looked up at down the aisle, but had no idea where the noise was coming from. He could hear footsteps now.

"Hey, you okay?" Mordecai called out. The man heard Mordecai's voice, and ran through the accessories, turned right, and then immediately left, and came across Mordecai at the winter clothing.

"This fucking guys following me" The man said, looking behind him. He ran over to Mordecai, and stood behind him. Suddenly, Mordecai heard Rigby.

"You gonna kill me? Like in China?" He shouted.

"Rigby!?" Mordecai called out.

"Don't fucking lead him here, man!" The man hissed. It was too late. Rigby emerged from around the corner a couple of seconds later.

"There you fucking are. You're trying to get back all by yourself huh? You going to call the doctors at the am/pm?" He yelled.

"Dude, Rigby, what the actual fuck?" Mordecai managed to say in astonishment.

"You know this fucking psycho?" The man asked, and took a step backwards. He looked at Mordecai, then turned on his heels and sprinted. Rigby went to run after him, but Mordecai stuck out his fist, catching Rigby in the stomach.

"Argh, Ow! What the hell man?" Rigby asked, having fallen on the floor.

"What do you fucking mean 'what the hell?' Were you fucking chasing that dude?" Mordecai asked

"You're fucking right I was. He was following me!" Rigby said, standing up. He went to move in the direction the man ran off in, but Mordecai gripped his shoulder hard.

"You saw him definitely following you?" Mordecai asked.

"He was just following me" Rigby said.

"You physically viewed him walking in the same direction as you, and following you around the store?" Mordecai asked.

"No man, he was stealthy about it." Rigby said. Mordecai could feel his insides sink. Rigby really wasn't doing very well.

"What made you think he was following you when you couldn't see him?" Mordecai asked.

"Well, like… I looked at him and he scared me. And Michael said he was challenging me, and man, I was so scared, I AM so scared, I can tell you that picture has a headache." Rigby spluttered. Mordecai stared at Rigby in disbelief.

"The picture… has a headache… can you tell me more about that?" Mordecai asked.

"…Well… well… you really wanna know?" Rigby asked.

"Yeah dude, I do." Mordecai said.

"Well… a sperm and an egg go together… and like, make a baby. Only one sperm goes up in the…egg. And when they touch, there's two contact points that touch before the other two…" Rigby went on and on about some butchered form of reproduction that made no sense. Mordecai put his hand to his face. The way Rigby was talking terrified him.

"Stop, stop." Mordecai said.

"Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it with the thing years ago with the one thing. I mean I didn't have to worry about the one thing…" Rigby began.

"Fucking stop, man" Mordecai said. His eyes were watery, like he was about to cry. He sat silent for a few moments.

"What's going on right now, in your head, dude?" Mordecai asked. Rigby looked at him like he hadn't understood what he'd said at all.

"Huh?" Rigby asked.

"What's going on in your head?" Mordecai asked again, simply. Rigby's face twisted slightly, in confusion, and he stared at Mordecai, with his mouth open slightly.

"…Uh….huh….?" Rigby managed.

Mordecai thought hard. The logical thing to do would be to take Rigby straight back to the hospital, tell them he was a threat to himself and others, then have him put in a psych ward for a week. He didn't want to do that though. Rigby would _not_ respond well to being in the hospital.

Ultimately, Mordecai decided to go to the coffee shop. Maybe Eileen would distract Rigby enough to snap him out of it.

"Come on dude, we're leaving." Mordecai said. He tugged Rigby by the arm, and Rigby followed him out of the mall, confused.

About twenty minutes, later, they pulled up at the coffee shop. Mordecai had thought hard about what to do about Rigby. He couldn't work today, that was clear. He decided on telling Benson that the doctor had suggested a few days off, which was a white lie, but for the best.

The two hopped out of the cart, and went down the stairs. Mordecai pushed open the door of the coffee shop, and froze in abject horror. There, over on the far side of the coffee shop, was Margaret.

Mordecai had completely forgotten about his date with Margaret. He had been so busy on the way over, thinking, that Margaret hadn't even had the chance to enter his mind.

Just as Mordecai was going to turn around and direct Rigby back up the stairs, Margaret turned and saw Mordecai.

Much to his surprise, however, she smiled and waved. Mordecai was confused, but ultimately stepped inside the coffee shop with Rigby in tow.

"Hey, Mordecai!" She said cheerily.

"Uh… haha…hey!" Mordecai replied awkwardly.

"How are you doing? Why did you take off so fast last night? I could even hear what you said when you sped off! You were in a hurry!" She said.

She hadn't heard what Mordecai had said to her.

"Oh, uh… yeah… totally sorry about that, I just had to… pick this dude up." Mordecai lied, gesturing to Rigby, who was looking around the coffee shop in fear.

"Ah! Hey, Rigby! Uh…are you all right?" Margaret asked, noticing Rigby's expression. He didn't answer her.

"Ah-ha! Haha…. He's got a lot on his mind" Mordecai said nervously.

"Oh, what? Eileen?" Margaret said, smiling. She turned on her heels, and walked over to the tables, Mordecai and Rigby following her.

Mordecai and Rigby took their usual stools at the front center.

"So, the usual?" Margaret asked. Mordecai nodded. Margaret didn't even need to write it down on her notepad at this point, and simply headed off towards the back counter.

"Are you good, dude?" Mordecai asked Rigby.

"Uh… sure man" Rigby said quietly. Mordecai knew he wasn't doing great, but he seemed semi-lucid. It would have to do.

Just then, Eileen walked around their table from behind them.

"Hey you two… Rigby. What happened last night? Are you okay? I tried to text and call you a bunch of times, but I never heard from you" She said, a hint of concern on her face. Mordecai turned to face Rigby.

"Dude, what did you do last night?" He asked, a bit panicked.

"Uh…uh…" Rigby stammered, his eyes wide. Mordecai knew it had to be something to do with his illness. He turned back to Eileen.

"You know, he's been like, super stressed lately." Mordecai said, "He's been acting kinda weird, but you know, he's been getting through it okay. I'm sure it's fine" Mordecai lied. Eileen nodded a little.

"Well…okay. Just stay safe, okay Rigby? Things got pretty scary last night" She said, and took off to join Margaret behind the counter.

"Dude, seriously, what happened last night? Please tell me." Mordecai said.

"Well, uh… This guy was out to get me, and he came over and yelled, and I totally exposed him in front of everyone, but it turned out that everyone was also in on it, and they were all out to get us, so they started a music group to summon demons, and then I ran" Rigby said quickly.

Mordecai facepalmed.

"Okay dude. So you talked shit at another guy, drew a crowd, and then ran. Got it." Mordecai said. He grew even more nervous. Rigby really should be under professional supervision at this point.

Margaret delivered their coffees soon after they had finished talking, and to Mordecai's dismay, she pulled up a stool and sat opposite them.

"So, Mordecai, I was thinking we should do that again sometime" Margaret said.

"Uh… well…" Mordecai began

"So how about we go to this Halloween party my cousin is throwing? It'll be great! I'm going as a slutty nurse!" She said, giggling, and gave Mordecai a wink.

_My God, you are a basic bitch._ Mordecai thought to himself.

"Uh..." He said

"Oh, you should go as count Dracula! That would be perfect for you!" Margaret said.

"He should go as a plague doctor. He's got the beak and everything" Rigby suddenly chimed in.

"Well, I mean…" Mordecai tried to say something.

"What's a plague doctor? Anyways, you'll go as count Dracula, I'll be a slutty nurse, we'll be the perfect couple!" Margaret said. "Oh, and I was thinking of getting a tattoo at some point. I want it to be that one line from _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_ on my wrist, what do you think Mordecai?" She asked.

"I don't think…" Mordecai began.

"You should get one too! Oh, I know! Get one of those Chinese dragons! Oh, hey, actually, maybe you should get like some kind of cool phrase in Avialaenan? Oh! I know! We'll get matching tattoos in Avialaenan! Won't that be cool?" Margaret asked.

"I don't speak Avialaenan… nobody has spoken Avialaenan for hundreds of years…" Mordecai said

"Neither do I! But we're allowed to do that because it's not cultural appropriation!" Margaret said cheerfully. "Maybe Rigby could join us, and get something in Procyonnal script? We need to embrace our cultures so that humans know we're not them!" She said.

"Qe yrtnae kaj ctonph" Rigby said.

"Wow! That's so cool Rigby; I never knew you spoke it!" Margaret said.

"That was an insult," Rigby said, but Mordecai quickly brought his hand over Rigby's mouth"

"HAHA! Yeah! That's such a cool idea, haha…" Mordecai said loudly. He was quickly sipping his coffee, drinking it as fast as he could so he could get them out of there. He was about halfway finished. Rigby hadn't touched his coffee.

"Hey dude, you gonna drink that?" Mordecai asked, elbowing Rigby in the side.

"What did you put in it?" Rigby asked suspiciously.

"Are you accusing me of spiking your drink?" Margaret asked, the annoyance obvious in her voice.

"Maybe I am. Did you? Are you trying to give me Sickness of Bayou?" Rigby asked.

"Uh, excuse me?" Margaret said, "For one, I did not spike your drink, and two, what the hell is 'Sickness of Bayou?' Is that even a real thing?" She asked.

"Sickness of Bayou? You know, when the gas comes out of the toilet, and if it touches you, you get the plague." Rigby said. Mordecai buried his face in his hands. Again.

"Is that some kind of joke? Is this a joke I'm not getting?" Margaret asked.

"Guys, guys, stop. Just forget about it." Mordecai said. Several patrons in the shop had turned towards the heated argument.

"Hey – I refuse to sit here while I'm accused with tampering with a drink" Margaret said. Mordecai stood up, grabbed Rigby by the wrist, and pulled him off his stool.

"It's cool, we can leave. Rigby's been under a lot of stress lately, you'll have to forgive him" Mordecai said, making a move towards the door. Margaret followed them to the door.

"Okay… so Mordecai, I'll call you about the party?" Margaret asked. Mordecai gave an exasperated sigh.

"Uh…ye…wait." Mordecai said, "No, it's fine." He finished. Margaret looked confused.

"Wait, I thought you wanted to go to the party?" She asked, a degree of hurt present in her voice.

"Uh, no, I'm afraid not." Mordecai said. He wouldn't have been so straightforward and rude, but he had precisely zero feelings towards this woman who he was pretty sure he never wanted to see again. "I'm really, really glad you enjoyed our little date last night, but to be honest with you? I didn't. You're boring and basic, your social justice crap really pissed me off, and you have the personality of a toaster oven. Honestly, I would have more fun spending the night with a bottle of whisky than you." Mordecai finished quickly.

A patron seated near the door began laughing uncontrollably.

"Take it, you bitch" Rigby said, dangling from Mordecai's arm.

"Wha-?" Margaret managed. Her eyes were getting watery. Mordecai dragged Rigby up the stairs as quickly as he could.

"Well, _fuck you_ Mordecai. I can get any fucking guy I want whose much better looking than you, you prick! And fuck you Rigby, you little FUCKING CREEP." She screamed, tears streaming down her face. Mordecai didn't respond, and chucked Rigby into the passenger's seat of the cart.

"Tell Eileen I said hi" Rigby called behind him as Mordecai pressed the gas pedal as hard as he could.

They lurched off, leaving the coffee shop behind them for good. They couldn't possibly go back. They hadn't even paid for the coffee.

Mordecai slammed a fist on the steering wheel.

"Dammit! That was a terrible idea." Mordecai said.

"At least you kept us safe from her plague. And now you won't have to lie to her. Or get an Avialaenan tattoo. Or go to a stupid party dressed as count Dracula." Rigby said.

"I couldn't deal with it, dude. Seriously – most basic bitch ever." Mordecai said. Rigby just nodded.

Mordecai thought about what to do next. A quick check of his phone revealed it was nine-thirty. It was still another hour and a half before lunch.

Mordecai pulled up to a strip mall, and looked around for something to do. Scanning the stores, he saw a liquor store. He looked at Rigby. He was totally out of it in his little fantasy world. The best way to bring him back to some kind of cooperativeness and lucidity would be to get him drunk, as he'd noticed.

"Hey dude… what would you say to a little drink, huh?" Mordecai asked. He couldn't believe he was going to get his friend drunk at nine in the morning. He just needed Rigby to be normal seeming enough to stay out of hospital. As soon as he had said it, Rigby turned to him, a huge shit-eating grin on his face.

"Yeeeaah dewd" He said. Mordecai sighed. Rigby's reaction wasn't good. He didn't like the way he perked up as soon as alcohol was mentioned.

"Okay… uh…vodka?" Mordecai asked.

"No, man – whisky" Rigby said. Mordecai got out of the cart.

"Okay, dude… be right back." Mordecai said, and with that, he walked off to the store.

"Hey…" Mordecai said to the slightly intimidating individual behind the counter.

"Hey bud, gon' need ah-dee from ye'" He said. Mordecai produced his driving license.

"Mhmm, mhmm. Okay you're good. That all?" He asked.

"Pack of Turkish Royals… and Marlboro Menthol 100s please" Mordecai said. Might as well get their cigarettes while he was there.

After he paid, he didn't hang around - liquor stores weren't places Mordecai liked to spend for any great deal of time in.

He exited the store, a brown paper bag tucked under his arm, and got back into the cart. He handed Rigby the bottle, and his pack of Marlboro Menthols.

"Sweet! Two birds with one stone!" Rigby said. Mordecai shot him a look.

"Two…bitches with one stone." Rigby corrected. Mordecai pulled away from the strip mall, avoiding looking at Rigby, who was drinking from the bottle liberally.

Mordecai figured they could just wait outside the buffet for an hour or so until it opened. Rigby had his alcohol, and Mordecai had his cigarettes. They could just spend the hour talking; If Rigby was coherent enough, at least.

Mordecai pulled up outside the buffet a few minutes later. He looked over at Rigby, and noticed he had finished a quarter of the liter bottle.

"Woah, woah, okay dude, that's enough… geez." Mordecai said, grabbing the bottle from Rigby.

"Awwww, maaaaan. What makes you say that, huh?" Rigby asked.

"You're fucking tiny, and you haven't eaten. You'll be drunk enough." Mordecai said, stuffing the bottle in the glove compartment.

"Pfft…. Fiiiiine." Rigby said, becoming tipsier by the second.

Mordecai leaned back in his seat, and lit a cigarette. Rigby awkwardly pulled out his phone, and started texting something.

Just as Mordecai finished his cigarette, Rigby handed him his phone.

"Hey dude, Eileen… she wannned to know whahappened with Mahr-gah-ret, soooo, I sent her this aweeeeesome account of events" Rigby slurred, handing Mordecai his phone.

He read.

The liberal, Muslim, atheist, homosexual, ACLU lawyer, Communist, Socialist, Satanic abortion doctor – Margaret - worked in a coffee shop dedicated to Satan, known Communist.

"Before I serve you," She said, "You must renounce Christ, get down on your knees, and worship Satan!" she said evilly.

At this moment, Mordecai – a brave Christian patriotic, pro-life navy seal war hero, who had served thousands of tours of duty in Kosovo and Cambodia, and who fully supported every single military action taken by the United States, bravely stood up, bravely. He bravely held up an empty venti coffee cup.

"How old is this coffee cup, pinko?" Mordecai asked, bravely. Margaret smirked quite Jewishly, and replied:

"It's over four billion years old, you stupid Christian." She said, Islamically.

"Wrong. It's been five thousand years since God made it. If it _was_ over four billion years old as you say, and evolution _was _real – then it would be a sapient non-human by now" Mordecai said, bravely.

Margaret was visibly shaken. She atheistically dropped the tray she was carrying, and she dropped her copy of the Communist Manifesto and Mein Kampf. She ran out of the room crying those delicious Communist Fascist Satanic tears. It was at this moment that Margaret wished she had pulled herself up by the bootstraps and become more than a satanic coffee server. She was so embarrassed that she wished she had a gun to shoot herself, but she herself had campaigned against them!

All the patrons of the coffee shop immediately registered Republican and dedicated their lives to God and country. An Eagle named "Small Government" entered the room, pulled out a stepladder, and awkwardly climbed onto the American flagpole and stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, hoping no one would ask him for his embarrassing name.

The pledge of allegiance was recited several times, and then God himself came down and enacted a flat tax rate across the United States, and rained hellfire on the Soviet Union, killing every last man, woman, and child.

Margaret was fired from the coffee shop, and died the next day from super aidsancer. She then boiled in the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.

Mordecai handed Rigby back his phone.

"That's not what happened." Mordecai said bluntly. There had been several texts from Eileen asking, "What happened?" Complaining that Margaret seemed extremely upset, and had said something about Mordecai.

"Clossenough" Rigby said. He put his phone away.

"So whassup dewd?" He asked.

"Nothing, man. Just worried about you." Mordecai said. Rigby felt a pang of guilt.

"Hey man…why?" He asked. Mordecai looked over to him. At least he appeared less… insane.

"You're pretty sick, dude" Mordecai said "And I don't know what to do" he added.

"I'm not sick man! I'm fine!" Rigby said.

"That's the problem. You can't see it" Mordecai said.

"I can't see it cause it ain't there, Broseph Stalin!" Rigby said. Mordecai raised an eyebrow.

"Did you just make that up?" Mordecai asked.

"Yeah, haha, yeaaahh man" Rigby said. Mordecai burst out laughing.

"Dude…hahaha, that's hilarious. _Broseph Stalin_" He said. Mordecai smiled. He decided that he was allowed to pretend everything was normal right now, and pushed Rigby's troubles out of his mind.

"Let's think of more" Mordecai said.

"Okay, uh…how about…Kim Jong Ooonderpants!" Rigby exclaimed. Mordecai laughed.

"Dude, that sucked so hard it was good" He said.

"You come up with better then!" Rigby said.

"Uh, okay… uh… yeah…I got nothing" Mordecai said.

"Hmmm hmmm!" Rigby said.

"Whatever man, that was stupid anyway" Mordecai said, grinning.

"You love it" Rigby said.

"Pol Potty" Mordecai said suddenly.

"Hahahahahaha… Pol Potty… okay, okay, thaawasss good." Rigby said "Oh, dude, Pol _Panties"_ He added.

"Hmmm, nah, mine was better." Mordecai said.

'Whatever dude." Rigby said. Just then, he leaned over and hugged Mordecai. Mordecai was surprised by the sudden gesture, but ultimately retuned the hug.

"Thanks for taking me to the doctor today" Rigby said through Mordecai's feathers.

"Sure dude…no problem." He said. "…You'll get better soon. You just need a little help, okay?" Mordecai said.

"I trust you." Rigby said.

AN: Sorry this took so long. I've been busy as hell lately. I expected it to be up much sooner, but I've had exams, and I still have even more exams coming, so yeah...

Anyways, hope you like it. Next chapter should take as long as this one did.

All reviews, good or bad, are welcome.


End file.
